Well, someone out there must have prayed for me, because my hives have cleared up for the first time in about two weeks. I am so thankful for that. Thank you for your prayers.
I was thinking that I have truly lacked a spirit of thankfulness lately. So, I decided to do something about it. I think blogging helps me collect my thoughts, rambling as they may be. I will list some of the incredible things in my life that constantly remind me how blessed I am.
I'm thankful for...
~my husband, who is one of the most selfless people I know. Our marriage works because of who he is and because Christ is in him.
~my job. As frustrating as some days can be, at the end of the year I'm always reminded that I honestly LOVE what I do.
~my family, by blood and by marriage. I cannot begin to tell you how blessed I am with an incredible support system, not just my parents and family but my husband's parents and family as well. I am overwhelmed by the love I feel from all of them.
~my puppies. They make me laugh.
~the ability to read and my library card. I love escaping in a great book.
~people who see the real me. I'm learning that there aren't many people out there who really and truly know me, so I'm so thankful when someone finally gets me.
~beautiful Texas sunsets.
~gorgeous Alabama landscapes.
~elementary school programs. Everyone should go when they don't have a child in the performance. Find the kid that dances his heart out and watch him the whole time. You can't help but laugh and travel back to days that were carefree.
~relaxing days at the beach. (Only two weeks away from my vacation!!!)
~a God who is patient with me, even when I don't understand Him and His ways.
~laughter.
~Cherry Coke Zero. My absolute favorite drink. I could drink gallons of it. I know--I'm incredibly healthy.
~my cousin Jennifer, the sister I never had. She's amazing.
~music. Can't get enough.
~ice cream. It would be an absolute travesty if I didn't mention this one.
~hope.
Alright. Hope that wasn't too terribly cheesy. I think it's good for me to reflect on the good things, well, the great things, in my life. I'm sure that this in not a complete list. Feel free to suggest more. I just know that I really need to shower right now since I went running tonight. Ooh, that's another thing to be thankful for--running water!
Friday, May 30, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
hives
I am so sick of having hives. I don't know why I have them. I am taking all sorts of medicines to help them go away, and there is no hope in sight. I don't like taking so many meds. Ugh. The allergist has no answers, and I don't know what to do from here.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
drama
I'm not a big fan of drama. I don't think that feelings are trustworthy, and I try not to make decisions based on emotions. Lately I have felt like I'm full of drama. I cry too easily, I get sad too easily. I'm just ready to not feel like that anymore.
Kyle and I had a long talk last night about me. He is such a good man, especially since he can put up with--and supposedly enjoy--life with me. I don't think I'm being the wife I need to be. He says I'm too hard on myself. I battle with pride, doubt, hopelessness. I am not a good person. Fortunately I have a God that makes me who I need to be. I just need to depend on Him more than I depend on myself.
I just need some stability for myself right now. I need some mental clarity.
Kyle and I had a long talk last night about me. He is such a good man, especially since he can put up with--and supposedly enjoy--life with me. I don't think I'm being the wife I need to be. He says I'm too hard on myself. I battle with pride, doubt, hopelessness. I am not a good person. Fortunately I have a God that makes me who I need to be. I just need to depend on Him more than I depend on myself.
I just need some stability for myself right now. I need some mental clarity.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Mother's Day
It has been far too long since I blogged. I'll try to do better.
Sunday, of course, was Mother's Day. I always knew that it would be a difficult day, but I hoped that since I was going to be in Birmingham with family it would be easier. I was flooded with various emotions.
We went to my parents' church. I had contemplated what I would do leading up to the event that occurs every Mother's Day--the recognition of all moms in the room. Kyle and I had discussed whether or not I should stand. I know in my heart that I am a mother, but I don't have a child here on earth to display. I also didn't want to give the impression that I was pregnant, because I'm not. This Sunday, though, the mother recognition was preceded by baby dedication. I was not expecting this.
Parents lined the stage and overflowed to the floor with their babies dressed in Sunday best. They were flanked on each side by siblings of the baby. The preschool minister introduced each family and baby, stated the meaning of the baby's name, and recited a companion scripture to the name meaning. I wanted so desperately to enjoy the moment and laugh with the rest of the congregation at the antics of a few babies and preschoolers. I couldn't though. I broke down in tears. And the thoughts that kept running through my head related to keeping my composure since we hadn't had the greeting yet. I didn't want anyone to feel awkward shaking the hand of a woman with red-rimmed eyes and a nose reddened by crying.
When it came time for mothers to stand, I sat. Part of me feels ashamed for sitting there and not standing--not acknowledging the baby that Kyle and I lost. I later explained to Kyle that motherhood seemed like a club that I desperately wanted to join, but I didn't meet all of the qualifications.
Later at my parents' house, before we left to return to Texas, I wished both of my grandmothers a happy Mother's Day. My mother's mother (who can be a little overwhelming and difficult at times) hugged my neck fiercely and told me happy Mother's Day. She told me that my two babies count just as much. She is the first person and the only person to ever wish me a happy Mother's Day. And surprisingly, it felt good to hear it.
I struggle with how to deal with the emotions that I feel. I honestly long to weep and not feel ashamed at my tears, but there never seems to be an appropriate time. Whenever I do get teary, I fight it down. Even as I write this I yearn to openly cry, and I don't mean with gentle tears rolling down my face. I mean the type of cry with heaving sobs. But I haven't let myself do that in a while. It always just feels like this pressure in my chest waiting for the opportunity to be released. And I still suppress it.
The challenge I face is knowing when to move on. I still don't know if it's okay to cry and weep for that which I lost, or if I should be over that by now. I don't know if it's okay to long desperately for a child which continues to be out of my grasp. When do I stop being sad? When do I start feeling like normal? Maybe I'll never get to that point again. Maybe now I'm a member of a club that not many women want to be a part of.
So, this post is in honor of all the women who long to stand with the other mother's at church. This post is in honor of the women who weep tears of sadness during baby dedication. Happy Mother's Day to you (even though it's two days late). We are tightly knitted together by the ache in our hearts for the children we've never met.
And yet I know, my God is good. He loves me. He is faithful and merciful. I call on Him and He delivers me from all my fear.
Sunday, of course, was Mother's Day. I always knew that it would be a difficult day, but I hoped that since I was going to be in Birmingham with family it would be easier. I was flooded with various emotions.
We went to my parents' church. I had contemplated what I would do leading up to the event that occurs every Mother's Day--the recognition of all moms in the room. Kyle and I had discussed whether or not I should stand. I know in my heart that I am a mother, but I don't have a child here on earth to display. I also didn't want to give the impression that I was pregnant, because I'm not. This Sunday, though, the mother recognition was preceded by baby dedication. I was not expecting this.
Parents lined the stage and overflowed to the floor with their babies dressed in Sunday best. They were flanked on each side by siblings of the baby. The preschool minister introduced each family and baby, stated the meaning of the baby's name, and recited a companion scripture to the name meaning. I wanted so desperately to enjoy the moment and laugh with the rest of the congregation at the antics of a few babies and preschoolers. I couldn't though. I broke down in tears. And the thoughts that kept running through my head related to keeping my composure since we hadn't had the greeting yet. I didn't want anyone to feel awkward shaking the hand of a woman with red-rimmed eyes and a nose reddened by crying.
When it came time for mothers to stand, I sat. Part of me feels ashamed for sitting there and not standing--not acknowledging the baby that Kyle and I lost. I later explained to Kyle that motherhood seemed like a club that I desperately wanted to join, but I didn't meet all of the qualifications.
Later at my parents' house, before we left to return to Texas, I wished both of my grandmothers a happy Mother's Day. My mother's mother (who can be a little overwhelming and difficult at times) hugged my neck fiercely and told me happy Mother's Day. She told me that my two babies count just as much. She is the first person and the only person to ever wish me a happy Mother's Day. And surprisingly, it felt good to hear it.
I struggle with how to deal with the emotions that I feel. I honestly long to weep and not feel ashamed at my tears, but there never seems to be an appropriate time. Whenever I do get teary, I fight it down. Even as I write this I yearn to openly cry, and I don't mean with gentle tears rolling down my face. I mean the type of cry with heaving sobs. But I haven't let myself do that in a while. It always just feels like this pressure in my chest waiting for the opportunity to be released. And I still suppress it.
The challenge I face is knowing when to move on. I still don't know if it's okay to cry and weep for that which I lost, or if I should be over that by now. I don't know if it's okay to long desperately for a child which continues to be out of my grasp. When do I stop being sad? When do I start feeling like normal? Maybe I'll never get to that point again. Maybe now I'm a member of a club that not many women want to be a part of.
So, this post is in honor of all the women who long to stand with the other mother's at church. This post is in honor of the women who weep tears of sadness during baby dedication. Happy Mother's Day to you (even though it's two days late). We are tightly knitted together by the ache in our hearts for the children we've never met.
And yet I know, my God is good. He loves me. He is faithful and merciful. I call on Him and He delivers me from all my fear.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
only me
Sometimes I think that my problems get so big that they are all that I can see. I try to listen and help others. I try to see others' perspectives, but I always end up focusing on myself. I don't like that. It shouldn't be all about me.
Ryan and Kelli Bishop, some dear friends of ours, just got back from a mission trip to Africa. I was able to talk to Kelli on the phone yesterday, and she told me a little about what went on. I was reminded through our conversation how blessed I truly am--not just to live in America--but to have a house, food on the table and in the fridge, clean water, and a husband who loves me. The list of blessings could go on for days. I should even be thankful that Kyle and I were able to write the check to pay the IRS. Isn't it great that God has blessed us so much that we are able to write a check to the government? I know that sounds sarcastic, but I don't mean it to be. God has richly blessed us.
I guess that sometimes God gives me a little reminder to get me out of the muck and mire. That's what His Word says, right? He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
I want to live like Jesus. I want to imitate Him. Instead of seeing only my problems and my issues, I want to be able to see things the way that He sees them. I read Ephesians 5:1-2 today. The very first part of those verses says to be imitators of God. I know that He did not intend for me to live life looking only at myself. I know that He wants me to look at others and their needs. I know that He wants me to love others more than myself. That is so very hard to do sometimes, especially when I feel like my muck and mire is justified.
But, even my muck and mire is better than what I deserve. I have a God that loves me. The creator of the universe, the conductor of the breezes and winds, the painter of the sunsets, the architect of the mountains and valleys chooses to have a relationship with me. That is so much more than what I deserve. That is all I need. He sustains me.
Ryan and Kelli Bishop, some dear friends of ours, just got back from a mission trip to Africa. I was able to talk to Kelli on the phone yesterday, and she told me a little about what went on. I was reminded through our conversation how blessed I truly am--not just to live in America--but to have a house, food on the table and in the fridge, clean water, and a husband who loves me. The list of blessings could go on for days. I should even be thankful that Kyle and I were able to write the check to pay the IRS. Isn't it great that God has blessed us so much that we are able to write a check to the government? I know that sounds sarcastic, but I don't mean it to be. God has richly blessed us.
I guess that sometimes God gives me a little reminder to get me out of the muck and mire. That's what His Word says, right? He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
I want to live like Jesus. I want to imitate Him. Instead of seeing only my problems and my issues, I want to be able to see things the way that He sees them. I read Ephesians 5:1-2 today. The very first part of those verses says to be imitators of God. I know that He did not intend for me to live life looking only at myself. I know that He wants me to look at others and their needs. I know that He wants me to love others more than myself. That is so very hard to do sometimes, especially when I feel like my muck and mire is justified.
But, even my muck and mire is better than what I deserve. I have a God that loves me. The creator of the universe, the conductor of the breezes and winds, the painter of the sunsets, the architect of the mountains and valleys chooses to have a relationship with me. That is so much more than what I deserve. That is all I need. He sustains me.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
bad day
I had a bad day yesterday. There were some issues going on that just made yesterday hard to handle. Too hard. It was the first time I've really let myself say out loud, "It's just not fair." It was the first time that I actually felt like the load was too much to bear. It was one of the hardest days I've had in a long, long time.
The thing is, I know that life is not fair. I know that I already have more than I deserve. I'm so very thankful for my husband. He is such a blessing in my life.
So if you happen to stumble across my blog today or tomorrow or any time in the next few days, please pray for me. I need peace and comfort in a pretty big way right now. I don't want answers because I know I won't get them. I just need peace.
The thing is, I know that life is not fair. I know that I already have more than I deserve. I'm so very thankful for my husband. He is such a blessing in my life.
So if you happen to stumble across my blog today or tomorrow or any time in the next few days, please pray for me. I need peace and comfort in a pretty big way right now. I don't want answers because I know I won't get them. I just need peace.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
due date
Today's the day.
My friend Jennifer is here, so that is keeping me busy and keeping my mind off of it. But it's always there in the back of my mind, something that will never go away. I did cry last night. I was alone in my car picking up a pizza and remembered that the day before the D and C we had picked up a pizza from Mama's. Now the night before my due date I was picking up a pizza from the same place. It's weird how little things like that will have an effect on you.
However, God is good. He knows my heart. He loves me; I am His child. I'm reminded right now of the verses in Matthew and Luke that talk about how an earthly father wouldn't give his child a stone if he asked for bread or a snake if he asked for fish, so how much more our heavenly Father knows how to give us good gifts, the Holy Spirit. Having the presence of God with me all the time is an incredible, priceless gift. So even when the sky is gray and storm clouds are building, I have my God. Even when the damage left by the storm is severe, I have my God. Even when the damage seems unrepairable, that's right, I have my God.
He will never leave me or forsake me. He is with me always. I hope that you, reader of this blog, know this God that never abandons. I hope that you have met this Savior that is the source of hope. I hope that you will know the love of a Heavenly Father that is greater than any love you will ever give or receive from someone on this earth.
Sometimes the best thing I can do is give up on trying to put the pieces back together. I'll let the Creator of the puzzle do that.
My friend Jennifer is here, so that is keeping me busy and keeping my mind off of it. But it's always there in the back of my mind, something that will never go away. I did cry last night. I was alone in my car picking up a pizza and remembered that the day before the D and C we had picked up a pizza from Mama's. Now the night before my due date I was picking up a pizza from the same place. It's weird how little things like that will have an effect on you.
However, God is good. He knows my heart. He loves me; I am His child. I'm reminded right now of the verses in Matthew and Luke that talk about how an earthly father wouldn't give his child a stone if he asked for bread or a snake if he asked for fish, so how much more our heavenly Father knows how to give us good gifts, the Holy Spirit. Having the presence of God with me all the time is an incredible, priceless gift. So even when the sky is gray and storm clouds are building, I have my God. Even when the damage left by the storm is severe, I have my God. Even when the damage seems unrepairable, that's right, I have my God.
He will never leave me or forsake me. He is with me always. I hope that you, reader of this blog, know this God that never abandons. I hope that you have met this Savior that is the source of hope. I hope that you will know the love of a Heavenly Father that is greater than any love you will ever give or receive from someone on this earth.
Sometimes the best thing I can do is give up on trying to put the pieces back together. I'll let the Creator of the puzzle do that.
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