Tonight at home team someone brought up the death of a friend that occurred last December. Kyle and I actually lost two friends last December. One lost a long battle with a brain tumor. The other was tragically killed in a car accident. Being reminded of those deaths made me think what a tough year we had last school year. Two miscarriages and the deaths of two friends. What a difference a year makes.
I started thinking about how this current pregnancy has really helped me move past the miscarriage last September. To feel this baby move is completely unbelievable. It's so incredible to think that there is a tiny human being growing inside me. I don't understand the details of how it works, but I think it's such a reminder of what an incredible God I serve. Today Kyle's sermon was about the blind man being healed in John 9. At the beginning of the chapter the disciples ask Jesus who sinned in order to cause the man to be born blind. Jesus responds by saying, "Neither this man nor his parent sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." I have always thought that if the death of our first child helped draw someone closer to Jesus then it would be worth it. But I haven't seen that happen. I think I'm beginning to realize that I might not always see the work of God be displayed in that person's life. It might be something that happens years down the road. I've finally come to grips with that.
I also began to ponder the wives of my friends that died last December. Their stories are completely different than mine. I have hope and excitement now because God has given me another child to experience. But these lovely and Godly women don't have a new life to celebrate. But yet that same verse applies to these women. We've experienced loss, but through it all our Lord can use this to display the work of God in our lives.
Death is hard. Loss is not easy. I honestly don't believe we're meant to understand it all. But, I know that our God is good. I know that He's bigger than death. And if something horrible in my life can be used to draw others close to our wonderful Jesus, then in the end that's all that matters.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Saturday, November 1, 2008
long time
It has been a really long time since I've blogged. Kyle keeps asking me when I'm going to start blogging again, and I decided tonight is perfect since he's watching the game. Hopefully the Horns will be able to pull out a win.
I've been thinking this week about having a baby boy and raising him to be a man. What a huge responsibility. It really kind of scares me to think that Kyle and I are going to be in charge of making sure this precious little baby becomes a man. There are so many qualities I want him to have, so many things that I pray for him about. I want him to love Jesus. I can't make him do that, Kyle and I can only lead by example. I want him to be a person of integrity. I want him to care deeply for people. I also want him to be independent and confident. The list goes on and on.
And then, on top of those thoughts, there are the decisions we have to make about items that we need. Do we really need everything that we admire at Babies R Us? I know that those aren't all necessities. It's just hard to know--when you've never been a parent before--what all you'll need to take care of an infant. Some say you need a changing table, others tell us they never use one. What about those huge stroller systems. Do we need one of those, or is that just something that everybody gets? You should have seen Kyle and me trying to figure out how to work one of those things at Babies R Us. He laughed and said we looked like two monkeys exploring something new.
There's also advice. How do I really know which book is best? Is attachment parenting the way to go? What about natural childbirth? How do I know who to trust when it comes to advice about how to parent?
I think that this is just part of my personality. I constantly desire to be good at what I do. I'm one of those people who won't try things because I'm scared of failure or scared of not being good at something. I'm going to have quite a wake up call. This is going to be a learning experience for me. I can't expect to be the best at something that I've never done before. I think that in the end, Kyle and I will figure out what works for us. And he and I both have great sets of parents that are wonderful examples. Then on top of that, we have an amazing Father who is the ultimate example of a great parent. We'll just have to ultimately lean on that as our guide.
I've been thinking this week about having a baby boy and raising him to be a man. What a huge responsibility. It really kind of scares me to think that Kyle and I are going to be in charge of making sure this precious little baby becomes a man. There are so many qualities I want him to have, so many things that I pray for him about. I want him to love Jesus. I can't make him do that, Kyle and I can only lead by example. I want him to be a person of integrity. I want him to care deeply for people. I also want him to be independent and confident. The list goes on and on.
And then, on top of those thoughts, there are the decisions we have to make about items that we need. Do we really need everything that we admire at Babies R Us? I know that those aren't all necessities. It's just hard to know--when you've never been a parent before--what all you'll need to take care of an infant. Some say you need a changing table, others tell us they never use one. What about those huge stroller systems. Do we need one of those, or is that just something that everybody gets? You should have seen Kyle and me trying to figure out how to work one of those things at Babies R Us. He laughed and said we looked like two monkeys exploring something new.
There's also advice. How do I really know which book is best? Is attachment parenting the way to go? What about natural childbirth? How do I know who to trust when it comes to advice about how to parent?
I think that this is just part of my personality. I constantly desire to be good at what I do. I'm one of those people who won't try things because I'm scared of failure or scared of not being good at something. I'm going to have quite a wake up call. This is going to be a learning experience for me. I can't expect to be the best at something that I've never done before. I think that in the end, Kyle and I will figure out what works for us. And he and I both have great sets of parents that are wonderful examples. Then on top of that, we have an amazing Father who is the ultimate example of a great parent. We'll just have to ultimately lean on that as our guide.
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