a pretty bow

This weekend Kyle and I were able to go to Passion in Dallas. Initially I was not really looking forward to attending. I knew that I would be emotional with everything that has been going on. I also was fearful that I would be somewhat resentful towards God about the past few months. I was overwhelmingly surprised.

The worship was incredible, the messages were convicting and encouraging. That was definitely the best way for me to spend my weekend. Even though I was completely worn out at the end, I know that God did some great things in the lives of college students, and He renewed my hope.

Louie told a story about a girl who became a Christian and died just a couple of months later. He shared about a correspondence that he had established with this girl's father, who is not a Christian. He told us that we shouldn't expect a "bow" at the end of the weekend (like the dad was going to come out and pray for the event). I think that might be an example of real faith. I think real faith is believing in God and His goodness even when things are not going to be in pretty packages. It's so easy to quote Romans 8:28 to people who are struggling through awful and devastating things. But what if we don't ever see the good? What if we don't ever see the good behind a senseless tragedy? I don't think we will always find the good in every situation. There are some things that we will never understand. I think that's where faith comes in: believing that God is God and I am not and things don't have to be good for me to love Him and put my trust in Him. Anyone can have a faith in a God that wraps everything up in a pretty package. It's much harder to have faith when it seems like we've been handed a garbage can full of junk instead of a beautiful bow.

I don't want faith to be easy. Faith is something that we should wrestle with, something to work out with fear and trembling. If it was supposed to be easy then why would Jesus say that, "small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." Why would he say that, "Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me"? These are hard things to hear. Faith is challenging. If it was obvious, then it wouldn't be faith.

Timber and Moses

These are my puppies. Aren't they cute?

movie

Kyle and I went to see a movie tonight. We had a great time. I love my husband very much, and he loves me too.

I really want to have the type of marriage that shows others who God is. I want others to say that no God can save or love or heal or forgive like our God can. I want to glorify God through our marriage.

Short blog tonight. It's late. I want to talk about Passion, but it will wait. I'll post more tomorrow.

when there's a deviation from the plan

I had wanted to be pregnant this month. I had wanted to get pregnant in January so that I would be past the twelve week mark by the time my original due date came around. Momentarily, I thought that was going to happen.

Sometimes things don't go according to my plan. Well, a lot of times, things don't go according to my plan.

I have now experienced my second miscarriage. This one was not as far along as the other one. This one was only five to five and a half weeks. Another miscarriage was definitely not in my plan. The surprising thing is that I have not felt this peaceful and confident since September 26, which was the first miscarriage. I believe that there are so many people praying for me that there's no way I can fall. I know that there are many people praying that don't even know why they are praying for me. They just know there's a need, and they're responding to the Holy Spirit.

So, as I sit here telling the world about what's going on in my life, I know that there is more to this small blog than just my story. I know that my small story is intertwined with someone else's. God is a beautiful tapestry weaver. There is none like Him.

If you read this and feel sorry for Kyle and me, I ask you not to feel that way. I have shed tears, and I'm sure I'll shed more. But I also know that there is more to life than getting pregnant. As awesome as it may be to carry a child in the womb, I know that my calling is to glorify God with my whole life, full womb or empty womb.

Life can be a hard untraveled road to traverse. But sometimes when you come around a curve in that bumpy path there can be a beautiful display of God's creation. Sometimes the best plans are the ones that don't go just the way you planned them.

listening

How beautiful are the feet that bring good news.

I know that this scripture is referencing the gospel, but I think that sometimes it can apply in other situations. I have an old dear friend of mine who listened to the Holy Spirit and gave me a call yesterday. He called to share a scripture that he had been praying over me. It was what God wanted me to hear. You see, this is not the first time that this particular friend has been prompted by the Spirit. His life displays a pattern of following God's call. So yesterday, even though it was a phone call, his feet were beautiful.

I pray that I will listen to the Holy Spirit. I pray that I will be so in tune with the Holy Spirit that I will know exactly when and how to minister to others. I pray that Christ will be glorified in the way I live my life.

My friend, you told me that you read my blog. So I'm writing this in hope that you will read and be encouraged. You are a true man after God's heart. You have always been my Barnabas. Today is a much brighter day. That doesn't mean that everything will work out the way that I always thought it would. It does mean that I know that God is in control, and that through all of the experiences in my life, and the lives of people like you, that, "many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord." That's what it's all about.

fear

I'm not sure how to get over fear. Kyle and I were talking about it last night. He asked me if memorizing scripture helped. I was in such a worried fearful mood that I wasn't sure how to answer. Then this morning, when I was feeling uneasy, I started saying Psalm 34: 1-9 in my head over and over. I guess the only thing I know how to do is pray that passage. I know that God is good. I know that He is faithful. The hard part is just letting go of the things that I have no control over.

I'm very unsettled today. But, I know in the midst of internal chaos, Jesus calms the storms. He's all I need.