only me

Sometimes I think that my problems get so big that they are all that I can see. I try to listen and help others. I try to see others' perspectives, but I always end up focusing on myself. I don't like that. It shouldn't be all about me.

Ryan and Kelli Bishop, some dear friends of ours, just got back from a mission trip to Africa. I was able to talk to Kelli on the phone yesterday, and she told me a little about what went on. I was reminded through our conversation how blessed I truly am--not just to live in America--but to have a house, food on the table and in the fridge, clean water, and a husband who loves me. The list of blessings could go on for days. I should even be thankful that Kyle and I were able to write the check to pay the IRS. Isn't it great that God has blessed us so much that we are able to write a check to the government? I know that sounds sarcastic, but I don't mean it to be. God has richly blessed us.

I guess that sometimes God gives me a little reminder to get me out of the muck and mire. That's what His Word says, right? He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

I want to live like Jesus. I want to imitate Him. Instead of seeing only my problems and my issues, I want to be able to see things the way that He sees them. I read Ephesians 5:1-2 today. The very first part of those verses says to be imitators of God. I know that He did not intend for me to live life looking only at myself. I know that He wants me to look at others and their needs. I know that He wants me to love others more than myself. That is so very hard to do sometimes, especially when I feel like my muck and mire is justified.

But, even my muck and mire is better than what I deserve. I have a God that loves me. The creator of the universe, the conductor of the breezes and winds, the painter of the sunsets, the architect of the mountains and valleys chooses to have a relationship with me. That is so much more than what I deserve. That is all I need. He sustains me.

bad day

I had a bad day yesterday. There were some issues going on that just made yesterday hard to handle. Too hard. It was the first time I've really let myself say out loud, "It's just not fair." It was the first time that I actually felt like the load was too much to bear. It was one of the hardest days I've had in a long, long time.

The thing is, I know that life is not fair. I know that I already have more than I deserve. I'm so very thankful for my husband. He is such a blessing in my life.

So if you happen to stumble across my blog today or tomorrow or any time in the next few days, please pray for me. I need peace and comfort in a pretty big way right now. I don't want answers because I know I won't get them. I just need peace.

due date

Today's the day.

My friend Jennifer is here, so that is keeping me busy and keeping my mind off of it. But it's always there in the back of my mind, something that will never go away. I did cry last night. I was alone in my car picking up a pizza and remembered that the day before the D and C we had picked up a pizza from Mama's. Now the night before my due date I was picking up a pizza from the same place. It's weird how little things like that will have an effect on you.

However, God is good. He knows my heart. He loves me; I am His child. I'm reminded right now of the verses in Matthew and Luke that talk about how an earthly father wouldn't give his child a stone if he asked for bread or a snake if he asked for fish, so how much more our heavenly Father knows how to give us good gifts, the Holy Spirit. Having the presence of God with me all the time is an incredible, priceless gift. So even when the sky is gray and storm clouds are building, I have my God. Even when the damage left by the storm is severe, I have my God. Even when the damage seems unrepairable, that's right, I have my God.

He will never leave me or forsake me. He is with me always. I hope that you, reader of this blog, know this God that never abandons. I hope that you have met this Savior that is the source of hope. I hope that you will know the love of a Heavenly Father that is greater than any love you will ever give or receive from someone on this earth.

Sometimes the best thing I can do is give up on trying to put the pieces back together. I'll let the Creator of the puzzle do that.