back in the habit

I'm going to try to start blogging again. We'll see how it goes, especially since I'm going to start a family blog for us as well. If you know me, then keep asking me about it.

last year

Tonight at home team someone brought up the death of a friend that occurred last December. Kyle and I actually lost two friends last December. One lost a long battle with a brain tumor. The other was tragically killed in a car accident. Being reminded of those deaths made me think what a tough year we had last school year. Two miscarriages and the deaths of two friends. What a difference a year makes.

I started thinking about how this current pregnancy has really helped me move past the miscarriage last September. To feel this baby move is completely unbelievable. It's so incredible to think that there is a tiny human being growing inside me. I don't understand the details of how it works, but I think it's such a reminder of what an incredible God I serve. Today Kyle's sermon was about the blind man being healed in John 9. At the beginning of the chapter the disciples ask Jesus who sinned in order to cause the man to be born blind. Jesus responds by saying, "Neither this man nor his parent sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." I have always thought that if the death of our first child helped draw someone closer to Jesus then it would be worth it. But I haven't seen that happen. I think I'm beginning to realize that I might not always see the work of God be displayed in that person's life. It might be something that happens years down the road. I've finally come to grips with that.

I also began to ponder the wives of my friends that died last December. Their stories are completely different than mine. I have hope and excitement now because God has given me another child to experience. But these lovely and Godly women don't have a new life to celebrate. But yet that same verse applies to these women. We've experienced loss, but through it all our Lord can use this to display the work of God in our lives.

Death is hard. Loss is not easy. I honestly don't believe we're meant to understand it all. But, I know that our God is good. I know that He's bigger than death. And if something horrible in my life can be used to draw others close to our wonderful Jesus, then in the end that's all that matters.

long time

It has been a really long time since I've blogged. Kyle keeps asking me when I'm going to start blogging again, and I decided tonight is perfect since he's watching the game. Hopefully the Horns will be able to pull out a win.

I've been thinking this week about having a baby boy and raising him to be a man. What a huge responsibility. It really kind of scares me to think that Kyle and I are going to be in charge of making sure this precious little baby becomes a man. There are so many qualities I want him to have, so many things that I pray for him about. I want him to love Jesus. I can't make him do that, Kyle and I can only lead by example. I want him to be a person of integrity. I want him to care deeply for people. I also want him to be independent and confident. The list goes on and on.

And then, on top of those thoughts, there are the decisions we have to make about items that we need. Do we really need everything that we admire at Babies R Us? I know that those aren't all necessities. It's just hard to know--when you've never been a parent before--what all you'll need to take care of an infant. Some say you need a changing table, others tell us they never use one. What about those huge stroller systems. Do we need one of those, or is that just something that everybody gets? You should have seen Kyle and me trying to figure out how to work one of those things at Babies R Us. He laughed and said we looked like two monkeys exploring something new.

There's also advice. How do I really know which book is best? Is attachment parenting the way to go? What about natural childbirth? How do I know who to trust when it comes to advice about how to parent?

I think that this is just part of my personality. I constantly desire to be good at what I do. I'm one of those people who won't try things because I'm scared of failure or scared of not being good at something. I'm going to have quite a wake up call. This is going to be a learning experience for me. I can't expect to be the best at something that I've never done before. I think that in the end, Kyle and I will figure out what works for us. And he and I both have great sets of parents that are wonderful examples. Then on top of that, we have an amazing Father who is the ultimate example of a great parent. We'll just have to ultimately lean on that as our guide.

fear

I don't like being scared.

even if he doesn't

So, I'm feeling a little anxious. It probably has a lot to do with Kyle being out of town AGAIN and the a/c going out in my house. But, there are other issues too.

Last week, or maybe two weeks ago, I studied Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego during my Bible study. Now those guys have amazing faith. They truly believed that God could save them from the fiery furnace, but even if He didn't, then they were still going to believe and worship God Almighty. That's big faith.

Anyone out there who reads my blog regularly knows that there are things that have gone on in my life that make me wonder about faith, just like any normal person who faces challenges. I am really excited that my faith seems to be growing and increasing. I truly believe that's an answer to prayer. But that whole part from Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego--the line about "even if he doesn't"--that is overwhelmingly difficult for me to pray. But, I'm getting there. Even if he doesn't, I will still trust. Even if he doesn't, I will still be faithful. Even if he doesn't, I will still worship.

offended

This morning I was doing my Bible study, and I read the passage Matthew 11:1-19. This is where John the Baptist sends some of his disciples (he's in prison) to ask Jesus if he really is the Son of God, the one who was prophesied about. Verse six specifically caught my attention during this study. I was reading NIV, but ESV has a good version of this verse, too. It says, "And blessed is the one who is not offended by me." My Bible study talked about the various meanings of the Greek word for offended. The one that applies to this verse is "to cause a person to begin to distrust and desert one whom he ought to trust and obey."

Okay, that first paragraph was really wordy, but now I'm just going to explain why that's so cool to me. I'm going to go through hard and difficult times--times that challenge my faith. This verse says blessed is the one that goes through those faith-challenging times and still continues to believe. That was pretty awesome for me to read today. God's not always going to answer my prayers the way that I want him to. Sometimes he says yes, and sometimes he says no. But through it all, I can continue to have faith in the one who sees the big picture, the one who sees my life-mission.

cry

I am constantly crying. I just started this Bible study about two to three weeks ago, and every time I pray I cry. Every time I read scripture I cry. Every time I read something sentimental I cry.

God knows my tears. Psalm 126:5 says, "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." I can't help but think my song of joy is coming. I think God is softening my heart so I can be used by Him. I'm so thankful that I see a change in myself. I'm so thankful that I'm seeing less of myself and more of my Jesus.