Kyle's Wife Jessica

back in the habit

2009-10-30T21:54:00.000-07:00

I'm going to try to start blogging again. We'll see how it goes, especially since I'm going to start a family blog for us as well. If you know me, then keep asking me about it.

last year

2008-11-09T19:48:00.000-08:00

Tonight at home team someone brought up the death of a friend that occurred last December. Kyle and I actually lost two friends last December. One lost a long battle with a brain tumor. The other was tragically killed in a car accident. Being reminded of those deaths made me think what a tough year we had last school year. Two miscarriages and the deaths of two friends. What a difference a year makes.

I started thinking about how this current pregnancy has really helped me move past the miscarriage last September. To feel this baby move is completely unbelievable. It's so incredible to think that there is a tiny human being growing inside me. I don't understand the details of how it works, but I think it's such a reminder of what an incredible God I serve. Today Kyle's sermon was about the blind man being healed in John 9. At the beginning of the chapter the disciples ask Jesus who sinned in order to cause the man to be born blind. Jesus responds by saying, "Neither this man nor his parent sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." I have always thought that if the death of our first child helped draw someone closer to Jesus then it would be worth it. But I haven't seen that happen. I think I'm beginning to realize that I might not always see the work of God be displayed in that person's life. It might be something that happens years down the road. I've finally come to grips with that.

I also began to ponder the wives of my friends that died last December. Their stories are completely different than mine. I have hope and excitement now because God has given me another child to experience. But these lovely and Godly women don't have a new life to celebrate. But yet that same verse applies to these women. We've experienced loss, but through it all our Lord can use this to display the work of God in our lives.

Death is hard. Loss is not easy. I honestly don't believe we're meant to understand it all. But, I know that our God is good. I know that He's bigger than death. And if something horrible in my life can be used to draw others close to our wonderful Jesus, then in the end that's all that matters.

long time

2008-11-01T18:27:00.000-07:00

It has been a really long time since I've blogged. Kyle keeps asking me when I'm going to start blogging again, and I decided tonight is perfect since he's watching the game. Hopefully the Horns will be able to pull out a win.

I've been thinking this week about having a baby boy and raising him to be a man. What a huge responsibility. It really kind of scares me to think that Kyle and I are going to be in charge of making sure this precious little baby becomes a man. There are so many qualities I want him to have, so many things that I pray for him about. I want him to love Jesus. I can't make him do that, Kyle and I can only lead by example. I want him to be a person of integrity. I want him to care deeply for people. I also want him to be independent and confident. The list goes on and on.

And then, on top of those thoughts, there are the decisions we have to make about items that we need. Do we really need everything that we admire at Babies R Us? I know that those aren't all necessities. It's just hard to know--when you've never been a parent before--what all you'll need to take care of an infant. Some say you need a changing table, others tell us they never use one. What about those huge stroller systems. Do we need one of those, or is that just something that everybody gets? You should have seen Kyle and me trying to figure out how to work one of those things at Babies R Us. He laughed and said we looked like two monkeys exploring something new.

There's also advice. How do I really know which book is best? Is attachment parenting the way to go? What about natural childbirth? How do I know who to trust when it comes to advice about how to parent?

I think that this is just part of my personality. I constantly desire to be good at what I do. I'm one of those people who won't try things because I'm scared of failure or scared of not being good at something. I'm going to have quite a wake up call. This is going to be a learning experience for me. I can't expect to be the best at something that I've never done before. I think that in the end, Kyle and I will figure out what works for us. And he and I both have great sets of parents that are wonderful examples. Then on top of that, we have an amazing Father who is the ultimate example of a great parent. We'll just have to ultimately lean on that as our guide.

fear

2008-08-08T08:59:00.000-07:00

I don't like being scared.

even if he doesn't

2008-08-03T13:57:00.000-07:00

So, I'm feeling a little anxious. It probably has a lot to do with Kyle being out of town AGAIN and the a/c going out in my house. But, there are other issues too.

Last week, or maybe two weeks ago, I studied Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego during my Bible study. Now those guys have amazing faith. They truly believed that God could save them from the fiery furnace, but even if He didn't, then they were still going to believe and worship God Almighty. That's big faith.

Anyone out there who reads my blog regularly knows that there are things that have gone on in my life that make me wonder about faith, just like any normal person who faces challenges. I am really excited that my faith seems to be growing and increasing. I truly believe that's an answer to prayer. But that whole part from Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego--the line about "even if he doesn't"--that is overwhelmingly difficult for me to pray. But, I'm getting there. Even if he doesn't, I will still trust. Even if he doesn't, I will still be faithful. Even if he doesn't, I will still worship.

offended

2008-07-26T07:50:00.001-07:00

This morning I was doing my Bible study, and I read the passage Matthew 11:1-19. This is where John the Baptist sends some of his disciples (he's in prison) to ask Jesus if he really is the Son of God, the one who was prophesied about. Verse six specifically caught my attention during this study. I was reading NIV, but ESV has a good version of this verse, too. It says, "And blessed is the one who is not offended by me." My Bible study talked about the various meanings of the Greek word for offended. The one that applies to this verse is "to cause a person to begin to distrust and desert one whom he ought to trust and obey."

Okay, that first paragraph was really wordy, but now I'm just going to explain why that's so cool to me. I'm going to go through hard and difficult times--times that challenge my faith. This verse says blessed is the one that goes through those faith-challenging times and still continues to believe. That was pretty awesome for me to read today. God's not always going to answer my prayers the way that I want him to. Sometimes he says yes, and sometimes he says no. But through it all, I can continue to have faith in the one who sees the big picture, the one who sees my life-mission.

cry

2008-07-18T12:30:00.000-07:00

I am constantly crying. I just started this Bible study about two to three weeks ago, and every time I pray I cry. Every time I read scripture I cry. Every time I read something sentimental I cry.

God knows my tears. Psalm 126:5 says, "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." I can't help but think my song of joy is coming. I think God is softening my heart so I can be used by Him. I'm so thankful that I see a change in myself. I'm so thankful that I'm seeing less of myself and more of my Jesus.

hair

2008-06-29T07:06:00.000-07:00

I think I want a haircut. I always say that, but I never actually follow through and get it cut short. But I really think I want to cut it off this time. Except I didn't put it in the budget this month. So it might have to wait until the first of August. I'm pretty sure it's coming off though.

pb

2008-06-25T10:35:00.000-07:00

So, I should no longer buy peanut butter. I LOVE peanut butter. I can eat spoonful after spoonful and not think twice, except an hour later when I'm thinking, "Why did I eat that?" It's just good stuff. And no, I did not eat a whole jar. I just ate about 2 tablespoons. And also half a pb and j. And also three pb crackers. But that's all of the peanut butter that I ate-yesterday.

On another note, I had someone remind me-quite selflessly, I might add-that had it not been for a certain friend, then I never would have met my husband who has brought me so much joy (see previous blog). So, Kelli Burks, thanks for introducing me to Kyle Walker. I don't know how you knew (she told me-honestly-"If you meet him, you'll marry him."), but you obviously saw something that could be, and is, wonderful. Thank you, friend. You changed my life with your friendship but also with your "meddling". =) I love you!

yesterday

2008-06-22T20:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my fifth anniversary of being married to a wonderful man. God has truly blessed me with a husband that is compassionate, faithful, humble, kind, loving, intelligent, and good looking. (I'm sure Kyle would be disappointed if I didn't also mention that he is very strong and very fast.) Kyle is incredible. He truly cares about others and wants people to feel important and special. You can so easily see Christ in him. It's obvious that he is seeking God's heart for his life and his ministry. He makes me want to be more like Jesus. I am so proud to be his wife. Kyle is an amazing husband and man. I loved him immensely on our wedding day, but my love for him has deepened so much since then.

So, Kyle Walker, I love you. You are the man that God knew I needed to be with. You bring joy to my life. I am so glad that God has let me participate in ministry with you. I am so thankful that God has let me do life with you. Though life around us has seemed to crumble at times, my relationship with you has been steady. You have been my best friend. You have loved me at times when I'm sure I've been hard to love. I love you so much, Kyle. I can't wait to see what the future holds, known and unknown. I am so blessed to be married to you.

one more thing

2008-06-10T19:37:00.001-07:00

My family is going to the beach this week (woo hoo!), and we always play family games. Anyone have any suggestions?

confession

2008-06-10T19:31:00.000-07:00

I actually really like Jessica Simpson's new country single "Come On Over." I know, I know, it must be a guilty pleasure. Don't hate me because of my music choices, please. I promise I have more sophisticated taste, too. We'll just say I have rather diverse preferences in music.

That's all.

a few insignificant thoughts

2008-06-09T19:59:00.000-07:00

One-Summer school starts for students tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. I received a phone call on Friday saying that there weren't as many students registered as they had expected, so we were told we might be losing teachers. I was not too nervous about it because I think I would be happy either way. We ended up only losing one teacher on our grade level. Summer school is going to be a little more work than I expected, but I always enjoy a new challenge. I'm looking forward to seeing how much growth we can achieve in such a short amount of time. I love seeing growth that children make in a classroom. It's so incredibly amazing.

Two-Kyle and I watched Nashville Star tonight. We've never watched it before. There was actually a girl on the show that we knew from Pantego Bible Church. She was one of the best contestants, so that was pretty exciting.

Another thing-I can't believe these gas prices!! I'm so glad that we've budgeted for gas for our trips this summer. And I'm so incredibly thankful I drive a Civic. I love my car, but I love it now more than ever. Thirty-eight miles per gallon has never been so good.

Finally-I would love to be in great shape, but I never want to be a female body builder. It just doesn't appeal to me. Thankfully I don't think my husband wants me to look that way either.

sometimes

2008-06-08T19:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I can't help but think that I'm supposed to have a baby right now. I should have a baby with us when we go out to eat. When my cousin and her husband visit they should be playing with the baby. This vacation we should be taking the baby with us. For some reason it didn't happen, though. We may never know why.

I mentioned this to Kyle today. He said he just tries to suppress those feelings. I've definitely gotten better, but there are some days when I still have these types of thoughts. I think it would be wrong for me to completely forget about it. It would be like the baby never happened or mattered. I do think it's helped my mental clarity to take some time off from "trying." I'm not at the point where I feel like I can completely say I'm content with knowing that we may never have children of our own, but I think I'm getting there.

On another note, we leave for vacation in less than a week!! I'm so excited about spending time with my family. These beach trips are some of my favorite childhood memories, so I'm really excited to add more wonderful family times to my long list of great memories.

That's all for tonight. No incredibly deep thoughts. Just ramblings about my mental status. I'm sure it's just thrilling to read about...

thankful

2008-05-30T20:57:00.000-07:00

Well, someone out there must have prayed for me, because my hives have cleared up for the first time in about two weeks. I am so thankful for that. Thank you for your prayers.

I was thinking that I have truly lacked a spirit of thankfulness lately. So, I decided to do something about it. I think blogging helps me collect my thoughts, rambling as they may be. I will list some of the incredible things in my life that constantly remind me how blessed I am.

I'm thankful for...

~my husband, who is one of the most selfless people I know. Our marriage works because of who he is and because Christ is in him.
~my job. As frustrating as some days can be, at the end of the year I'm always reminded that I honestly LOVE what I do.
~my family, by blood and by marriage. I cannot begin to tell you how blessed I am with an incredible support system, not just my parents and family but my husband's parents and family as well. I am overwhelmed by the love I feel from all of them.
~my puppies. They make me laugh.
~the ability to read and my library card. I love escaping in a great book.
~people who see the real me. I'm learning that there aren't many people out there who really and truly know me, so I'm so thankful when someone finally gets me.
~beautiful Texas sunsets.
~gorgeous Alabama landscapes.
~elementary school programs. Everyone should go when they don't have a child in the performance. Find the kid that dances his heart out and watch him the whole time. You can't help but laugh and travel back to days that were carefree.
~relaxing days at the beach. (Only two weeks away from my vacation!!!)
~a God who is patient with me, even when I don't understand Him and His ways.
~laughter.
~Cherry Coke Zero. My absolute favorite drink. I could drink gallons of it. I know--I'm incredibly healthy.
~my cousin Jennifer, the sister I never had. She's amazing.
~music. Can't get enough.
~ice cream. It would be an absolute travesty if I didn't mention this one.
~hope.

Alright. Hope that wasn't too terribly cheesy. I think it's good for me to reflect on the good things, well, the great things, in my life. I'm sure that this in not a complete list. Feel free to suggest more. I just know that I really need to shower right now since I went running tonight. Ooh, that's another thing to be thankful for--running water!

hives

2008-05-27T20:07:00.000-07:00

I am so sick of having hives. I don't know why I have them. I am taking all sorts of medicines to help them go away, and there is no hope in sight. I don't like taking so many meds. Ugh. The allergist has no answers, and I don't know what to do from here.

drama

2008-05-18T19:55:00.000-07:00

I'm not a big fan of drama. I don't think that feelings are trustworthy, and I try not to make decisions based on emotions. Lately I have felt like I'm full of drama. I cry too easily, I get sad too easily. I'm just ready to not feel like that anymore.

Kyle and I had a long talk last night about me. He is such a good man, especially since he can put up with--and supposedly enjoy--life with me. I don't think I'm being the wife I need to be. He says I'm too hard on myself. I battle with pride, doubt, hopelessness. I am not a good person. Fortunately I have a God that makes me who I need to be. I just need to depend on Him more than I depend on myself.

I just need some stability for myself right now. I need some mental clarity.

Mother's Day

2008-05-13T11:59:00.000-07:00

It has been far too long since I blogged. I'll try to do better.

Sunday, of course, was Mother's Day. I always knew that it would be a difficult day, but I hoped that since I was going to be in Birmingham with family it would be easier. I was flooded with various emotions.

We went to my parents' church. I had contemplated what I would do leading up to the event that occurs every Mother's Day--the recognition of all moms in the room. Kyle and I had discussed whether or not I should stand. I know in my heart that I am a mother, but I don't have a child here on earth to display. I also didn't want to give the impression that I was pregnant, because I'm not. This Sunday, though, the mother recognition was preceded by baby dedication. I was not expecting this.

Parents lined the stage and overflowed to the floor with their babies dressed in Sunday best. They were flanked on each side by siblings of the baby. The preschool minister introduced each family and baby, stated the meaning of the baby's name, and recited a companion scripture to the name meaning. I wanted so desperately to enjoy the moment and laugh with the rest of the congregation at the antics of a few babies and preschoolers. I couldn't though. I broke down in tears. And the thoughts that kept running through my head related to keeping my composure since we hadn't had the greeting yet. I didn't want anyone to feel awkward shaking the hand of a woman with red-rimmed eyes and a nose reddened by crying.

When it came time for mothers to stand, I sat. Part of me feels ashamed for sitting there and not standing--not acknowledging the baby that Kyle and I lost. I later explained to Kyle that motherhood seemed like a club that I desperately wanted to join, but I didn't meet all of the qualifications.

Later at my parents' house, before we left to return to Texas, I wished both of my grandmothers a happy Mother's Day. My mother's mother (who can be a little overwhelming and difficult at times) hugged my neck fiercely and told me happy Mother's Day. She told me that my two babies count just as much. She is the first person and the only person to ever wish me a happy Mother's Day. And surprisingly, it felt good to hear it.

I struggle with how to deal with the emotions that I feel. I honestly long to weep and not feel ashamed at my tears, but there never seems to be an appropriate time. Whenever I do get teary, I fight it down. Even as I write this I yearn to openly cry, and I don't mean with gentle tears rolling down my face. I mean the type of cry with heaving sobs. But I haven't let myself do that in a while. It always just feels like this pressure in my chest waiting for the opportunity to be released. And I still suppress it.

The challenge I face is knowing when to move on. I still don't know if it's okay to cry and weep for that which I lost, or if I should be over that by now. I don't know if it's okay to long desperately for a child which continues to be out of my grasp. When do I stop being sad? When do I start feeling like normal? Maybe I'll never get to that point again. Maybe now I'm a member of a club that not many women want to be a part of.

So, this post is in honor of all the women who long to stand with the other mother's at church. This post is in honor of the women who weep tears of sadness during baby dedication. Happy Mother's Day to you (even though it's two days late). We are tightly knitted together by the ache in our hearts for the children we've never met.

And yet I know, my God is good. He loves me. He is faithful and merciful. I call on Him and He delivers me from all my fear.

only me

2008-04-15T21:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think that my problems get so big that they are all that I can see. I try to listen and help others. I try to see others' perspectives, but I always end up focusing on myself. I don't like that. It shouldn't be all about me.

Ryan and Kelli Bishop, some dear friends of ours, just got back from a mission trip to Africa. I was able to talk to Kelli on the phone yesterday, and she told me a little about what went on. I was reminded through our conversation how blessed I truly am--not just to live in America--but to have a house, food on the table and in the fridge, clean water, and a husband who loves me. The list of blessings could go on for days. I should even be thankful that Kyle and I were able to write the check to pay the IRS. Isn't it great that God has blessed us so much that we are able to write a check to the government? I know that sounds sarcastic, but I don't mean it to be. God has richly blessed us.

I guess that sometimes God gives me a little reminder to get me out of the muck and mire. That's what His Word says, right? He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

I want to live like Jesus. I want to imitate Him. Instead of seeing only my problems and my issues, I want to be able to see things the way that He sees them. I read Ephesians 5:1-2 today. The very first part of those verses says to be imitators of God. I know that He did not intend for me to live life looking only at myself. I know that He wants me to look at others and their needs. I know that He wants me to love others more than myself. That is so very hard to do sometimes, especially when I feel like my muck and mire is justified.

But, even my muck and mire is better than what I deserve. I have a God that loves me. The creator of the universe, the conductor of the breezes and winds, the painter of the sunsets, the architect of the mountains and valleys chooses to have a relationship with me. That is so much more than what I deserve. That is all I need. He sustains me.

bad day

2008-04-10T20:17:00.000-07:00

I had a bad day yesterday. There were some issues going on that just made yesterday hard to handle. Too hard. It was the first time I've really let myself say out loud, "It's just not fair." It was the first time that I actually felt like the load was too much to bear. It was one of the hardest days I've had in a long, long time.

The thing is, I know that life is not fair. I know that I already have more than I deserve. I'm so very thankful for my husband. He is such a blessing in my life.

So if you happen to stumble across my blog today or tomorrow or any time in the next few days, please pray for me. I need peace and comfort in a pretty big way right now. I don't want answers because I know I won't get them. I just need peace.

due date

2008-04-05T07:20:00.001-07:00

Today's the day.

My friend Jennifer is here, so that is keeping me busy and keeping my mind off of it. But it's always there in the back of my mind, something that will never go away. I did cry last night. I was alone in my car picking up a pizza and remembered that the day before the D and C we had picked up a pizza from Mama's. Now the night before my due date I was picking up a pizza from the same place. It's weird how little things like that will have an effect on you.

However, God is good. He knows my heart. He loves me; I am His child. I'm reminded right now of the verses in Matthew and Luke that talk about how an earthly father wouldn't give his child a stone if he asked for bread or a snake if he asked for fish, so how much more our heavenly Father knows how to give us good gifts, the Holy Spirit. Having the presence of God with me all the time is an incredible, priceless gift. So even when the sky is gray and storm clouds are building, I have my God. Even when the damage left by the storm is severe, I have my God. Even when the damage seems unrepairable, that's right, I have my God.

He will never leave me or forsake me. He is with me always. I hope that you, reader of this blog, know this God that never abandons. I hope that you have met this Savior that is the source of hope. I hope that you will know the love of a Heavenly Father that is greater than any love you will ever give or receive from someone on this earth.

Sometimes the best thing I can do is give up on trying to put the pieces back together. I'll let the Creator of the puzzle do that.

hope

2008-03-29T16:09:00.001-07:00

Today I have this great sense of hope. I can't explain why because I don't know why. I went to the grocery store to get some supplies for a cake, and the clerk said that I look happy. I thought that was really odd to hear, but as I was leaving I realized that I had been smiling throughout the store. I probably looked like a fool. Who walks through the grocery store by herself smiling? It doesn't matter, though. I do feel good today.

One of Kyle's responsibilities with church is to write the home team curriculum. He looks at the pastor's notes for Sunday's sermon, then picks out a new passage of Scripture that covers the same topic. This week Keith's sermon is on fear. Kyle has picked out Psalm 34 to study with home teams. I'm so glad that he and I started memorizing that passage. On Monday I was very sad and blue. This week was the six month mark of the miscarriage, and our due date is one week away from today. Needless to say, it's been a challenging week. But as Kyle and I lay in bed on Monday night, I started quoting Psalm 34 through my tears. It's a great reminder that God cares, listens, and satisfies. He sustains me.

So the hope that I have today is not from me. It's from my God. He gives rest to the weary, care to the hurting, and hope to the hopeless. He is the only one who can do that. He is worthy to be praised.

effort

2008-03-27T19:15:00.000-07:00

Some days I love my job. This year it's been harder to say that. But some days, I absolutely LOVE it because there is no doubt that it's what I'm meant to do.

I have been tutoring students in small groups lately even more than normal. My co-teacher and I have figured out a way for us to each tutor for an hour and a half two days a week rather than just thirty minutes each. I tutor on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so today was my day to meet for intense small group instruction.

There is one girl in my class who consistently puts forth an effort. This girl is trying hard every time she walks in the classroom door, and she's excited to be there--for tutoring! How many children are actually excited that they have to be tutored? She comes in smiling and ready to put for an amazing effort to improve. Her mom actually told me at open house that her daughter doesn't like to read, but ever since she's been in my class she wants to read at home. It makes me feel incredible to know that she has been impacted this way. I honestly don't think it's anything I've truly done. I just try to communicate my love of reading to my whole entire class. I tell them about the books I'm reading and get excited about the books I'm going to read to them.

As I write about this girl, I can't help but think about my Jesus. I truly do love to read, and it's obvious to my students. I truly do love my Jesus, and I hope that it's just as obvious to my coworkers as my love for reading is to my students. But see, it's my job to teach the students to become better readers, to prepare them for adulthood. But it's an even greater call on my life to glorify God and have more people love Him and glorify Him. I don't know if I talk about Jesus to my friends the way that I talk about books to my students. I don't know if my eyes light up when I talk about the things that Jesus has done in my life, if I even talk about that enough to my friends.

Life is short. I know it's silly, but if you've read Kyle's blog you'll see this about me. I can be, well, a little cluttered. One of my biggest fears, honestly, is that I will die suddenly while my room is messy. Someone will come in to help Kyle out and see that I didn't pick up my laundry that day or put up my make-up or put away my blow dryer and hair straightener. Rather than worrying about things like that, I need to have a spiritual mindset about my friends. Not only is my life short, but their lives are short too. I'm not guaranteed tomorrow to be with my friend. Every day counts. Every smile, every tear, every kind word, every piece of gossip, every hug, everything matters. I make a huge effort every day to help my students love reading, to help my students prepare for life, to help my students pass TAKS. I just hope that I make more of an effort to be Jesus to the people around me. That's real life. That's eternal.

two weeks

2008-03-24T19:05:00.000-07:00

Today a friend of mine at work told me that her sister and brother in law are pregnant again. They just had a miscarriage last month, but immediately got pregnant afterwards, had a sonogram, and saw the heartbeat at six weeks. They feel like it's okay to tell everyone now that they saw the heartbeat. Normally it would make my heart twinge to hear that they got pregnant again so quickly. Today was different. It made me sad. It broke me.

Kyle and I saw our baby's heartbeat, too, at eight weeks. We thought it was safe to tell people at ten weeks. We found out the baby had died at twelve weeks. Our baby would be due in less than two weeks now. We'll never know if it was a boy or a girl. We'll never know the joy of holding that baby in our arms this side of heaven. It's been difficult lately to see the swollen bellies of other pregnant women. I envy that. I ache for that. It's hard not to feel like it should be me. Today is the first time in a few months that I have felt hopeless.

I know that I should expect the next couple of weeks to feel that way. I know that I should even expect the couple of weeks after that to feel the same, knowing that we should now have a baby at home waking us up at night, depriving us of wanted sleep, but adding a new joy to our lives.

I'm still not sure where this road leads. I know that the past four and a half years of marriage with Kyle have been incredible. I wouldn't trade that time at all. I do know that I always thought our road would lead to children. We'll see. God knows. Normally I'm okay with the not knowing part. Today, I will admit, it's much harder. Today the not knowing is hurting deeply.

stress

2008-03-09T19:46:00.001-07:00

I have been stressed lately. Between TAKS and other things going on, I have found little time to date my husband. I think that dating my husband is a stress relief for me. We're going to take care of that, though. Kyle and I are going to Fredericksburg next Sunday through Tuesday. We'll be staying at a bed and breakfast called Rose Hill Manor. Just in case you're interested, the website is www.rose-hill.com. We are so excited.

I am so thankful that God is good to remind me of scripture. Last week, in the midst of feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, I asked Kyle about a scripture. I knew there was a verse that started out, "Let us no grow weary in doing good..." but I couldn't remember the rest or where it was found. Kyle looked it up in Galations. It's chapter six, verse nine. "Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

I have found myself needing encouragement lately. I have felt the stresses of work (well, and life) building up and getting to me. I am so thankful that the Holy Spirit is in me. There is no way that on my own I can recall that scripture (which I never remember memorizing, by the way). I believe that the Holy Spirit knew that I needed a reminder of why I do what I do. When I don't see a friend come to know Jesus in my own timing I feel like I'm failing. But the Holy Spirit reminds me that I don't need to give up, that the harvest will be reaped according to God's timing, not my own. I just need to keep fighting the good fight.

a pretty bow

2008-02-18T11:41:00.001-08:00

This weekend Kyle and I were able to go to Passion in Dallas. Initially I was not really looking forward to attending. I knew that I would be emotional with everything that has been going on. I also was fearful that I would be somewhat resentful towards God about the past few months. I was overwhelmingly surprised.

The worship was incredible, the messages were convicting and encouraging. That was definitely the best way for me to spend my weekend. Even though I was completely worn out at the end, I know that God did some great things in the lives of college students, and He renewed my hope.

Louie told a story about a girl who became a Christian and died just a couple of months later. He shared about a correspondence that he had established with this girl's father, who is not a Christian. He told us that we shouldn't expect a "bow" at the end of the weekend (like the dad was going to come out and pray for the event). I think that might be an example of real faith. I think real faith is believing in God and His goodness even when things are not going to be in pretty packages. It's so easy to quote Romans 8:28 to people who are struggling through awful and devastating things. But what if we don't ever see the good? What if we don't ever see the good behind a senseless tragedy? I don't think we will always find the good in every situation. There are some things that we will never understand. I think that's where faith comes in: believing that God is God and I am not and things don't have to be good for me to love Him and put my trust in Him. Anyone can have a faith in a God that wraps everything up in a pretty package. It's much harder to have faith when it seems like we've been handed a garbage can full of junk instead of a beautiful bow.

I don't want faith to be easy. Faith is something that we should wrestle with, something to work out with fear and trembling. If it was supposed to be easy then why would Jesus say that, "small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." Why would he say that, "Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me"? These are hard things to hear. Faith is challenging. If it was obvious, then it wouldn't be faith.

Timber and Moses

2008-02-17T23:30:00.000-08:00

These are my puppies. Aren't they cute?

movie

2008-02-17T22:28:00.000-08:00

Kyle and I went to see a movie tonight. We had a great time. I love my husband very much, and he loves me too.

I really want to have the type of marriage that shows others who God is. I want others to say that no God can save or love or heal or forgive like our God can. I want to glorify God through our marriage.

Short blog tonight. It's late. I want to talk about Passion, but it will wait. I'll post more tomorrow.

when there's a deviation from the plan

2008-02-11T11:15:00.000-08:00

I had wanted to be pregnant this month. I had wanted to get pregnant in January so that I would be past the twelve week mark by the time my original due date came around. Momentarily, I thought that was going to happen.

Sometimes things don't go according to my plan. Well, a lot of times, things don't go according to my plan.

I have now experienced my second miscarriage. This one was not as far along as the other one. This one was only five to five and a half weeks. Another miscarriage was definitely not in my plan. The surprising thing is that I have not felt this peaceful and confident since September 26, which was the first miscarriage. I believe that there are so many people praying for me that there's no way I can fall. I know that there are many people praying that don't even know why they are praying for me. They just know there's a need, and they're responding to the Holy Spirit.

So, as I sit here telling the world about what's going on in my life, I know that there is more to this small blog than just my story. I know that my small story is intertwined with someone else's. God is a beautiful tapestry weaver. There is none like Him.

If you read this and feel sorry for Kyle and me, I ask you not to feel that way. I have shed tears, and I'm sure I'll shed more. But I also know that there is more to life than getting pregnant. As awesome as it may be to carry a child in the womb, I know that my calling is to glorify God with my whole life, full womb or empty womb.

Life can be a hard untraveled road to traverse. But sometimes when you come around a curve in that bumpy path there can be a beautiful display of God's creation. Sometimes the best plans are the ones that don't go just the way you planned them.

listening

2008-02-10T10:36:00.000-08:00

How beautiful are the feet that bring good news.

I know that this scripture is referencing the gospel, but I think that sometimes it can apply in other situations. I have an old dear friend of mine who listened to the Holy Spirit and gave me a call yesterday. He called to share a scripture that he had been praying over me. It was what God wanted me to hear. You see, this is not the first time that this particular friend has been prompted by the Spirit. His life displays a pattern of following God's call. So yesterday, even though it was a phone call, his feet were beautiful.

I pray that I will listen to the Holy Spirit. I pray that I will be so in tune with the Holy Spirit that I will know exactly when and how to minister to others. I pray that Christ will be glorified in the way I live my life.

My friend, you told me that you read my blog. So I'm writing this in hope that you will read and be encouraged. You are a true man after God's heart. You have always been my Barnabas. Today is a much brighter day. That doesn't mean that everything will work out the way that I always thought it would. It does mean that I know that God is in control, and that through all of the experiences in my life, and the lives of people like you, that, "many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord." That's what it's all about.

fear

2008-02-09T14:12:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how to get over fear. Kyle and I were talking about it last night. He asked me if memorizing scripture helped. I was in such a worried fearful mood that I wasn't sure how to answer. Then this morning, when I was feeling uneasy, I started saying Psalm 34: 1-9 in my head over and over. I guess the only thing I know how to do is pray that passage. I know that God is good. I know that He is faithful. The hard part is just letting go of the things that I have no control over.

I'm very unsettled today. But, I know in the midst of internal chaos, Jesus calms the storms. He's all I need.

winter

2008-01-23T17:42:00.000-08:00

I cannot stand cold weather, especially when it comes to car rider duty at school. It has been absolutely frigid the past couple of days. And yesterday I forgot a hat, scarf and gloves, so that didn't help at all.

Even though I don't like cold weather, I absolutely love winter food. Chicken and dumplings, chili, any type of soup. All of that makes me happy. There is nothing like a good bowl of soup in front of a fire. It truly is little things that bring joy during busy lives. I need to remember to be thankful for the little things.

Kyle and I are up to verse seven in Psalm 34. It's funny when God actually brings scripture to mind that you have memorized. (I don't know why I am always surprised by that. Of course, Jessica, that's one of the ways the Holy Spirit works.) I've used those verses at several different points this week. In particular, I've used verse 4, "I sought the Lord and he answered me. He delivered me from all my fears." I've had some fears lately, but I have confidence that God will deliver me from those fears as long as I'm seeking him.

God is good. God loves me. God loves you. God is going to deliver you from all your fears.

money

2008-01-15T19:58:00.000-08:00

I wish money was not a source of stress for me. I wish Kyle and I had more money to give away. It's hard to know the difference between giving to the point of faith and being foolish.

But, God is the provider. He's the source of our income. He is the one that tells us how to budget our money. I've got to trust God to show us how to divide the money. That's an issue of trust. It's a learning process. I'm glad that God's a good teacher.

Fun, fun, fun

2008-01-12T14:41:00.000-08:00

We have a dog, Moses, who we just got on the first of December. We have another dog, Timber, who is four and a half. We were worried that Timber might not be accepting of Moses. But it has brought so much joy to our lives to have both of these dogs around. We laugh at them all the time.

My parents bought Moses for us in Canton. When we were getting in the car to take him home we discovered that he was born the same day we had the miscarriage. I'm not really superstitious (I'm just a little stitious, for all you fans of "The Office"). I just think that we needed joy, and it was a reminder that God provides joy in the midst of difficulty and sadness.

I think that Kyle and I need to post a video of Moses chasing Timber around the house. It's hilarious. Maybe it would bring a little bit of joy to someone else.

Being Healthy

2008-01-09T19:22:00.000-08:00

Last night when Kyle was saying our blessing over our food, he prayed that God would help us be more healthy, physically and spiritually. That spiritual part surprised me, but it shouldn't have.

Every new year most people make New Year's resolutions. I don't know the exact statistics, but I'm sure an abundance of people decide that this will be the year that they start working out or lose weight. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. That's a great thing. I'm trying to get back on track myself. But in the midst of trying to eat better and work out more, I sometimes forget that my spiritual health is just as important.

On New Year's Eve Kyle and I played cards with my parents. He asked everyone if they had any goals for 2008. I said I wanted to increase my vocabulary (that's such a dorky teachery thing to say). My mom wants to read her Bible more. Kyle said he wanted to memorize more Scripture. Kyle and I actually started that night, but haven't really worked on it together since. We decided to start with Psalm 34. Our verse that we chose as the purpose for our marriage is Psalm 34:3, so we decided the rest of the chapter might be a great place to start.

It honestly frustrates me that I'm not good at focusing my attention on many things. I want to be a great wife, I want to eat healthy, I want to exercise, I want to be a great teacher, and so many more things. It's like I have life focus ADD. I think that if I just made it my goal each and every day to glorify God, then my other priorities would take shape.

Even if I was in the best shape of my life and eating right, but I wasn't glorifying God, I wouldn't be a healthy person. This year I do want to be healthy. I want to be an active individual who eats right. But I also want to be someone who is obviously loving God and glorifying Him. That's a true sign of health.

Late Night

2008-01-06T21:42:00.000-08:00

I really should be asleep right now. I've got school tomorrow, and I still need to finalize some plans in my head. The last thing I should be doing right now is blogging. But, I'm doing it anyway.

Today as Kyle and I were driving home from church we turned on the air conditioner. We were in my car, and normally the ac turns on immediately with cold air. Today, however, the ac made a funny noise and never completely cooled down. We think that there must be a problem. Now I don't know anything about cars, so it could be something as simple as putting freon in the car, or it could be more complicated. I'm not sure. The thing that I thought was wonderful, though, was that it's January, and we have a problem with the ac in our car. It's a problem that doesn't have to be fixed now. We can budget it in and fix it around March or so. Normally I would be, well, not in a panic, but a little nervous and stressed about how we would pay for a car repair. This time I was able to see that God is taking care of us with this car repair. It could have happened in the middle of the summer, but it happened in winter. So I am thankful that I have an ac problem.

Today at church Keith said that it's a big deal for us to be able to go through dark times and still know that we have a good God. Now our car problem is not a dark time. It's just an inconvenience. But the other things that have happened this year have been dark. But even during the seemingly hopeless points, I knew and I still know that my God is good and that I can trust him. When I have had flashes of pain and hurt and grief, Kyle has reminded me that God is a good God. The song "You Are God Alone" says, "And right now in the good times and bad You are on Your throne. You are God alone." That is true. Today is not a bad time. God is still in control. Three months ago during the miscarriage was a bad time. God was in control. Six months ago in St. John was an incredible time. God was in control. One month ago during the death of two friends was a hard time. God was in control. Who knows what one month, three months, or six months from now will be like. But God is in control. And He is good. And He has always, always been faithful. He has never given me any reason to doubt Him. Even if we go through the death of another friend or a baby, God is still faithful in those times. Even if we have an awesome year full of great things, God is still faithful in those times. In all that happens, He is in control. We live for His glory.

Christmas

2007-12-27T21:01:00.000-08:00

Kyle and I just got back from Oklahoma. Tomorrow we leave for Birmingham. It's never been a question of if we are going to see our family over the holidays. It's always just a question of how long we will be able to visit. We're really blessed in that we do get to see our family quite often compared to others.

I had to get out to deposit my pay check today and get some cash for our envelope system (Dave Ramsey, you know). I stopped in at the grocery store to get a fire log for my husband. I ran into a friend of mine while there. She asked me what the best Christmas present I received was. I stopped and thought and then realized that I had only received one gift. Kyle and I did not exchange gifts this year, and then we just drew names with his family. The awesome thing was that it was the first time I really realized that I had only received one gift. It just showed me what really makes Christmas feel like Christmas to me. I just want to be with family. If I could just spend the whole time with family (which we're doing this time) and not receive one gift, I would be completely content.

Very rarely do people get to experience what I have with my family and with Kyle's family. I am so thankful and so blessed. Even though there have been some very difficult experiences in 2007, there have been some really incredible ones too. God is good. He is always good.

Time

2007-12-17T20:06:00.000-08:00

It has been a hard couple of months. Of course the miscarriage has been hard. That was at the end of September. I can't believe it's almost been three months now. Sometimes it feels as if time is just creeping by, and other times I wonder where it went. A friend of ours from Florida was killed in a car accident two weeks ago now. Kyle flew down for the funeral. And then Kyle's grandfather figure, Earl, passed away one week ago. Kyle went to George's funeral last Monday, and then we went to Earl's funeral on Friday. On Saturday we had a wedding. We've had some major highs and lows in the past few months.

My emotions these days are far from steady. I've always been a pretty sensitive person, but the past couple of months tears have flown freely in my house. My aunt has told me that tears are cleansing, and I believe her. It's been good to cry. Sometimes it's frustrating because I just want to be "myself" again, but I know that tears are good for me. I think that I'm beginning to realize, though, that I will probably never go back to being as innocent as I was before the miscarriage. I guess that struggles do that to you. Just like rain and storms eat away at the walls of a canyon, carving a beautiful path to explore, trials and difficult circumstances help shape me into the person that God wants me to be. Even though my emotions and feelings are far from dependable, my God is very dependable and steady. He doesn't change, and during times like these, that's pretty important.

Right now I'm wondering about God's timing. I don't know how it works. I don't need to know, but I still wonder. With the pregnancy, everything seemed to be perfect timing. Right now I can't help but think that if I got pregnant this month, that it would be the worst possible timing. But then I think that if I didn't get pregnant that I would be disappointed. I guess it's good that I'm not in control. That's not something that I always want to willingly relinquish. Sure, I say that I'm glad that I don't have the power to control things, but I think that at times I really do question whether God's timing really is better than my own. Of course, I know it is. I know that He sees the big picture. It's just hard to always feel like God's timing is perfect. I guess that's why feelings are not trustworthy.

I'm ready for this year to be over. I don't want to forget the pain, though. It reminds me that one day there will be no more pain. That sounds like a completely obvious statement. What I mean is that it gives me something to look forward to even more. One day, I'll be able to glorify my Father in heaven. There will be no more loss. That's definitely hopeful. I'm not a "mystical" thinker. I like knowing things and having faith. I like having faith that there is a God and that He sent His son Jesus to earth. I like having faith that the Holy Spirit is guiding me and directing me. But sometimes I get a little uncomfortable with some of the mysteriousness of faith, especially the whole heaven part. It's always weird to me to picture people in heaven and imagine seeing them there, like there is this other little community where people walk around and have conversations with people that used to be dead. Part of me thinks that there won't be conversations like this, that we'll all just be so enamored with our Father that all we will want to do is sing and praise and glorify. I can't help but feel, though, that George met my baby when he arrived in heaven. So did Earl. The Sunday before last we sang a David Crowder song that has the line, "Majesty, finally," in it. I couldn't help but hear George singing this song with his hands up in the air to Jesus. Maybe the loss of some people in my life has caused me to look more towards heaven. That's probably not a bad thing. I just hope that I'm glorifying my Father here on earth just as much as I will in heaven.

Sunday's Message

2007-11-11T16:01:00.000-08:00

I really enjoyed the message at church on Sunday. Keith talked about how the message of Christianity is counter-cultural. I know that sounds like an obvious statement, but I'm going to explain with a little more detail.

In America we strive for independence, from financial independence to lifestyle independence. We always feel the need to do it on our own. If we can't make it on our own without leaning on anyone else then we are not successful in America. We want to be able to pull ourselves up by our boot straps. That is an anti-Christian mindset.

Following Jesus is admitting that you can't do it on your own. Following Jesus is realizing that you need help. I think this is where many of us in American Christian culture struggle. I have friends (and I'm not any different) that feel bad when they have to ask for help. I would much rather walk through the valley of the shadow of death with my friend than watch her walk through it on her own. I know that there is no way I prefer walking through a scary time by myself over walking through it with a friend.

The early church did life together. They ate together, shared time together, and took care of each other. When one of them had a need, then the group helped meet that need. Can you imagine if today's church was really like that? What a difference people would see in us if we really cared for each other, and not just for each other but for our neighbors next door and across the street. That statement, "They will know us by our love," is so true. It's based on what John writes in his first letter. If I live a life filled with Christ's love, that changes people and impacts people. Imagine if a whole home team did that, or if a whole church did that. That's where revival begins to happen. And I'm not talking church tent revival. I'm talking about lives in communities being changed, families being healed, needs being met, and hearts being mended. The members of that home team and the members of that church become the face of Jesus. When people start seeing who the real Jesus is, things happen. That's real revival.

I am so glad that this is part of Rockway's philosophy. I am so thankful that we emphasize community. I place a lot of value in authenticity, and I feel like we have that in my home team.

Anyway, I guess that is all. I have a lot to do and not much time to do it all. God is good. Can't wait to see what He has in store for our community.

Kyle

2007-11-09T15:51:00.001-08:00

I must be married to the best guy in the world. Who else would take time out of his own day to come see a school program? That says a lot. God sure did pour out the blessings in my life when He put Kyle in it. We have fun. Life is good with him.

Alabama Football

2007-11-04T19:14:00.000-08:00

Last night I watched the Alabama-LSU football game with Kyle, Joel, and Angela. It was great to spend time with my friends and family. The sad part was the game. I don't know if I can explain how much I love Alabama football. It is definitely a passion of mine. In fact tonight I pulled up some old Alabama football plays on YouTube. I know some would say that's lame, but that's just what I enjoy. I grew up watching games with my family. Maybe that's why I love the games so much. They mean more than just football. They mean years of hanging out with my dad and my brother and my uncles and cousins. (My mom was there too, but she doesn't get into it the same way.) I even remember the first time I ever prayed for Alabama to win a football game. It was the Arkansas game in 1993. I was at my grandparents' house. They were losing, but they had a chance to win towards the end. I went back to the "yellow room" and prayed the God would help them win. They lost.

I think even then, at the age of 13, I understood that God cared about the small things. Just because prayers aren't answered the way that we want them to be doesn't mean that they're not answered. I love it that I still remember that. God knows my heart. He knows that I loved Alabama football passionately at that age. He knew it was important to me, so it's good that I prayed about it.

God truly cares about me. God truly cares about my heart. God cares about the things that are important to me. It is pretty incredible to think that the God of the universe, the maker of the stars and the galaxies, the creator of all things beautiful, cares about me. I matter to Him.

As I've gotten older I still am very passionate about Alabama football, especially since I live in a different state now. But, I think that as I grow closer to God my heart changes. I still hope Alabama wins every single game. But, my heart is different now. I think about how passionate so many people in that stadium are for Alabama. I think about how everyone outside that stadium knows that there are exciting things going on because of all the screaming and yelling and cheering. Wouldn't it be great if we were that passionate about God? It would be incredible if I was so passionate about God that other people around me noticed. I don't know if my life screams Jesus.

I yell at the players when they don't do what I think they should do. I am so eager to point them in the right direction so they can score or hit the opposing player. In life there are people dying. We go to work and school with dying people. I need to care about their spiritual condition the way that I care about the running back dodging the lineman to run down the field and score.

Okay, so I've been writing this during the Dallas-Philly game, so I don't know if I've even made much sense. But, I did want to journal. God is good. He cares about me. He cares about people. I need to care about people the way that God does. This week I want to see people with God's eyes instead of my own. I want to hear the silent cries. I want to Jesus to be evident in my life.

My Two Cents

2007-11-03T11:34:00.000-07:00

This has nothing to do with anything going on in my life. I just feel like ranting a little bit right now. It probably doesn't help that I'm on steroids for my hives, so my emotions are on a roller coaster. It doesn't matter, though. My opinion is not dependent on whether or not I'm happy or sad.

So, the coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, Andy Reid, is under a lot of scrutiny right now. Two of his sons have been arrested for drug possession. I don't have all of the details. I just know the surface story. The thing that upsets me is the judge in this case. Montgomery County Judge Steven O'Neill said this was a "family in crisis." He also said that he didn't know if the boys should return home after their sentence was completed. He said, "There isn't any structure there that this court can depend on." Now, one could see why the judge would say this if the boys were teenagers. The parents were not providing a structured home environment to secure the safety and health of their children. This is not the case, however. These "boys" are 22 and 24 years old. They are adults. The parents at this point are not supposed to provide "structure" at home for their children. These young men are responsible for their own actions and responsible for providing their own structure at home. At this point in the lives of these young men, their parents can no longer be held responsible for the actions of their children.

I just feel like this judge knew that this was going to be a case that the public would be interested in. He knew that he would have the opportunity to be out in front of the nation with his rulings and his opinions. I do not feel like the judge was wise or ethical with his comments. In my opinion he abused his position. It just really burns me up to hear a comment like that.

Okay, there's my vent and my rant. I apologize. It just really made me mad to hear about this. I don't know Andy Reid. I don't even like the Philadelphia Eagles. But situations where people have been treated unfairly or unjustly burn me up.

I apologize if there are details about this case that I am unfamiliar with that would cause me to have a differing opinion. If you know something about it then please enlighten me.

Helping the Hurting

2007-10-31T20:52:00.000-07:00

I wish that we were all willing to be helped and held when we are hurting and in need.

I wish that we never felt like we had to do life on our own.

I wish that culture didn't tell us that we have to be strong and independent in order to be successful.

I wish we didn't believe all of the lies culture tells us.

So, if you read this, then please reach out to the hurting. Also, if you are hurting, be willing to accept help from your friends. Let your friends love you. You don't have to do it on your own. You will never be able to do it on your own.

Christ is in me. I can't do it on my own. I can't help a friend on my own. But, if my friend needs someone to lean on, it is Christ in me that is strong. It is Christ in me that my friend can depend on. It is Christ in me that loves my friend through thick and thin. It is Christ in me.

Update--Just for Jennifer =)

2007-10-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

I am feeling good tonight. We paid off the last of our credit card debt just a few hours ago. We are past Baby Step 1 and Baby Step 2 in Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University! Woo hoo! I actually feel safe right now because we have a budget. I'm really excited to see the way that our finances look five to ten years from now. Sometimes during those classes I feel like an idiot because I don't always completely understand the details of investments and the ins and outs of insurance, but we're going to just keep plugging away and sticking to our course.

I actually was just looking in my Bible for a verse from our class that talks about that principle. I found a different one instead. Proverbs 16:9 says "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." I thought it was rather ironic that that is the verse I turned to. I have made many, many plans in my young twenty-seven years. I have always been a motivated planner. I'm not the best at keeping the plan completely organized, but I know the plan and I follow the rules. When I wanted to lose weight last year, I followed the rules and I lost twenty pounds. When I became pregnant I cut out the caffeine and the diet soda because that's the rule. I don't get traffic tickets because I follow the rules. Kyle and I are doing Dave Ramsey, and we follow all the rules. I am a great rule follower. Sometimes, though, my best laid plans and rules are not going to get the results that I want. That's sometimes a hard thing to realize. No matter how hard I try, sometimes I just can't do it on my own. In fact, I'm learning that I never can do it on my own. My plans, no matter how big and mighty, might not be the best plans. God's plans are the best plans. So, I may plan out my life (you know, get pregnant, have the baby right before TAKS testing, have maternity leave that goes straight into summer vacation), but God has a better plan.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that God wanted our baby to die. I'm just saying that God is going to use whatever happens in Kyle's life and my life to make his name known. Kyle and I may never have a baby. That might just be the plan. And please don't write off my musings as the ramblings of a negative person. I am just speaking truth. Kyle and I may have lots of babies (Heaven helps us!). We don't know. As much as I like to know the plan, as much as I like to follow the rules, there is a great beauty in letting go. There is a great freedom in knowing that I don't have to take on the burden. So, for right now, I'm going to sit back, talk to God, love His people, and enjoy the ride that is life. Sometimes you hear people tell the story about how your life is a tapestry being woven by God, and when you get to the end, you look back and see that even the difficult and seemingly ugly parts weave to form a beautiful picture. Maybe it's bigger than that. Maybe it's about how Kyle's life weaves into my life and my life weaves into someone else's and so on. Maybe it's one giant tapestry throughout mankind. Maybe God's trying to weave a tapestry to show how holy and awesome and powerful and mighty and great He is. Maybe this tapestry is a beautiful piece showing how God loves each of us, showing His pursuit of us. I don't know. I hope that my theology is not off. Kyle, if it is, then let me know. I want to think rightly about God.

Anyway, that was a long post. And Jennifer, it was for you. There's our discussion on the couch for today. I'll talk to you later on this week. =)

Back in the Workout Saddle

2007-10-15T15:59:00.001-07:00

I went back to my workout class today at the Y. I didn't get to workout this past week just because of the hectic week we had, but I had been running and doing the elliptical machine before that for about a week and a half. I love the way excercise makes me feel. I always feel like I can beat up somebody or play a real sport when I get done. It just makes me feel good.

However, at the start of class today, I could see myself in the mirror. It just felt gross to see myself and think that I'm back to square one. I hate that feeling. It's just disheartening.

Support System

2007-10-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

My husband is too good to me. I can't believe how good God is to me sometimes. He really blessed me when He gave me Kyle. Kyle is such a good and Godly man. He knows how to love me and how to take care of me. I just can't get over how blessed I am. I think we're going to the fair tomorrow. There is no one else that I would rather hang out with than my husband. We have fun together, and it's so obvious that Jesus is in him. I know that is what I love about him. Christ is so obvious in his life that it just overflows into the way he treats people and loves people.

Today was a hard day. I think that with so much going on this week (no free night at home), I have just been tired. Tired and emotional don't mix well. I haven't been as patient or as merciful. That bothers me. When you're under pressure, you see what's really on the inside. I didn't like what came out today. I have such a great support system, though. I know that there are many people out there praying for me. By the way, Kelli Bishop, if you read this, your comments have meant so much to me. When I read your comment about how your discipleship group prayed for me, I couldn't help but cry. Thank you for being aware of what the Holy Spirit is telling you. He knew I needed prayer.

I'm so glad that God has a bigger and better plan than my own. I know that I can't do this on my own. I know that I can't make the right things happen on my own. I just trust that God is going to take care of everything. I can't do anything about any of this. I just have to do what I know is right, and let God be in control.

I think I'm going to bed. It's too late to be up right now. I want to snuggle with my husband. I love him too much to just let him sit in his chair and be lonely. I think his arms are calling my name.

Cleansing Tears

2007-10-11T19:56:00.000-07:00

Tonight I have been sad. In my urgency to help friends in need the past couple of weeks, I have felt the need to be strong. Even though no one has said this or even hinted at it, I have felt pressure (maybe even from within myself) to move on and get over it. I just can't do it tonight. I need to cry. I need to be sad. I need to mourn. Sometimes it's hard to feel the freedom to do that. My Aunt Lecia told me that tears are cleansing. Tonight I need to be cleansed.

I Got Tagged

2007-10-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

My friend Kelli Bishop tagged me. So, I guess I have to fill this out. Normally I don't do things like this, but since it's about Kyle, I think I'll probably enjoy it. My answers probably won't be as sweet as Kelli's were about Ryan. I'm a little sleepy right now, so I'm having a hard time concentrating. It was good to see them on Friday. Hopefully they'll come back and visit soon, or we'll head up to Louisville to visit.

1. Who is your man? Aaron Kyle Walker. He goes by the name Kyle.

2. How long have you been together? Well, if you count dating, then five years, three months, and five days. If you are only counting marriage then four years, three months, and eighteen days.

3. How long did you date? We dated long distance for five months. We were only in the same town for three weeks.

4. How old is your man? Let's see, I'm 27, so Kyle's 28.

5. Who eats more? Well, I think at dinner and lunch Kyle eats more, but if we're talking snacks, then I'm the winner.

6. Who said "I love you" first? Kyle was the one, but I quickly followed within seconds.

7. Who is taller? Kyle is taller, but when I wear my four inch heels we're eye-to-eye.

8. Who sings better? I guess I would say I do. Unless we're talking who sings better in the shower or who sings the best in an obnoxious way. Then it would be Kyle. =)

9. Who is smarter? Ooh, Kyle would say I am, but he's smarter than me in a lot of ways.

10. Whose temper is worse? Probably me. Kyle thinks he has rage, but I never see it. He's too kind to be full of anger.

11. Who does the laundry? That would be Kyle, most of the time. He spoils me rotten.

12. Who takes out the garbage? That would be Kyle, again. I'm telling you, he spoils me.

13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? I'm on the right side if you're in the bed. But it's weird, that's only when we're at our house. If we go somewhere else, we might switch sides without even realizing it.

14. Who pays the bills? Since we started Dave Ramsey, we both do.

15. Who is better with the computer? My man. He's incredible.

16. Who mows the lawn? Kyle does. I am forever thankful for that, too.

17. Who cooks dinner? I cook dinner most of the time. Kyle does dishes. We make a great team.

18. Who drives when you are together? Kyle drives most of the time, especially at night.

19. Who pays when you go out? Probably me, only because I've been holding onto the cash envelopes lately. I paid most of the time when we were dating. I'm his sugar momma. =)

20. Who is most stubborn? I win, I win! I am absolutely the most stubborn person in my house! He didn't believe me before we got married, but now he knows!

21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? I wish it was me, but it's probably Kyle. Since I'm the stubborn one, and I think I'm always right, so I'm less likely to admit I'm wrong. I'm working on it, though.

22. Whose parents do you see the most? We are blessed enough to live about ten miles away from Kyle's parents. We see them more often just because of location.

23. Who kissed who first? Kyle asked me if he could kiss me, and of course I said yes. I had been waiting!

24. Who asked who out? Kyle asked me out.

25. Who proposed? Kyle asked me to marry him. It was all a complete surprise. I had no idea it was coming. I'm just very gullible.

26. Who is more sensitive? I get my feelings hurt more easily, but Kyle is more sensitive to the needs and hearts of others. He is amazing.

27. Who has more friends? Probably Kyle. He is very likeable, and he makes me look good.

28. Who has more siblings? Kyle has two brothers, and I only have one.

29. Who wears the pants in the family? Kyle, I hope. Especially when it comes to make major decisions. I'm so glad that he has to do it, not me!

30. What's your favorite thing about your man? I sound like I'm copying Kelli, but for Kyle it's true. I love the way he loves people. He is the type of person who genuinely cares about others and their needs. I also love his sense of humor. He makes me laugh more than anyone I know. There are so many more things that I love about Kyle. He's just steady for me. I'm so blessed that I get to spend the rest of my life with hm.

Uneventful Evening

2007-10-08T19:12:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment. I'm a little nervous about what he is going to say or tell us. I'm also nervous about crying. The doctor is probably used to that, though. We'll see what he has to say. God's plan is right, no matter what. I can follow His plan even if it's not what I thought it would be. So, if anyone reads this tonight or tomorrow, please pray that all will go well. I still have hives, and we would like to see if we could visit an endocrinologist to have my thyroid checked out.

On a completely different note, Tony Romo has four interceptions so far in this Cowboys game. That's not good. I told Kyle that Romo's cocky enough to pull through, though. Kyle's pretty nervous right now. I can see him from where I'm sitting. He's just standing in front of the tv swaying back and forth. He'll start to raise his fist to be happy then put it down if the play doesn't turn out the way he wanted. He of course is wearing that Dallas Cowboys shirt. I have to get him a new one. He wears that thing every week. I am glad that he wears it, but some variety might help. I'll need to add more money to our clothes budget next month so I can get him a new shirt.

He's a good husband. I am so blessed. Not many people can say that about their spouse. He's just good to me. He shows me Jesus by the way he lives his life. That makes me love him more.

Week in review

2007-10-06T09:31:00.000-07:00

This week has been a tale of two halves. The first half of the week was very challenging. There were many tears. The second half of the week definitely had more hope. There were still tears, but they were different tears.

Last night I went out to dinner with two friends. We had a great time. We did fondue, so it took a long time. It was just good to talk together and cry together. It was just a good night. Not to mention the food was so yummy, especially the chocolate. We had the pecan caramel chocolate blend, and it was just divine. I could have wallowed in that stuff.

Yesterday I saw one of my co-workers. She was three weeks ahead of me, I think, in our pregnancies. She's beginning to show. It was the first time that I saw a pregnant belly and had a twinge of jealousy and pain. I have heard that is actually very common. I'm still very happy for the people that I work with that are pregnant. Children are such a blessing, and these ladies that I work with are so sweet and kind. They are the type of people that should be having children because they're such good mothers. I hope that one day I'll fall into that category.

As soon as we found out we were pregnant we began looking for updates online to see how much the baby had grown this week, or how big the baby should be, or what organs developed this week. As soon as I got home that Tuesday that we found out that the baby had died I tried to unsubscribe us from those e-mail updates. We still get them, though. Apparently I didn't do it the right way. Yesterday there was an e-mail saying how big the baby was at 14 weeks. It was very sad for me to see that. My doctor's appointment is on Tuesday. It will be interesting to hear what he has to say about trying again. Initially Kyle and I were both very nervous about becoming parents and having a family. I was honestly nervous about losing time with him. Now I feel selfish for ever feeling that way. I know how Kyle and I are. I know that we'll still make time for us. I know that we'll both stumble our way through parenthood making mistakes and learning from them, hopefully. I just want to get that opportunity.

Anyway, I trust God. I think that even though this has been the hardest thing that we've ever gone through, we have been supported by so many people. We have been cared for by the hands of Jesus because we are surrounded by people who love Him. That reminds me of my life as a Christian. It's not a job to love people. It's not a job to care for people. It's just who we should be in Christ. Because the character of Christ loves and cares for people, and Christ is in me, then it is part of my character to love and care for people. Please continue to pray us through this. Please continue to pray that Christ in me will be obvious to the people I know and love and meet on a daily basis.

Head vs. Heart

2007-10-03T18:34:00.000-07:00

Last night Kyle and I took a great walk. We talked about how this whole experience feels like a battle between our heads and our hearts. In my head I know that everything will be okay. In my head I know that God is faithful and that He has a perfect plan. My heart just can't move as quickly as my head can. My head seems to want to move through the grieving process quickly, while my heart wants to sit and mourn for a little while longer. I think this is normal, though. I can kind of compare it to faith. I have faith and know that God is real and that He has changed my life, but I don't always feel His presence. Fortunately the Bible tells me over and over that I can know God and how I can know that I belong to Him even though I might not always feel that way.

Tonight has been the best night since the miscarriage. It's probably the most hopeful I have felt in a week. God has blessed me with a wonderful husband that knows how to be there for me. He doesn't have to be strong or tough, I just like it that he is here to hold my hand. We're going to hold hands and walk through this trial together. There is hope.

"To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy which so powerfully works in me."

Colossians 1:27-29

The phrase I keep thinking of is "Christ in you, the hope of glory." That pops in my head many times each day. But then when I went back and read the rest of the verses, it made me realize that the whole "Christ in me" part is what's going to make the difference in the lives of my friends and neighbors and other people I meet. I can't make a difference on my own, but with Christ in me, I don't have to worry. He changes people. That is a very good thing.

New Day

2007-10-02T17:33:00.000-07:00

Today was hard, too. I don't know why, but I guess I expected that each day would be a little easier. I don't think it happens that way, though.

I continue to hear stories from friends and acquaintances about how a miscarriage has affected their lives. Not all of them have happy endings. I almost think that it is good for me to hear that. I think that it still reminds me that God works in ways that we are not guaranteed to understand.

Like I've said earlier, I think that God can use this experience to show other people how great He is. Today I think God gave me a little bit more peace about that. I don't want to reveal too many details, but I am beginning to think that a friend of mine might be just a little bit more open to God today than he/she was last month. I just pray that God will continue to use this situation in our lives to bring Himself glory.

So if you have been praying for Kyle and me, please continue. But also please pray for our friends that don't know Jesus. I want them to know Christ and the power of his resurrection.

One More Thing

2007-10-01T20:09:00.001-07:00

I took a great run tonight. I listened to my music. For running I can't seem to use worship music, I have to use pop and rock. I really enjoy running. It clears my head and makes me feel healthy, especially since I really enjoy those chocolate chip cookies or brownies and ice cream here and there.

When I got back home I sat in the bed of Kyle's truck and listened to a couple of songs. They are songs that I think really mean a lot to me right now. One is "The Glory of It All" by David Crowder. It is an incredible song. Kyle and I always wanted our marriage to be for God's glory. This song reminds me of that. I know that everything that I do throughout each day should be done for the glory of God.

I also listened to "You Are God Alone." This is absolutely one of my favorite worship songs. I love all the verses, the chorus, and the bridge. The chorus says, "You are God alone. From before time began you were on your throne. You are God alone. And right now in the good times and bad you are on your throne. You are God alone." It reminds me of the reading we've been doing in home teams from 1 John 1 where he talks about Jesus being from the beginning, also tying back to John 1. He is from the beginning, before the beginning, and He is always. That is an unfathomable thought for me.

The last one was Matt Redman's "You Never Let Go." Now I will admit I've never been a Matt Redman fan. Kyle really likes him. But the verses in this song are taken straight from scripture. It's great for me to listen to because it reminds me of God's promises. His perfect love drives out all fear. He never lets go of me.

It's awesome to know that in my weakness (which I have a lot of), God is strong. That's a good thing.

Jump In

2007-10-01T15:45:00.000-07:00

Today was my first day back to school since our miscarriage. God has blessed me with such an awesome team of teachers. They really look out for me. My partner teacher, Toni, took my kids for a good part of the day so I could catch up on plans and grades. They all took care of me today.

Yesterday I went to church. That was hard, but I made it through. I guess I never really expected something like this to happen, and then I also never expected it to be as hard as it is. Last night at home team we had the Lord's Supper. I couldn't help but think back to the last Lord's Supper I participated in. It was the night before I found out I was pregnant. I was actually really upset that night because I had really bad hives and no idea why. The articles I had read on the internet (of course an always reliable source) said that sometimes hives were the sign of infertility. So, I was really nervous that maybe I was infertile. That night Kyle and I actually prayed that we would give God control no matter what and that we would rejoice no matter what. The next day I took the pregnancy test, and it was positive. I am sure that the night before when we were praying God was smiling at us saying, "You just wait." So, last night when we took the Lord's Supper, I could honestly tell God that I know He has a plan, even though I have no idea what it is. I could honestly admit that God will take care of us and provide, even if we never have a baby.

I don't know what the future holds. I do know that I am called to minister to the kids in my classroom every day. I take joy in that. I love what I do. I know that I am called to minister to my fellow teachers, even though they are ministering to me right now. God has a great and mighty plan. I can't wait to see what He does in my life, in Kyle's life, and the lives of the people around us.

Loss

2007-09-29T15:21:00.000-07:00

It's hard to lose someone you love. Whether through a break-up, a move, or a death. Kyle and I lost our baby this week twelve weeks into our pregnancy. It's been a very difficult experience for both of us. I really don't understand why things like this happen. I know that we are definitely not the only people that something like this has happened to. So many friends and family have poured out love on us and shared their stories of loss. There are many stories of tragedy and heartache.

I told Kyle that I feel like it would be wrong if I looked at this situation just by how it effects me. I know without a doubt that God can use something like this to make His name great. As much as I want to be pregnant, and as much as I miss our baby, I know that God can use this for His glory. If how Kyle and I handle this shows friends of ours how great our God is, then it is worth it. Even if we never see how God uses this to show His glory, I trust that He is in control and that His plan is better than my own.

Kyle and I will grieve. We will struggle and cry and pray our way through this. We do know that we have happy days ahead. Whether that's through another pregnancy or a different plan, we don't know. I know that God is good. I know I can trust Him. He has proven Himself over and over in my life and in my husband's life. I know who God is, and I know who He will always be. He is faithful. He is infinite. He is love. God will provide healing and peace in our lives, and someday we'll be able to use this to minister to others.