I wish that we were all willing to be helped and held when we are hurting and in need.
I wish that we never felt like we had to do life on our own.
I wish that culture didn't tell us that we have to be strong and independent in order to be successful.
I wish we didn't believe all of the lies culture tells us.
So, if you read this, then please reach out to the hurting. Also, if you are hurting, be willing to accept help from your friends. Let your friends love you. You don't have to do it on your own. You will never be able to do it on your own.
Christ is in me. I can't do it on my own. I can't help a friend on my own. But, if my friend needs someone to lean on, it is Christ in me that is strong. It is Christ in me that my friend can depend on. It is Christ in me that loves my friend through thick and thin. It is Christ in me.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Update--Just for Jennifer =)
I am feeling good tonight. We paid off the last of our credit card debt just a few hours ago. We are past Baby Step 1 and Baby Step 2 in Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University! Woo hoo! I actually feel safe right now because we have a budget. I'm really excited to see the way that our finances look five to ten years from now. Sometimes during those classes I feel like an idiot because I don't always completely understand the details of investments and the ins and outs of insurance, but we're going to just keep plugging away and sticking to our course.
I actually was just looking in my Bible for a verse from our class that talks about that principle. I found a different one instead. Proverbs 16:9 says "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." I thought it was rather ironic that that is the verse I turned to. I have made many, many plans in my young twenty-seven years. I have always been a motivated planner. I'm not the best at keeping the plan completely organized, but I know the plan and I follow the rules. When I wanted to lose weight last year, I followed the rules and I lost twenty pounds. When I became pregnant I cut out the caffeine and the diet soda because that's the rule. I don't get traffic tickets because I follow the rules. Kyle and I are doing Dave Ramsey, and we follow all the rules. I am a great rule follower. Sometimes, though, my best laid plans and rules are not going to get the results that I want. That's sometimes a hard thing to realize. No matter how hard I try, sometimes I just can't do it on my own. In fact, I'm learning that I never can do it on my own. My plans, no matter how big and mighty, might not be the best plans. God's plans are the best plans. So, I may plan out my life (you know, get pregnant, have the baby right before TAKS testing, have maternity leave that goes straight into summer vacation), but God has a better plan.
Please don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that God wanted our baby to die. I'm just saying that God is going to use whatever happens in Kyle's life and my life to make his name known. Kyle and I may never have a baby. That might just be the plan. And please don't write off my musings as the ramblings of a negative person. I am just speaking truth. Kyle and I may have lots of babies (Heaven helps us!). We don't know. As much as I like to know the plan, as much as I like to follow the rules, there is a great beauty in letting go. There is a great freedom in knowing that I don't have to take on the burden. So, for right now, I'm going to sit back, talk to God, love His people, and enjoy the ride that is life. Sometimes you hear people tell the story about how your life is a tapestry being woven by God, and when you get to the end, you look back and see that even the difficult and seemingly ugly parts weave to form a beautiful picture. Maybe it's bigger than that. Maybe it's about how Kyle's life weaves into my life and my life weaves into someone else's and so on. Maybe it's one giant tapestry throughout mankind. Maybe God's trying to weave a tapestry to show how holy and awesome and powerful and mighty and great He is. Maybe this tapestry is a beautiful piece showing how God loves each of us, showing His pursuit of us. I don't know. I hope that my theology is not off. Kyle, if it is, then let me know. I want to think rightly about God.
Anyway, that was a long post. And Jennifer, it was for you. There's our discussion on the couch for today. I'll talk to you later on this week. =)
I actually was just looking in my Bible for a verse from our class that talks about that principle. I found a different one instead. Proverbs 16:9 says "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." I thought it was rather ironic that that is the verse I turned to. I have made many, many plans in my young twenty-seven years. I have always been a motivated planner. I'm not the best at keeping the plan completely organized, but I know the plan and I follow the rules. When I wanted to lose weight last year, I followed the rules and I lost twenty pounds. When I became pregnant I cut out the caffeine and the diet soda because that's the rule. I don't get traffic tickets because I follow the rules. Kyle and I are doing Dave Ramsey, and we follow all the rules. I am a great rule follower. Sometimes, though, my best laid plans and rules are not going to get the results that I want. That's sometimes a hard thing to realize. No matter how hard I try, sometimes I just can't do it on my own. In fact, I'm learning that I never can do it on my own. My plans, no matter how big and mighty, might not be the best plans. God's plans are the best plans. So, I may plan out my life (you know, get pregnant, have the baby right before TAKS testing, have maternity leave that goes straight into summer vacation), but God has a better plan.
Please don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that God wanted our baby to die. I'm just saying that God is going to use whatever happens in Kyle's life and my life to make his name known. Kyle and I may never have a baby. That might just be the plan. And please don't write off my musings as the ramblings of a negative person. I am just speaking truth. Kyle and I may have lots of babies (Heaven helps us!). We don't know. As much as I like to know the plan, as much as I like to follow the rules, there is a great beauty in letting go. There is a great freedom in knowing that I don't have to take on the burden. So, for right now, I'm going to sit back, talk to God, love His people, and enjoy the ride that is life. Sometimes you hear people tell the story about how your life is a tapestry being woven by God, and when you get to the end, you look back and see that even the difficult and seemingly ugly parts weave to form a beautiful picture. Maybe it's bigger than that. Maybe it's about how Kyle's life weaves into my life and my life weaves into someone else's and so on. Maybe it's one giant tapestry throughout mankind. Maybe God's trying to weave a tapestry to show how holy and awesome and powerful and mighty and great He is. Maybe this tapestry is a beautiful piece showing how God loves each of us, showing His pursuit of us. I don't know. I hope that my theology is not off. Kyle, if it is, then let me know. I want to think rightly about God.
Anyway, that was a long post. And Jennifer, it was for you. There's our discussion on the couch for today. I'll talk to you later on this week. =)
Monday, October 15, 2007
Back in the Workout Saddle
I went back to my workout class today at the Y. I didn't get to workout this past week just because of the hectic week we had, but I had been running and doing the elliptical machine before that for about a week and a half. I love the way excercise makes me feel. I always feel like I can beat up somebody or play a real sport when I get done. It just makes me feel good.
However, at the start of class today, I could see myself in the mirror. It just felt gross to see myself and think that I'm back to square one. I hate that feeling. It's just disheartening.
However, at the start of class today, I could see myself in the mirror. It just felt gross to see myself and think that I'm back to square one. I hate that feeling. It's just disheartening.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Support System
My husband is too good to me. I can't believe how good God is to me sometimes. He really blessed me when He gave me Kyle. Kyle is such a good and Godly man. He knows how to love me and how to take care of me. I just can't get over how blessed I am. I think we're going to the fair tomorrow. There is no one else that I would rather hang out with than my husband. We have fun together, and it's so obvious that Jesus is in him. I know that is what I love about him. Christ is so obvious in his life that it just overflows into the way he treats people and loves people.
Today was a hard day. I think that with so much going on this week (no free night at home), I have just been tired. Tired and emotional don't mix well. I haven't been as patient or as merciful. That bothers me. When you're under pressure, you see what's really on the inside. I didn't like what came out today. I have such a great support system, though. I know that there are many people out there praying for me. By the way, Kelli Bishop, if you read this, your comments have meant so much to me. When I read your comment about how your discipleship group prayed for me, I couldn't help but cry. Thank you for being aware of what the Holy Spirit is telling you. He knew I needed prayer.
I'm so glad that God has a bigger and better plan than my own. I know that I can't do this on my own. I know that I can't make the right things happen on my own. I just trust that God is going to take care of everything. I can't do anything about any of this. I just have to do what I know is right, and let God be in control.
I think I'm going to bed. It's too late to be up right now. I want to snuggle with my husband. I love him too much to just let him sit in his chair and be lonely. I think his arms are calling my name.
Today was a hard day. I think that with so much going on this week (no free night at home), I have just been tired. Tired and emotional don't mix well. I haven't been as patient or as merciful. That bothers me. When you're under pressure, you see what's really on the inside. I didn't like what came out today. I have such a great support system, though. I know that there are many people out there praying for me. By the way, Kelli Bishop, if you read this, your comments have meant so much to me. When I read your comment about how your discipleship group prayed for me, I couldn't help but cry. Thank you for being aware of what the Holy Spirit is telling you. He knew I needed prayer.
I'm so glad that God has a bigger and better plan than my own. I know that I can't do this on my own. I know that I can't make the right things happen on my own. I just trust that God is going to take care of everything. I can't do anything about any of this. I just have to do what I know is right, and let God be in control.
I think I'm going to bed. It's too late to be up right now. I want to snuggle with my husband. I love him too much to just let him sit in his chair and be lonely. I think his arms are calling my name.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Cleansing Tears
Tonight I have been sad. In my urgency to help friends in need the past couple of weeks, I have felt the need to be strong. Even though no one has said this or even hinted at it, I have felt pressure (maybe even from within myself) to move on and get over it. I just can't do it tonight. I need to cry. I need to be sad. I need to mourn. Sometimes it's hard to feel the freedom to do that. My Aunt Lecia told me that tears are cleansing. Tonight I need to be cleansed.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
I Got Tagged
My friend Kelli Bishop tagged me. So, I guess I have to fill this out. Normally I don't do things like this, but since it's about Kyle, I think I'll probably enjoy it. My answers probably won't be as sweet as Kelli's were about Ryan. I'm a little sleepy right now, so I'm having a hard time concentrating. It was good to see them on Friday. Hopefully they'll come back and visit soon, or we'll head up to Louisville to visit.
1. Who is your man? Aaron Kyle Walker. He goes by the name Kyle.
2. How long have you been together? Well, if you count dating, then five years, three months, and five days. If you are only counting marriage then four years, three months, and eighteen days.
3. How long did you date? We dated long distance for five months. We were only in the same town for three weeks.
4. How old is your man? Let's see, I'm 27, so Kyle's 28.
5. Who eats more? Well, I think at dinner and lunch Kyle eats more, but if we're talking snacks, then I'm the winner.
6. Who said "I love you" first? Kyle was the one, but I quickly followed within seconds.
7. Who is taller? Kyle is taller, but when I wear my four inch heels we're eye-to-eye.
8. Who sings better? I guess I would say I do. Unless we're talking who sings better in the shower or who sings the best in an obnoxious way. Then it would be Kyle. =)
9. Who is smarter? Ooh, Kyle would say I am, but he's smarter than me in a lot of ways.
10. Whose temper is worse? Probably me. Kyle thinks he has rage, but I never see it. He's too kind to be full of anger.
11. Who does the laundry? That would be Kyle, most of the time. He spoils me rotten.
12. Who takes out the garbage? That would be Kyle, again. I'm telling you, he spoils me.
13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? I'm on the right side if you're in the bed. But it's weird, that's only when we're at our house. If we go somewhere else, we might switch sides without even realizing it.
14. Who pays the bills? Since we started Dave Ramsey, we both do.
15. Who is better with the computer? My man. He's incredible.
16. Who mows the lawn? Kyle does. I am forever thankful for that, too.
17. Who cooks dinner? I cook dinner most of the time. Kyle does dishes. We make a great team.
18. Who drives when you are together? Kyle drives most of the time, especially at night.
19. Who pays when you go out? Probably me, only because I've been holding onto the cash envelopes lately. I paid most of the time when we were dating. I'm his sugar momma. =)
20. Who is most stubborn? I win, I win! I am absolutely the most stubborn person in my house! He didn't believe me before we got married, but now he knows!
21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? I wish it was me, but it's probably Kyle. Since I'm the stubborn one, and I think I'm always right, so I'm less likely to admit I'm wrong. I'm working on it, though.
22. Whose parents do you see the most? We are blessed enough to live about ten miles away from Kyle's parents. We see them more often just because of location.
23. Who kissed who first? Kyle asked me if he could kiss me, and of course I said yes. I had been waiting!
24. Who asked who out? Kyle asked me out.
25. Who proposed? Kyle asked me to marry him. It was all a complete surprise. I had no idea it was coming. I'm just very gullible.
26. Who is more sensitive? I get my feelings hurt more easily, but Kyle is more sensitive to the needs and hearts of others. He is amazing.
27. Who has more friends? Probably Kyle. He is very likeable, and he makes me look good.
28. Who has more siblings? Kyle has two brothers, and I only have one.
29. Who wears the pants in the family? Kyle, I hope. Especially when it comes to make major decisions. I'm so glad that he has to do it, not me!
30. What's your favorite thing about your man? I sound like I'm copying Kelli, but for Kyle it's true. I love the way he loves people. He is the type of person who genuinely cares about others and their needs. I also love his sense of humor. He makes me laugh more than anyone I know. There are so many more things that I love about Kyle. He's just steady for me. I'm so blessed that I get to spend the rest of my life with hm.
1. Who is your man? Aaron Kyle Walker. He goes by the name Kyle.
2. How long have you been together? Well, if you count dating, then five years, three months, and five days. If you are only counting marriage then four years, three months, and eighteen days.
3. How long did you date? We dated long distance for five months. We were only in the same town for three weeks.
4. How old is your man? Let's see, I'm 27, so Kyle's 28.
5. Who eats more? Well, I think at dinner and lunch Kyle eats more, but if we're talking snacks, then I'm the winner.
6. Who said "I love you" first? Kyle was the one, but I quickly followed within seconds.
7. Who is taller? Kyle is taller, but when I wear my four inch heels we're eye-to-eye.
8. Who sings better? I guess I would say I do. Unless we're talking who sings better in the shower or who sings the best in an obnoxious way. Then it would be Kyle. =)
9. Who is smarter? Ooh, Kyle would say I am, but he's smarter than me in a lot of ways.
10. Whose temper is worse? Probably me. Kyle thinks he has rage, but I never see it. He's too kind to be full of anger.
11. Who does the laundry? That would be Kyle, most of the time. He spoils me rotten.
12. Who takes out the garbage? That would be Kyle, again. I'm telling you, he spoils me.
13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? I'm on the right side if you're in the bed. But it's weird, that's only when we're at our house. If we go somewhere else, we might switch sides without even realizing it.
14. Who pays the bills? Since we started Dave Ramsey, we both do.
15. Who is better with the computer? My man. He's incredible.
16. Who mows the lawn? Kyle does. I am forever thankful for that, too.
17. Who cooks dinner? I cook dinner most of the time. Kyle does dishes. We make a great team.
18. Who drives when you are together? Kyle drives most of the time, especially at night.
19. Who pays when you go out? Probably me, only because I've been holding onto the cash envelopes lately. I paid most of the time when we were dating. I'm his sugar momma. =)
20. Who is most stubborn? I win, I win! I am absolutely the most stubborn person in my house! He didn't believe me before we got married, but now he knows!
21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? I wish it was me, but it's probably Kyle. Since I'm the stubborn one, and I think I'm always right, so I'm less likely to admit I'm wrong. I'm working on it, though.
22. Whose parents do you see the most? We are blessed enough to live about ten miles away from Kyle's parents. We see them more often just because of location.
23. Who kissed who first? Kyle asked me if he could kiss me, and of course I said yes. I had been waiting!
24. Who asked who out? Kyle asked me out.
25. Who proposed? Kyle asked me to marry him. It was all a complete surprise. I had no idea it was coming. I'm just very gullible.
26. Who is more sensitive? I get my feelings hurt more easily, but Kyle is more sensitive to the needs and hearts of others. He is amazing.
27. Who has more friends? Probably Kyle. He is very likeable, and he makes me look good.
28. Who has more siblings? Kyle has two brothers, and I only have one.
29. Who wears the pants in the family? Kyle, I hope. Especially when it comes to make major decisions. I'm so glad that he has to do it, not me!
30. What's your favorite thing about your man? I sound like I'm copying Kelli, but for Kyle it's true. I love the way he loves people. He is the type of person who genuinely cares about others and their needs. I also love his sense of humor. He makes me laugh more than anyone I know. There are so many more things that I love about Kyle. He's just steady for me. I'm so blessed that I get to spend the rest of my life with hm.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Uneventful Evening
Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment. I'm a little nervous about what he is going to say or tell us. I'm also nervous about crying. The doctor is probably used to that, though. We'll see what he has to say. God's plan is right, no matter what. I can follow His plan even if it's not what I thought it would be. So, if anyone reads this tonight or tomorrow, please pray that all will go well. I still have hives, and we would like to see if we could visit an endocrinologist to have my thyroid checked out.
On a completely different note, Tony Romo has four interceptions so far in this Cowboys game. That's not good. I told Kyle that Romo's cocky enough to pull through, though. Kyle's pretty nervous right now. I can see him from where I'm sitting. He's just standing in front of the tv swaying back and forth. He'll start to raise his fist to be happy then put it down if the play doesn't turn out the way he wanted. He of course is wearing that Dallas Cowboys shirt. I have to get him a new one. He wears that thing every week. I am glad that he wears it, but some variety might help. I'll need to add more money to our clothes budget next month so I can get him a new shirt.
He's a good husband. I am so blessed. Not many people can say that about their spouse. He's just good to me. He shows me Jesus by the way he lives his life. That makes me love him more.
On a completely different note, Tony Romo has four interceptions so far in this Cowboys game. That's not good. I told Kyle that Romo's cocky enough to pull through, though. Kyle's pretty nervous right now. I can see him from where I'm sitting. He's just standing in front of the tv swaying back and forth. He'll start to raise his fist to be happy then put it down if the play doesn't turn out the way he wanted. He of course is wearing that Dallas Cowboys shirt. I have to get him a new one. He wears that thing every week. I am glad that he wears it, but some variety might help. I'll need to add more money to our clothes budget next month so I can get him a new shirt.
He's a good husband. I am so blessed. Not many people can say that about their spouse. He's just good to me. He shows me Jesus by the way he lives his life. That makes me love him more.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Week in review
This week has been a tale of two halves. The first half of the week was very challenging. There were many tears. The second half of the week definitely had more hope. There were still tears, but they were different tears.
Last night I went out to dinner with two friends. We had a great time. We did fondue, so it took a long time. It was just good to talk together and cry together. It was just a good night. Not to mention the food was so yummy, especially the chocolate. We had the pecan caramel chocolate blend, and it was just divine. I could have wallowed in that stuff.
Yesterday I saw one of my co-workers. She was three weeks ahead of me, I think, in our pregnancies. She's beginning to show. It was the first time that I saw a pregnant belly and had a twinge of jealousy and pain. I have heard that is actually very common. I'm still very happy for the people that I work with that are pregnant. Children are such a blessing, and these ladies that I work with are so sweet and kind. They are the type of people that should be having children because they're such good mothers. I hope that one day I'll fall into that category.
As soon as we found out we were pregnant we began looking for updates online to see how much the baby had grown this week, or how big the baby should be, or what organs developed this week. As soon as I got home that Tuesday that we found out that the baby had died I tried to unsubscribe us from those e-mail updates. We still get them, though. Apparently I didn't do it the right way. Yesterday there was an e-mail saying how big the baby was at 14 weeks. It was very sad for me to see that. My doctor's appointment is on Tuesday. It will be interesting to hear what he has to say about trying again. Initially Kyle and I were both very nervous about becoming parents and having a family. I was honestly nervous about losing time with him. Now I feel selfish for ever feeling that way. I know how Kyle and I are. I know that we'll still make time for us. I know that we'll both stumble our way through parenthood making mistakes and learning from them, hopefully. I just want to get that opportunity.
Anyway, I trust God. I think that even though this has been the hardest thing that we've ever gone through, we have been supported by so many people. We have been cared for by the hands of Jesus because we are surrounded by people who love Him. That reminds me of my life as a Christian. It's not a job to love people. It's not a job to care for people. It's just who we should be in Christ. Because the character of Christ loves and cares for people, and Christ is in me, then it is part of my character to love and care for people. Please continue to pray us through this. Please continue to pray that Christ in me will be obvious to the people I know and love and meet on a daily basis.
Last night I went out to dinner with two friends. We had a great time. We did fondue, so it took a long time. It was just good to talk together and cry together. It was just a good night. Not to mention the food was so yummy, especially the chocolate. We had the pecan caramel chocolate blend, and it was just divine. I could have wallowed in that stuff.
Yesterday I saw one of my co-workers. She was three weeks ahead of me, I think, in our pregnancies. She's beginning to show. It was the first time that I saw a pregnant belly and had a twinge of jealousy and pain. I have heard that is actually very common. I'm still very happy for the people that I work with that are pregnant. Children are such a blessing, and these ladies that I work with are so sweet and kind. They are the type of people that should be having children because they're such good mothers. I hope that one day I'll fall into that category.
As soon as we found out we were pregnant we began looking for updates online to see how much the baby had grown this week, or how big the baby should be, or what organs developed this week. As soon as I got home that Tuesday that we found out that the baby had died I tried to unsubscribe us from those e-mail updates. We still get them, though. Apparently I didn't do it the right way. Yesterday there was an e-mail saying how big the baby was at 14 weeks. It was very sad for me to see that. My doctor's appointment is on Tuesday. It will be interesting to hear what he has to say about trying again. Initially Kyle and I were both very nervous about becoming parents and having a family. I was honestly nervous about losing time with him. Now I feel selfish for ever feeling that way. I know how Kyle and I are. I know that we'll still make time for us. I know that we'll both stumble our way through parenthood making mistakes and learning from them, hopefully. I just want to get that opportunity.
Anyway, I trust God. I think that even though this has been the hardest thing that we've ever gone through, we have been supported by so many people. We have been cared for by the hands of Jesus because we are surrounded by people who love Him. That reminds me of my life as a Christian. It's not a job to love people. It's not a job to care for people. It's just who we should be in Christ. Because the character of Christ loves and cares for people, and Christ is in me, then it is part of my character to love and care for people. Please continue to pray us through this. Please continue to pray that Christ in me will be obvious to the people I know and love and meet on a daily basis.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Head vs. Heart
Last night Kyle and I took a great walk. We talked about how this whole experience feels like a battle between our heads and our hearts. In my head I know that everything will be okay. In my head I know that God is faithful and that He has a perfect plan. My heart just can't move as quickly as my head can. My head seems to want to move through the grieving process quickly, while my heart wants to sit and mourn for a little while longer. I think this is normal, though. I can kind of compare it to faith. I have faith and know that God is real and that He has changed my life, but I don't always feel His presence. Fortunately the Bible tells me over and over that I can know God and how I can know that I belong to Him even though I might not always feel that way.
Tonight has been the best night since the miscarriage. It's probably the most hopeful I have felt in a week. God has blessed me with a wonderful husband that knows how to be there for me. He doesn't have to be strong or tough, I just like it that he is here to hold my hand. We're going to hold hands and walk through this trial together. There is hope.
"To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy which so powerfully works in me."
Colossians 1:27-29
The phrase I keep thinking of is "Christ in you, the hope of glory." That pops in my head many times each day. But then when I went back and read the rest of the verses, it made me realize that the whole "Christ in me" part is what's going to make the difference in the lives of my friends and neighbors and other people I meet. I can't make a difference on my own, but with Christ in me, I don't have to worry. He changes people. That is a very good thing.
Tonight has been the best night since the miscarriage. It's probably the most hopeful I have felt in a week. God has blessed me with a wonderful husband that knows how to be there for me. He doesn't have to be strong or tough, I just like it that he is here to hold my hand. We're going to hold hands and walk through this trial together. There is hope.
"To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy which so powerfully works in me."
Colossians 1:27-29
The phrase I keep thinking of is "Christ in you, the hope of glory." That pops in my head many times each day. But then when I went back and read the rest of the verses, it made me realize that the whole "Christ in me" part is what's going to make the difference in the lives of my friends and neighbors and other people I meet. I can't make a difference on my own, but with Christ in me, I don't have to worry. He changes people. That is a very good thing.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
New Day
Today was hard, too. I don't know why, but I guess I expected that each day would be a little easier. I don't think it happens that way, though.
I continue to hear stories from friends and acquaintances about how a miscarriage has affected their lives. Not all of them have happy endings. I almost think that it is good for me to hear that. I think that it still reminds me that God works in ways that we are not guaranteed to understand.
Like I've said earlier, I think that God can use this experience to show other people how great He is. Today I think God gave me a little bit more peace about that. I don't want to reveal too many details, but I am beginning to think that a friend of mine might be just a little bit more open to God today than he/she was last month. I just pray that God will continue to use this situation in our lives to bring Himself glory.
So if you have been praying for Kyle and me, please continue. But also please pray for our friends that don't know Jesus. I want them to know Christ and the power of his resurrection.
I continue to hear stories from friends and acquaintances about how a miscarriage has affected their lives. Not all of them have happy endings. I almost think that it is good for me to hear that. I think that it still reminds me that God works in ways that we are not guaranteed to understand.
Like I've said earlier, I think that God can use this experience to show other people how great He is. Today I think God gave me a little bit more peace about that. I don't want to reveal too many details, but I am beginning to think that a friend of mine might be just a little bit more open to God today than he/she was last month. I just pray that God will continue to use this situation in our lives to bring Himself glory.
So if you have been praying for Kyle and me, please continue. But also please pray for our friends that don't know Jesus. I want them to know Christ and the power of his resurrection.
Monday, October 1, 2007
One More Thing
I took a great run tonight. I listened to my music. For running I can't seem to use worship music, I have to use pop and rock. I really enjoy running. It clears my head and makes me feel healthy, especially since I really enjoy those chocolate chip cookies or brownies and ice cream here and there.
When I got back home I sat in the bed of Kyle's truck and listened to a couple of songs. They are songs that I think really mean a lot to me right now. One is "The Glory of It All" by David Crowder. It is an incredible song. Kyle and I always wanted our marriage to be for God's glory. This song reminds me of that. I know that everything that I do throughout each day should be done for the glory of God.
I also listened to "You Are God Alone." This is absolutely one of my favorite worship songs. I love all the verses, the chorus, and the bridge. The chorus says, "You are God alone. From before time began you were on your throne. You are God alone. And right now in the good times and bad you are on your throne. You are God alone." It reminds me of the reading we've been doing in home teams from 1 John 1 where he talks about Jesus being from the beginning, also tying back to John 1. He is from the beginning, before the beginning, and He is always. That is an unfathomable thought for me.
The last one was Matt Redman's "You Never Let Go." Now I will admit I've never been a Matt Redman fan. Kyle really likes him. But the verses in this song are taken straight from scripture. It's great for me to listen to because it reminds me of God's promises. His perfect love drives out all fear. He never lets go of me.
It's awesome to know that in my weakness (which I have a lot of), God is strong. That's a good thing.
When I got back home I sat in the bed of Kyle's truck and listened to a couple of songs. They are songs that I think really mean a lot to me right now. One is "The Glory of It All" by David Crowder. It is an incredible song. Kyle and I always wanted our marriage to be for God's glory. This song reminds me of that. I know that everything that I do throughout each day should be done for the glory of God.
I also listened to "You Are God Alone." This is absolutely one of my favorite worship songs. I love all the verses, the chorus, and the bridge. The chorus says, "You are God alone. From before time began you were on your throne. You are God alone. And right now in the good times and bad you are on your throne. You are God alone." It reminds me of the reading we've been doing in home teams from 1 John 1 where he talks about Jesus being from the beginning, also tying back to John 1. He is from the beginning, before the beginning, and He is always. That is an unfathomable thought for me.
The last one was Matt Redman's "You Never Let Go." Now I will admit I've never been a Matt Redman fan. Kyle really likes him. But the verses in this song are taken straight from scripture. It's great for me to listen to because it reminds me of God's promises. His perfect love drives out all fear. He never lets go of me.
It's awesome to know that in my weakness (which I have a lot of), God is strong. That's a good thing.
Jump In
Today was my first day back to school since our miscarriage. God has blessed me with such an awesome team of teachers. They really look out for me. My partner teacher, Toni, took my kids for a good part of the day so I could catch up on plans and grades. They all took care of me today.
Yesterday I went to church. That was hard, but I made it through. I guess I never really expected something like this to happen, and then I also never expected it to be as hard as it is. Last night at home team we had the Lord's Supper. I couldn't help but think back to the last Lord's Supper I participated in. It was the night before I found out I was pregnant. I was actually really upset that night because I had really bad hives and no idea why. The articles I had read on the internet (of course an always reliable source) said that sometimes hives were the sign of infertility. So, I was really nervous that maybe I was infertile. That night Kyle and I actually prayed that we would give God control no matter what and that we would rejoice no matter what. The next day I took the pregnancy test, and it was positive. I am sure that the night before when we were praying God was smiling at us saying, "You just wait." So, last night when we took the Lord's Supper, I could honestly tell God that I know He has a plan, even though I have no idea what it is. I could honestly admit that God will take care of us and provide, even if we never have a baby.
I don't know what the future holds. I do know that I am called to minister to the kids in my classroom every day. I take joy in that. I love what I do. I know that I am called to minister to my fellow teachers, even though they are ministering to me right now. God has a great and mighty plan. I can't wait to see what He does in my life, in Kyle's life, and the lives of the people around us.
Yesterday I went to church. That was hard, but I made it through. I guess I never really expected something like this to happen, and then I also never expected it to be as hard as it is. Last night at home team we had the Lord's Supper. I couldn't help but think back to the last Lord's Supper I participated in. It was the night before I found out I was pregnant. I was actually really upset that night because I had really bad hives and no idea why. The articles I had read on the internet (of course an always reliable source) said that sometimes hives were the sign of infertility. So, I was really nervous that maybe I was infertile. That night Kyle and I actually prayed that we would give God control no matter what and that we would rejoice no matter what. The next day I took the pregnancy test, and it was positive. I am sure that the night before when we were praying God was smiling at us saying, "You just wait." So, last night when we took the Lord's Supper, I could honestly tell God that I know He has a plan, even though I have no idea what it is. I could honestly admit that God will take care of us and provide, even if we never have a baby.
I don't know what the future holds. I do know that I am called to minister to the kids in my classroom every day. I take joy in that. I love what I do. I know that I am called to minister to my fellow teachers, even though they are ministering to me right now. God has a great and mighty plan. I can't wait to see what He does in my life, in Kyle's life, and the lives of the people around us.
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