Time

It has been a hard couple of months. Of course the miscarriage has been hard. That was at the end of September. I can't believe it's almost been three months now. Sometimes it feels as if time is just creeping by, and other times I wonder where it went. A friend of ours from Florida was killed in a car accident two weeks ago now. Kyle flew down for the funeral. And then Kyle's grandfather figure, Earl, passed away one week ago. Kyle went to George's funeral last Monday, and then we went to Earl's funeral on Friday. On Saturday we had a wedding. We've had some major highs and lows in the past few months.

My emotions these days are far from steady. I've always been a pretty sensitive person, but the past couple of months tears have flown freely in my house. My aunt has told me that tears are cleansing, and I believe her. It's been good to cry. Sometimes it's frustrating because I just want to be "myself" again, but I know that tears are good for me. I think that I'm beginning to realize, though, that I will probably never go back to being as innocent as I was before the miscarriage. I guess that struggles do that to you. Just like rain and storms eat away at the walls of a canyon, carving a beautiful path to explore, trials and difficult circumstances help shape me into the person that God wants me to be. Even though my emotions and feelings are far from dependable, my God is very dependable and steady. He doesn't change, and during times like these, that's pretty important.

Right now I'm wondering about God's timing. I don't know how it works. I don't need to know, but I still wonder. With the pregnancy, everything seemed to be perfect timing. Right now I can't help but think that if I got pregnant this month, that it would be the worst possible timing. But then I think that if I didn't get pregnant that I would be disappointed. I guess it's good that I'm not in control. That's not something that I always want to willingly relinquish. Sure, I say that I'm glad that I don't have the power to control things, but I think that at times I really do question whether God's timing really is better than my own. Of course, I know it is. I know that He sees the big picture. It's just hard to always feel like God's timing is perfect. I guess that's why feelings are not trustworthy.

I'm ready for this year to be over. I don't want to forget the pain, though. It reminds me that one day there will be no more pain. That sounds like a completely obvious statement. What I mean is that it gives me something to look forward to even more. One day, I'll be able to glorify my Father in heaven. There will be no more loss. That's definitely hopeful. I'm not a "mystical" thinker. I like knowing things and having faith. I like having faith that there is a God and that He sent His son Jesus to earth. I like having faith that the Holy Spirit is guiding me and directing me. But sometimes I get a little uncomfortable with some of the mysteriousness of faith, especially the whole heaven part. It's always weird to me to picture people in heaven and imagine seeing them there, like there is this other little community where people walk around and have conversations with people that used to be dead. Part of me thinks that there won't be conversations like this, that we'll all just be so enamored with our Father that all we will want to do is sing and praise and glorify. I can't help but feel, though, that George met my baby when he arrived in heaven. So did Earl. The Sunday before last we sang a David Crowder song that has the line, "Majesty, finally," in it. I couldn't help but hear George singing this song with his hands up in the air to Jesus. Maybe the loss of some people in my life has caused me to look more towards heaven. That's probably not a bad thing. I just hope that I'm glorifying my Father here on earth just as much as I will in heaven.