Friday, October 30, 2009
back in the habit
I'm going to try to start blogging again. We'll see how it goes, especially since I'm going to start a family blog for us as well. If you know me, then keep asking me about it.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
last year
Tonight at home team someone brought up the death of a friend that occurred last December. Kyle and I actually lost two friends last December. One lost a long battle with a brain tumor. The other was tragically killed in a car accident. Being reminded of those deaths made me think what a tough year we had last school year. Two miscarriages and the deaths of two friends. What a difference a year makes.
I started thinking about how this current pregnancy has really helped me move past the miscarriage last September. To feel this baby move is completely unbelievable. It's so incredible to think that there is a tiny human being growing inside me. I don't understand the details of how it works, but I think it's such a reminder of what an incredible God I serve. Today Kyle's sermon was about the blind man being healed in John 9. At the beginning of the chapter the disciples ask Jesus who sinned in order to cause the man to be born blind. Jesus responds by saying, "Neither this man nor his parent sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." I have always thought that if the death of our first child helped draw someone closer to Jesus then it would be worth it. But I haven't seen that happen. I think I'm beginning to realize that I might not always see the work of God be displayed in that person's life. It might be something that happens years down the road. I've finally come to grips with that.
I also began to ponder the wives of my friends that died last December. Their stories are completely different than mine. I have hope and excitement now because God has given me another child to experience. But these lovely and Godly women don't have a new life to celebrate. But yet that same verse applies to these women. We've experienced loss, but through it all our Lord can use this to display the work of God in our lives.
Death is hard. Loss is not easy. I honestly don't believe we're meant to understand it all. But, I know that our God is good. I know that He's bigger than death. And if something horrible in my life can be used to draw others close to our wonderful Jesus, then in the end that's all that matters.
I started thinking about how this current pregnancy has really helped me move past the miscarriage last September. To feel this baby move is completely unbelievable. It's so incredible to think that there is a tiny human being growing inside me. I don't understand the details of how it works, but I think it's such a reminder of what an incredible God I serve. Today Kyle's sermon was about the blind man being healed in John 9. At the beginning of the chapter the disciples ask Jesus who sinned in order to cause the man to be born blind. Jesus responds by saying, "Neither this man nor his parent sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." I have always thought that if the death of our first child helped draw someone closer to Jesus then it would be worth it. But I haven't seen that happen. I think I'm beginning to realize that I might not always see the work of God be displayed in that person's life. It might be something that happens years down the road. I've finally come to grips with that.
I also began to ponder the wives of my friends that died last December. Their stories are completely different than mine. I have hope and excitement now because God has given me another child to experience. But these lovely and Godly women don't have a new life to celebrate. But yet that same verse applies to these women. We've experienced loss, but through it all our Lord can use this to display the work of God in our lives.
Death is hard. Loss is not easy. I honestly don't believe we're meant to understand it all. But, I know that our God is good. I know that He's bigger than death. And if something horrible in my life can be used to draw others close to our wonderful Jesus, then in the end that's all that matters.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
long time
It has been a really long time since I've blogged. Kyle keeps asking me when I'm going to start blogging again, and I decided tonight is perfect since he's watching the game. Hopefully the Horns will be able to pull out a win.
I've been thinking this week about having a baby boy and raising him to be a man. What a huge responsibility. It really kind of scares me to think that Kyle and I are going to be in charge of making sure this precious little baby becomes a man. There are so many qualities I want him to have, so many things that I pray for him about. I want him to love Jesus. I can't make him do that, Kyle and I can only lead by example. I want him to be a person of integrity. I want him to care deeply for people. I also want him to be independent and confident. The list goes on and on.
And then, on top of those thoughts, there are the decisions we have to make about items that we need. Do we really need everything that we admire at Babies R Us? I know that those aren't all necessities. It's just hard to know--when you've never been a parent before--what all you'll need to take care of an infant. Some say you need a changing table, others tell us they never use one. What about those huge stroller systems. Do we need one of those, or is that just something that everybody gets? You should have seen Kyle and me trying to figure out how to work one of those things at Babies R Us. He laughed and said we looked like two monkeys exploring something new.
There's also advice. How do I really know which book is best? Is attachment parenting the way to go? What about natural childbirth? How do I know who to trust when it comes to advice about how to parent?
I think that this is just part of my personality. I constantly desire to be good at what I do. I'm one of those people who won't try things because I'm scared of failure or scared of not being good at something. I'm going to have quite a wake up call. This is going to be a learning experience for me. I can't expect to be the best at something that I've never done before. I think that in the end, Kyle and I will figure out what works for us. And he and I both have great sets of parents that are wonderful examples. Then on top of that, we have an amazing Father who is the ultimate example of a great parent. We'll just have to ultimately lean on that as our guide.
I've been thinking this week about having a baby boy and raising him to be a man. What a huge responsibility. It really kind of scares me to think that Kyle and I are going to be in charge of making sure this precious little baby becomes a man. There are so many qualities I want him to have, so many things that I pray for him about. I want him to love Jesus. I can't make him do that, Kyle and I can only lead by example. I want him to be a person of integrity. I want him to care deeply for people. I also want him to be independent and confident. The list goes on and on.
And then, on top of those thoughts, there are the decisions we have to make about items that we need. Do we really need everything that we admire at Babies R Us? I know that those aren't all necessities. It's just hard to know--when you've never been a parent before--what all you'll need to take care of an infant. Some say you need a changing table, others tell us they never use one. What about those huge stroller systems. Do we need one of those, or is that just something that everybody gets? You should have seen Kyle and me trying to figure out how to work one of those things at Babies R Us. He laughed and said we looked like two monkeys exploring something new.
There's also advice. How do I really know which book is best? Is attachment parenting the way to go? What about natural childbirth? How do I know who to trust when it comes to advice about how to parent?
I think that this is just part of my personality. I constantly desire to be good at what I do. I'm one of those people who won't try things because I'm scared of failure or scared of not being good at something. I'm going to have quite a wake up call. This is going to be a learning experience for me. I can't expect to be the best at something that I've never done before. I think that in the end, Kyle and I will figure out what works for us. And he and I both have great sets of parents that are wonderful examples. Then on top of that, we have an amazing Father who is the ultimate example of a great parent. We'll just have to ultimately lean on that as our guide.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
even if he doesn't
So, I'm feeling a little anxious. It probably has a lot to do with Kyle being out of town AGAIN and the a/c going out in my house. But, there are other issues too.
Last week, or maybe two weeks ago, I studied Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego during my Bible study. Now those guys have amazing faith. They truly believed that God could save them from the fiery furnace, but even if He didn't, then they were still going to believe and worship God Almighty. That's big faith.
Anyone out there who reads my blog regularly knows that there are things that have gone on in my life that make me wonder about faith, just like any normal person who faces challenges. I am really excited that my faith seems to be growing and increasing. I truly believe that's an answer to prayer. But that whole part from Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego--the line about "even if he doesn't"--that is overwhelmingly difficult for me to pray. But, I'm getting there. Even if he doesn't, I will still trust. Even if he doesn't, I will still be faithful. Even if he doesn't, I will still worship.
Last week, or maybe two weeks ago, I studied Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego during my Bible study. Now those guys have amazing faith. They truly believed that God could save them from the fiery furnace, but even if He didn't, then they were still going to believe and worship God Almighty. That's big faith.
Anyone out there who reads my blog regularly knows that there are things that have gone on in my life that make me wonder about faith, just like any normal person who faces challenges. I am really excited that my faith seems to be growing and increasing. I truly believe that's an answer to prayer. But that whole part from Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego--the line about "even if he doesn't"--that is overwhelmingly difficult for me to pray. But, I'm getting there. Even if he doesn't, I will still trust. Even if he doesn't, I will still be faithful. Even if he doesn't, I will still worship.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
offended
This morning I was doing my Bible study, and I read the passage Matthew 11:1-19. This is where John the Baptist sends some of his disciples (he's in prison) to ask Jesus if he really is the Son of God, the one who was prophesied about. Verse six specifically caught my attention during this study. I was reading NIV, but ESV has a good version of this verse, too. It says, "And blessed is the one who is not offended by me." My Bible study talked about the various meanings of the Greek word for offended. The one that applies to this verse is "to cause a person to begin to distrust and desert one whom he ought to trust and obey."
Okay, that first paragraph was really wordy, but now I'm just going to explain why that's so cool to me. I'm going to go through hard and difficult times--times that challenge my faith. This verse says blessed is the one that goes through those faith-challenging times and still continues to believe. That was pretty awesome for me to read today. God's not always going to answer my prayers the way that I want him to. Sometimes he says yes, and sometimes he says no. But through it all, I can continue to have faith in the one who sees the big picture, the one who sees my life-mission.
Okay, that first paragraph was really wordy, but now I'm just going to explain why that's so cool to me. I'm going to go through hard and difficult times--times that challenge my faith. This verse says blessed is the one that goes through those faith-challenging times and still continues to believe. That was pretty awesome for me to read today. God's not always going to answer my prayers the way that I want him to. Sometimes he says yes, and sometimes he says no. But through it all, I can continue to have faith in the one who sees the big picture, the one who sees my life-mission.
Friday, July 18, 2008
cry
I am constantly crying. I just started this Bible study about two to three weeks ago, and every time I pray I cry. Every time I read scripture I cry. Every time I read something sentimental I cry.
God knows my tears. Psalm 126:5 says, "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." I can't help but think my song of joy is coming. I think God is softening my heart so I can be used by Him. I'm so thankful that I see a change in myself. I'm so thankful that I'm seeing less of myself and more of my Jesus.
God knows my tears. Psalm 126:5 says, "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." I can't help but think my song of joy is coming. I think God is softening my heart so I can be used by Him. I'm so thankful that I see a change in myself. I'm so thankful that I'm seeing less of myself and more of my Jesus.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
hair
I think I want a haircut. I always say that, but I never actually follow through and get it cut short. But I really think I want to cut it off this time. Except I didn't put it in the budget this month. So it might have to wait until the first of August. I'm pretty sure it's coming off though.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
pb
So, I should no longer buy peanut butter. I LOVE peanut butter. I can eat spoonful after spoonful and not think twice, except an hour later when I'm thinking, "Why did I eat that?" It's just good stuff. And no, I did not eat a whole jar. I just ate about 2 tablespoons. And also half a pb and j. And also three pb crackers. But that's all of the peanut butter that I ate-yesterday.
On another note, I had someone remind me-quite selflessly, I might add-that had it not been for a certain friend, then I never would have met my husband who has brought me so much joy (see previous blog). So, Kelli Burks, thanks for introducing me to Kyle Walker. I don't know how you knew (she told me-honestly-"If you meet him, you'll marry him."), but you obviously saw something that could be, and is, wonderful. Thank you, friend. You changed my life with your friendship but also with your "meddling". =) I love you!
On another note, I had someone remind me-quite selflessly, I might add-that had it not been for a certain friend, then I never would have met my husband who has brought me so much joy (see previous blog). So, Kelli Burks, thanks for introducing me to Kyle Walker. I don't know how you knew (she told me-honestly-"If you meet him, you'll marry him."), but you obviously saw something that could be, and is, wonderful. Thank you, friend. You changed my life with your friendship but also with your "meddling". =) I love you!
Sunday, June 22, 2008
yesterday
Yesterday was my fifth anniversary of being married to a wonderful man. God has truly blessed me with a husband that is compassionate, faithful, humble, kind, loving, intelligent, and good looking. (I'm sure Kyle would be disappointed if I didn't also mention that he is very strong and very fast.) Kyle is incredible. He truly cares about others and wants people to feel important and special. You can so easily see Christ in him. It's obvious that he is seeking God's heart for his life and his ministry. He makes me want to be more like Jesus. I am so proud to be his wife. Kyle is an amazing husband and man. I loved him immensely on our wedding day, but my love for him has deepened so much since then.
So, Kyle Walker, I love you. You are the man that God knew I needed to be with. You bring joy to my life. I am so glad that God has let me participate in ministry with you. I am so thankful that God has let me do life with you. Though life around us has seemed to crumble at times, my relationship with you has been steady. You have been my best friend. You have loved me at times when I'm sure I've been hard to love. I love you so much, Kyle. I can't wait to see what the future holds, known and unknown. I am so blessed to be married to you.
So, Kyle Walker, I love you. You are the man that God knew I needed to be with. You bring joy to my life. I am so glad that God has let me participate in ministry with you. I am so thankful that God has let me do life with you. Though life around us has seemed to crumble at times, my relationship with you has been steady. You have been my best friend. You have loved me at times when I'm sure I've been hard to love. I love you so much, Kyle. I can't wait to see what the future holds, known and unknown. I am so blessed to be married to you.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
one more thing
My family is going to the beach this week (woo hoo!), and we always play family games. Anyone have any suggestions?
confession
I actually really like Jessica Simpson's new country single "Come On Over." I know, I know, it must be a guilty pleasure. Don't hate me because of my music choices, please. I promise I have more sophisticated taste, too. We'll just say I have rather diverse preferences in music.
That's all.
That's all.
Monday, June 9, 2008
a few insignificant thoughts
One-Summer school starts for students tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. I received a phone call on Friday saying that there weren't as many students registered as they had expected, so we were told we might be losing teachers. I was not too nervous about it because I think I would be happy either way. We ended up only losing one teacher on our grade level. Summer school is going to be a little more work than I expected, but I always enjoy a new challenge. I'm looking forward to seeing how much growth we can achieve in such a short amount of time. I love seeing growth that children make in a classroom. It's so incredibly amazing.
Two-Kyle and I watched Nashville Star tonight. We've never watched it before. There was actually a girl on the show that we knew from Pantego Bible Church. She was one of the best contestants, so that was pretty exciting.
Another thing-I can't believe these gas prices!! I'm so glad that we've budgeted for gas for our trips this summer. And I'm so incredibly thankful I drive a Civic. I love my car, but I love it now more than ever. Thirty-eight miles per gallon has never been so good.
Finally-I would love to be in great shape, but I never want to be a female body builder. It just doesn't appeal to me. Thankfully I don't think my husband wants me to look that way either.
Two-Kyle and I watched Nashville Star tonight. We've never watched it before. There was actually a girl on the show that we knew from Pantego Bible Church. She was one of the best contestants, so that was pretty exciting.
Another thing-I can't believe these gas prices!! I'm so glad that we've budgeted for gas for our trips this summer. And I'm so incredibly thankful I drive a Civic. I love my car, but I love it now more than ever. Thirty-eight miles per gallon has never been so good.
Finally-I would love to be in great shape, but I never want to be a female body builder. It just doesn't appeal to me. Thankfully I don't think my husband wants me to look that way either.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
sometimes
Sometimes I can't help but think that I'm supposed to have a baby right now. I should have a baby with us when we go out to eat. When my cousin and her husband visit they should be playing with the baby. This vacation we should be taking the baby with us. For some reason it didn't happen, though. We may never know why.
I mentioned this to Kyle today. He said he just tries to suppress those feelings. I've definitely gotten better, but there are some days when I still have these types of thoughts. I think it would be wrong for me to completely forget about it. It would be like the baby never happened or mattered. I do think it's helped my mental clarity to take some time off from "trying." I'm not at the point where I feel like I can completely say I'm content with knowing that we may never have children of our own, but I think I'm getting there.
On another note, we leave for vacation in less than a week!! I'm so excited about spending time with my family. These beach trips are some of my favorite childhood memories, so I'm really excited to add more wonderful family times to my long list of great memories.
That's all for tonight. No incredibly deep thoughts. Just ramblings about my mental status. I'm sure it's just thrilling to read about...
I mentioned this to Kyle today. He said he just tries to suppress those feelings. I've definitely gotten better, but there are some days when I still have these types of thoughts. I think it would be wrong for me to completely forget about it. It would be like the baby never happened or mattered. I do think it's helped my mental clarity to take some time off from "trying." I'm not at the point where I feel like I can completely say I'm content with knowing that we may never have children of our own, but I think I'm getting there.
On another note, we leave for vacation in less than a week!! I'm so excited about spending time with my family. These beach trips are some of my favorite childhood memories, so I'm really excited to add more wonderful family times to my long list of great memories.
That's all for tonight. No incredibly deep thoughts. Just ramblings about my mental status. I'm sure it's just thrilling to read about...
Friday, May 30, 2008
thankful
Well, someone out there must have prayed for me, because my hives have cleared up for the first time in about two weeks. I am so thankful for that. Thank you for your prayers.
I was thinking that I have truly lacked a spirit of thankfulness lately. So, I decided to do something about it. I think blogging helps me collect my thoughts, rambling as they may be. I will list some of the incredible things in my life that constantly remind me how blessed I am.
I'm thankful for...
~my husband, who is one of the most selfless people I know. Our marriage works because of who he is and because Christ is in him.
~my job. As frustrating as some days can be, at the end of the year I'm always reminded that I honestly LOVE what I do.
~my family, by blood and by marriage. I cannot begin to tell you how blessed I am with an incredible support system, not just my parents and family but my husband's parents and family as well. I am overwhelmed by the love I feel from all of them.
~my puppies. They make me laugh.
~the ability to read and my library card. I love escaping in a great book.
~people who see the real me. I'm learning that there aren't many people out there who really and truly know me, so I'm so thankful when someone finally gets me.
~beautiful Texas sunsets.
~gorgeous Alabama landscapes.
~elementary school programs. Everyone should go when they don't have a child in the performance. Find the kid that dances his heart out and watch him the whole time. You can't help but laugh and travel back to days that were carefree.
~relaxing days at the beach. (Only two weeks away from my vacation!!!)
~a God who is patient with me, even when I don't understand Him and His ways.
~laughter.
~Cherry Coke Zero. My absolute favorite drink. I could drink gallons of it. I know--I'm incredibly healthy.
~my cousin Jennifer, the sister I never had. She's amazing.
~music. Can't get enough.
~ice cream. It would be an absolute travesty if I didn't mention this one.
~hope.
Alright. Hope that wasn't too terribly cheesy. I think it's good for me to reflect on the good things, well, the great things, in my life. I'm sure that this in not a complete list. Feel free to suggest more. I just know that I really need to shower right now since I went running tonight. Ooh, that's another thing to be thankful for--running water!
I was thinking that I have truly lacked a spirit of thankfulness lately. So, I decided to do something about it. I think blogging helps me collect my thoughts, rambling as they may be. I will list some of the incredible things in my life that constantly remind me how blessed I am.
I'm thankful for...
~my husband, who is one of the most selfless people I know. Our marriage works because of who he is and because Christ is in him.
~my job. As frustrating as some days can be, at the end of the year I'm always reminded that I honestly LOVE what I do.
~my family, by blood and by marriage. I cannot begin to tell you how blessed I am with an incredible support system, not just my parents and family but my husband's parents and family as well. I am overwhelmed by the love I feel from all of them.
~my puppies. They make me laugh.
~the ability to read and my library card. I love escaping in a great book.
~people who see the real me. I'm learning that there aren't many people out there who really and truly know me, so I'm so thankful when someone finally gets me.
~beautiful Texas sunsets.
~gorgeous Alabama landscapes.
~elementary school programs. Everyone should go when they don't have a child in the performance. Find the kid that dances his heart out and watch him the whole time. You can't help but laugh and travel back to days that were carefree.
~relaxing days at the beach. (Only two weeks away from my vacation!!!)
~a God who is patient with me, even when I don't understand Him and His ways.
~laughter.
~Cherry Coke Zero. My absolute favorite drink. I could drink gallons of it. I know--I'm incredibly healthy.
~my cousin Jennifer, the sister I never had. She's amazing.
~music. Can't get enough.
~ice cream. It would be an absolute travesty if I didn't mention this one.
~hope.
Alright. Hope that wasn't too terribly cheesy. I think it's good for me to reflect on the good things, well, the great things, in my life. I'm sure that this in not a complete list. Feel free to suggest more. I just know that I really need to shower right now since I went running tonight. Ooh, that's another thing to be thankful for--running water!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
hives
I am so sick of having hives. I don't know why I have them. I am taking all sorts of medicines to help them go away, and there is no hope in sight. I don't like taking so many meds. Ugh. The allergist has no answers, and I don't know what to do from here.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
drama
I'm not a big fan of drama. I don't think that feelings are trustworthy, and I try not to make decisions based on emotions. Lately I have felt like I'm full of drama. I cry too easily, I get sad too easily. I'm just ready to not feel like that anymore.
Kyle and I had a long talk last night about me. He is such a good man, especially since he can put up with--and supposedly enjoy--life with me. I don't think I'm being the wife I need to be. He says I'm too hard on myself. I battle with pride, doubt, hopelessness. I am not a good person. Fortunately I have a God that makes me who I need to be. I just need to depend on Him more than I depend on myself.
I just need some stability for myself right now. I need some mental clarity.
Kyle and I had a long talk last night about me. He is such a good man, especially since he can put up with--and supposedly enjoy--life with me. I don't think I'm being the wife I need to be. He says I'm too hard on myself. I battle with pride, doubt, hopelessness. I am not a good person. Fortunately I have a God that makes me who I need to be. I just need to depend on Him more than I depend on myself.
I just need some stability for myself right now. I need some mental clarity.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Mother's Day
It has been far too long since I blogged. I'll try to do better.
Sunday, of course, was Mother's Day. I always knew that it would be a difficult day, but I hoped that since I was going to be in Birmingham with family it would be easier. I was flooded with various emotions.
We went to my parents' church. I had contemplated what I would do leading up to the event that occurs every Mother's Day--the recognition of all moms in the room. Kyle and I had discussed whether or not I should stand. I know in my heart that I am a mother, but I don't have a child here on earth to display. I also didn't want to give the impression that I was pregnant, because I'm not. This Sunday, though, the mother recognition was preceded by baby dedication. I was not expecting this.
Parents lined the stage and overflowed to the floor with their babies dressed in Sunday best. They were flanked on each side by siblings of the baby. The preschool minister introduced each family and baby, stated the meaning of the baby's name, and recited a companion scripture to the name meaning. I wanted so desperately to enjoy the moment and laugh with the rest of the congregation at the antics of a few babies and preschoolers. I couldn't though. I broke down in tears. And the thoughts that kept running through my head related to keeping my composure since we hadn't had the greeting yet. I didn't want anyone to feel awkward shaking the hand of a woman with red-rimmed eyes and a nose reddened by crying.
When it came time for mothers to stand, I sat. Part of me feels ashamed for sitting there and not standing--not acknowledging the baby that Kyle and I lost. I later explained to Kyle that motherhood seemed like a club that I desperately wanted to join, but I didn't meet all of the qualifications.
Later at my parents' house, before we left to return to Texas, I wished both of my grandmothers a happy Mother's Day. My mother's mother (who can be a little overwhelming and difficult at times) hugged my neck fiercely and told me happy Mother's Day. She told me that my two babies count just as much. She is the first person and the only person to ever wish me a happy Mother's Day. And surprisingly, it felt good to hear it.
I struggle with how to deal with the emotions that I feel. I honestly long to weep and not feel ashamed at my tears, but there never seems to be an appropriate time. Whenever I do get teary, I fight it down. Even as I write this I yearn to openly cry, and I don't mean with gentle tears rolling down my face. I mean the type of cry with heaving sobs. But I haven't let myself do that in a while. It always just feels like this pressure in my chest waiting for the opportunity to be released. And I still suppress it.
The challenge I face is knowing when to move on. I still don't know if it's okay to cry and weep for that which I lost, or if I should be over that by now. I don't know if it's okay to long desperately for a child which continues to be out of my grasp. When do I stop being sad? When do I start feeling like normal? Maybe I'll never get to that point again. Maybe now I'm a member of a club that not many women want to be a part of.
So, this post is in honor of all the women who long to stand with the other mother's at church. This post is in honor of the women who weep tears of sadness during baby dedication. Happy Mother's Day to you (even though it's two days late). We are tightly knitted together by the ache in our hearts for the children we've never met.
And yet I know, my God is good. He loves me. He is faithful and merciful. I call on Him and He delivers me from all my fear.
Sunday, of course, was Mother's Day. I always knew that it would be a difficult day, but I hoped that since I was going to be in Birmingham with family it would be easier. I was flooded with various emotions.
We went to my parents' church. I had contemplated what I would do leading up to the event that occurs every Mother's Day--the recognition of all moms in the room. Kyle and I had discussed whether or not I should stand. I know in my heart that I am a mother, but I don't have a child here on earth to display. I also didn't want to give the impression that I was pregnant, because I'm not. This Sunday, though, the mother recognition was preceded by baby dedication. I was not expecting this.
Parents lined the stage and overflowed to the floor with their babies dressed in Sunday best. They were flanked on each side by siblings of the baby. The preschool minister introduced each family and baby, stated the meaning of the baby's name, and recited a companion scripture to the name meaning. I wanted so desperately to enjoy the moment and laugh with the rest of the congregation at the antics of a few babies and preschoolers. I couldn't though. I broke down in tears. And the thoughts that kept running through my head related to keeping my composure since we hadn't had the greeting yet. I didn't want anyone to feel awkward shaking the hand of a woman with red-rimmed eyes and a nose reddened by crying.
When it came time for mothers to stand, I sat. Part of me feels ashamed for sitting there and not standing--not acknowledging the baby that Kyle and I lost. I later explained to Kyle that motherhood seemed like a club that I desperately wanted to join, but I didn't meet all of the qualifications.
Later at my parents' house, before we left to return to Texas, I wished both of my grandmothers a happy Mother's Day. My mother's mother (who can be a little overwhelming and difficult at times) hugged my neck fiercely and told me happy Mother's Day. She told me that my two babies count just as much. She is the first person and the only person to ever wish me a happy Mother's Day. And surprisingly, it felt good to hear it.
I struggle with how to deal with the emotions that I feel. I honestly long to weep and not feel ashamed at my tears, but there never seems to be an appropriate time. Whenever I do get teary, I fight it down. Even as I write this I yearn to openly cry, and I don't mean with gentle tears rolling down my face. I mean the type of cry with heaving sobs. But I haven't let myself do that in a while. It always just feels like this pressure in my chest waiting for the opportunity to be released. And I still suppress it.
The challenge I face is knowing when to move on. I still don't know if it's okay to cry and weep for that which I lost, or if I should be over that by now. I don't know if it's okay to long desperately for a child which continues to be out of my grasp. When do I stop being sad? When do I start feeling like normal? Maybe I'll never get to that point again. Maybe now I'm a member of a club that not many women want to be a part of.
So, this post is in honor of all the women who long to stand with the other mother's at church. This post is in honor of the women who weep tears of sadness during baby dedication. Happy Mother's Day to you (even though it's two days late). We are tightly knitted together by the ache in our hearts for the children we've never met.
And yet I know, my God is good. He loves me. He is faithful and merciful. I call on Him and He delivers me from all my fear.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
only me
Sometimes I think that my problems get so big that they are all that I can see. I try to listen and help others. I try to see others' perspectives, but I always end up focusing on myself. I don't like that. It shouldn't be all about me.
Ryan and Kelli Bishop, some dear friends of ours, just got back from a mission trip to Africa. I was able to talk to Kelli on the phone yesterday, and she told me a little about what went on. I was reminded through our conversation how blessed I truly am--not just to live in America--but to have a house, food on the table and in the fridge, clean water, and a husband who loves me. The list of blessings could go on for days. I should even be thankful that Kyle and I were able to write the check to pay the IRS. Isn't it great that God has blessed us so much that we are able to write a check to the government? I know that sounds sarcastic, but I don't mean it to be. God has richly blessed us.
I guess that sometimes God gives me a little reminder to get me out of the muck and mire. That's what His Word says, right? He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
I want to live like Jesus. I want to imitate Him. Instead of seeing only my problems and my issues, I want to be able to see things the way that He sees them. I read Ephesians 5:1-2 today. The very first part of those verses says to be imitators of God. I know that He did not intend for me to live life looking only at myself. I know that He wants me to look at others and their needs. I know that He wants me to love others more than myself. That is so very hard to do sometimes, especially when I feel like my muck and mire is justified.
But, even my muck and mire is better than what I deserve. I have a God that loves me. The creator of the universe, the conductor of the breezes and winds, the painter of the sunsets, the architect of the mountains and valleys chooses to have a relationship with me. That is so much more than what I deserve. That is all I need. He sustains me.
Ryan and Kelli Bishop, some dear friends of ours, just got back from a mission trip to Africa. I was able to talk to Kelli on the phone yesterday, and she told me a little about what went on. I was reminded through our conversation how blessed I truly am--not just to live in America--but to have a house, food on the table and in the fridge, clean water, and a husband who loves me. The list of blessings could go on for days. I should even be thankful that Kyle and I were able to write the check to pay the IRS. Isn't it great that God has blessed us so much that we are able to write a check to the government? I know that sounds sarcastic, but I don't mean it to be. God has richly blessed us.
I guess that sometimes God gives me a little reminder to get me out of the muck and mire. That's what His Word says, right? He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
I want to live like Jesus. I want to imitate Him. Instead of seeing only my problems and my issues, I want to be able to see things the way that He sees them. I read Ephesians 5:1-2 today. The very first part of those verses says to be imitators of God. I know that He did not intend for me to live life looking only at myself. I know that He wants me to look at others and their needs. I know that He wants me to love others more than myself. That is so very hard to do sometimes, especially when I feel like my muck and mire is justified.
But, even my muck and mire is better than what I deserve. I have a God that loves me. The creator of the universe, the conductor of the breezes and winds, the painter of the sunsets, the architect of the mountains and valleys chooses to have a relationship with me. That is so much more than what I deserve. That is all I need. He sustains me.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
bad day
I had a bad day yesterday. There were some issues going on that just made yesterday hard to handle. Too hard. It was the first time I've really let myself say out loud, "It's just not fair." It was the first time that I actually felt like the load was too much to bear. It was one of the hardest days I've had in a long, long time.
The thing is, I know that life is not fair. I know that I already have more than I deserve. I'm so very thankful for my husband. He is such a blessing in my life.
So if you happen to stumble across my blog today or tomorrow or any time in the next few days, please pray for me. I need peace and comfort in a pretty big way right now. I don't want answers because I know I won't get them. I just need peace.
The thing is, I know that life is not fair. I know that I already have more than I deserve. I'm so very thankful for my husband. He is such a blessing in my life.
So if you happen to stumble across my blog today or tomorrow or any time in the next few days, please pray for me. I need peace and comfort in a pretty big way right now. I don't want answers because I know I won't get them. I just need peace.
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