Kyle and I just got back from Oklahoma. Tomorrow we leave for Birmingham. It's never been a question of if we are going to see our family over the holidays. It's always just a question of how long we will be able to visit. We're really blessed in that we do get to see our family quite often compared to others.
I had to get out to deposit my pay check today and get some cash for our envelope system (Dave Ramsey, you know). I stopped in at the grocery store to get a fire log for my husband. I ran into a friend of mine while there. She asked me what the best Christmas present I received was. I stopped and thought and then realized that I had only received one gift. Kyle and I did not exchange gifts this year, and then we just drew names with his family. The awesome thing was that it was the first time I really realized that I had only received one gift. It just showed me what really makes Christmas feel like Christmas to me. I just want to be with family. If I could just spend the whole time with family (which we're doing this time) and not receive one gift, I would be completely content.
Very rarely do people get to experience what I have with my family and with Kyle's family. I am so thankful and so blessed. Even though there have been some very difficult experiences in 2007, there have been some really incredible ones too. God is good. He is always good.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
Time
It has been a hard couple of months. Of course the miscarriage has been hard. That was at the end of September. I can't believe it's almost been three months now. Sometimes it feels as if time is just creeping by, and other times I wonder where it went. A friend of ours from Florida was killed in a car accident two weeks ago now. Kyle flew down for the funeral. And then Kyle's grandfather figure, Earl, passed away one week ago. Kyle went to George's funeral last Monday, and then we went to Earl's funeral on Friday. On Saturday we had a wedding. We've had some major highs and lows in the past few months.
My emotions these days are far from steady. I've always been a pretty sensitive person, but the past couple of months tears have flown freely in my house. My aunt has told me that tears are cleansing, and I believe her. It's been good to cry. Sometimes it's frustrating because I just want to be "myself" again, but I know that tears are good for me. I think that I'm beginning to realize, though, that I will probably never go back to being as innocent as I was before the miscarriage. I guess that struggles do that to you. Just like rain and storms eat away at the walls of a canyon, carving a beautiful path to explore, trials and difficult circumstances help shape me into the person that God wants me to be. Even though my emotions and feelings are far from dependable, my God is very dependable and steady. He doesn't change, and during times like these, that's pretty important.
Right now I'm wondering about God's timing. I don't know how it works. I don't need to know, but I still wonder. With the pregnancy, everything seemed to be perfect timing. Right now I can't help but think that if I got pregnant this month, that it would be the worst possible timing. But then I think that if I didn't get pregnant that I would be disappointed. I guess it's good that I'm not in control. That's not something that I always want to willingly relinquish. Sure, I say that I'm glad that I don't have the power to control things, but I think that at times I really do question whether God's timing really is better than my own. Of course, I know it is. I know that He sees the big picture. It's just hard to always feel like God's timing is perfect. I guess that's why feelings are not trustworthy.
I'm ready for this year to be over. I don't want to forget the pain, though. It reminds me that one day there will be no more pain. That sounds like a completely obvious statement. What I mean is that it gives me something to look forward to even more. One day, I'll be able to glorify my Father in heaven. There will be no more loss. That's definitely hopeful. I'm not a "mystical" thinker. I like knowing things and having faith. I like having faith that there is a God and that He sent His son Jesus to earth. I like having faith that the Holy Spirit is guiding me and directing me. But sometimes I get a little uncomfortable with some of the mysteriousness of faith, especially the whole heaven part. It's always weird to me to picture people in heaven and imagine seeing them there, like there is this other little community where people walk around and have conversations with people that used to be dead. Part of me thinks that there won't be conversations like this, that we'll all just be so enamored with our Father that all we will want to do is sing and praise and glorify. I can't help but feel, though, that George met my baby when he arrived in heaven. So did Earl. The Sunday before last we sang a David Crowder song that has the line, "Majesty, finally," in it. I couldn't help but hear George singing this song with his hands up in the air to Jesus. Maybe the loss of some people in my life has caused me to look more towards heaven. That's probably not a bad thing. I just hope that I'm glorifying my Father here on earth just as much as I will in heaven.
My emotions these days are far from steady. I've always been a pretty sensitive person, but the past couple of months tears have flown freely in my house. My aunt has told me that tears are cleansing, and I believe her. It's been good to cry. Sometimes it's frustrating because I just want to be "myself" again, but I know that tears are good for me. I think that I'm beginning to realize, though, that I will probably never go back to being as innocent as I was before the miscarriage. I guess that struggles do that to you. Just like rain and storms eat away at the walls of a canyon, carving a beautiful path to explore, trials and difficult circumstances help shape me into the person that God wants me to be. Even though my emotions and feelings are far from dependable, my God is very dependable and steady. He doesn't change, and during times like these, that's pretty important.
Right now I'm wondering about God's timing. I don't know how it works. I don't need to know, but I still wonder. With the pregnancy, everything seemed to be perfect timing. Right now I can't help but think that if I got pregnant this month, that it would be the worst possible timing. But then I think that if I didn't get pregnant that I would be disappointed. I guess it's good that I'm not in control. That's not something that I always want to willingly relinquish. Sure, I say that I'm glad that I don't have the power to control things, but I think that at times I really do question whether God's timing really is better than my own. Of course, I know it is. I know that He sees the big picture. It's just hard to always feel like God's timing is perfect. I guess that's why feelings are not trustworthy.
I'm ready for this year to be over. I don't want to forget the pain, though. It reminds me that one day there will be no more pain. That sounds like a completely obvious statement. What I mean is that it gives me something to look forward to even more. One day, I'll be able to glorify my Father in heaven. There will be no more loss. That's definitely hopeful. I'm not a "mystical" thinker. I like knowing things and having faith. I like having faith that there is a God and that He sent His son Jesus to earth. I like having faith that the Holy Spirit is guiding me and directing me. But sometimes I get a little uncomfortable with some of the mysteriousness of faith, especially the whole heaven part. It's always weird to me to picture people in heaven and imagine seeing them there, like there is this other little community where people walk around and have conversations with people that used to be dead. Part of me thinks that there won't be conversations like this, that we'll all just be so enamored with our Father that all we will want to do is sing and praise and glorify. I can't help but feel, though, that George met my baby when he arrived in heaven. So did Earl. The Sunday before last we sang a David Crowder song that has the line, "Majesty, finally," in it. I couldn't help but hear George singing this song with his hands up in the air to Jesus. Maybe the loss of some people in my life has caused me to look more towards heaven. That's probably not a bad thing. I just hope that I'm glorifying my Father here on earth just as much as I will in heaven.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Sunday's Message
I really enjoyed the message at church on Sunday. Keith talked about how the message of Christianity is counter-cultural. I know that sounds like an obvious statement, but I'm going to explain with a little more detail.
In America we strive for independence, from financial independence to lifestyle independence. We always feel the need to do it on our own. If we can't make it on our own without leaning on anyone else then we are not successful in America. We want to be able to pull ourselves up by our boot straps. That is an anti-Christian mindset.
Following Jesus is admitting that you can't do it on your own. Following Jesus is realizing that you need help. I think this is where many of us in American Christian culture struggle. I have friends (and I'm not any different) that feel bad when they have to ask for help. I would much rather walk through the valley of the shadow of death with my friend than watch her walk through it on her own. I know that there is no way I prefer walking through a scary time by myself over walking through it with a friend.
The early church did life together. They ate together, shared time together, and took care of each other. When one of them had a need, then the group helped meet that need. Can you imagine if today's church was really like that? What a difference people would see in us if we really cared for each other, and not just for each other but for our neighbors next door and across the street. That statement, "They will know us by our love," is so true. It's based on what John writes in his first letter. If I live a life filled with Christ's love, that changes people and impacts people. Imagine if a whole home team did that, or if a whole church did that. That's where revival begins to happen. And I'm not talking church tent revival. I'm talking about lives in communities being changed, families being healed, needs being met, and hearts being mended. The members of that home team and the members of that church become the face of Jesus. When people start seeing who the real Jesus is, things happen. That's real revival.
I am so glad that this is part of Rockway's philosophy. I am so thankful that we emphasize community. I place a lot of value in authenticity, and I feel like we have that in my home team.
Anyway, I guess that is all. I have a lot to do and not much time to do it all. God is good. Can't wait to see what He has in store for our community.
In America we strive for independence, from financial independence to lifestyle independence. We always feel the need to do it on our own. If we can't make it on our own without leaning on anyone else then we are not successful in America. We want to be able to pull ourselves up by our boot straps. That is an anti-Christian mindset.
Following Jesus is admitting that you can't do it on your own. Following Jesus is realizing that you need help. I think this is where many of us in American Christian culture struggle. I have friends (and I'm not any different) that feel bad when they have to ask for help. I would much rather walk through the valley of the shadow of death with my friend than watch her walk through it on her own. I know that there is no way I prefer walking through a scary time by myself over walking through it with a friend.
The early church did life together. They ate together, shared time together, and took care of each other. When one of them had a need, then the group helped meet that need. Can you imagine if today's church was really like that? What a difference people would see in us if we really cared for each other, and not just for each other but for our neighbors next door and across the street. That statement, "They will know us by our love," is so true. It's based on what John writes in his first letter. If I live a life filled with Christ's love, that changes people and impacts people. Imagine if a whole home team did that, or if a whole church did that. That's where revival begins to happen. And I'm not talking church tent revival. I'm talking about lives in communities being changed, families being healed, needs being met, and hearts being mended. The members of that home team and the members of that church become the face of Jesus. When people start seeing who the real Jesus is, things happen. That's real revival.
I am so glad that this is part of Rockway's philosophy. I am so thankful that we emphasize community. I place a lot of value in authenticity, and I feel like we have that in my home team.
Anyway, I guess that is all. I have a lot to do and not much time to do it all. God is good. Can't wait to see what He has in store for our community.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Kyle
I must be married to the best guy in the world. Who else would take time out of his own day to come see a school program? That says a lot. God sure did pour out the blessings in my life when He put Kyle in it. We have fun. Life is good with him.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Alabama Football
Last night I watched the Alabama-LSU football game with Kyle, Joel, and Angela. It was great to spend time with my friends and family. The sad part was the game. I don't know if I can explain how much I love Alabama football. It is definitely a passion of mine. In fact tonight I pulled up some old Alabama football plays on YouTube. I know some would say that's lame, but that's just what I enjoy. I grew up watching games with my family. Maybe that's why I love the games so much. They mean more than just football. They mean years of hanging out with my dad and my brother and my uncles and cousins. (My mom was there too, but she doesn't get into it the same way.) I even remember the first time I ever prayed for Alabama to win a football game. It was the Arkansas game in 1993. I was at my grandparents' house. They were losing, but they had a chance to win towards the end. I went back to the "yellow room" and prayed the God would help them win. They lost.
I think even then, at the age of 13, I understood that God cared about the small things. Just because prayers aren't answered the way that we want them to be doesn't mean that they're not answered. I love it that I still remember that. God knows my heart. He knows that I loved Alabama football passionately at that age. He knew it was important to me, so it's good that I prayed about it.
God truly cares about me. God truly cares about my heart. God cares about the things that are important to me. It is pretty incredible to think that the God of the universe, the maker of the stars and the galaxies, the creator of all things beautiful, cares about me. I matter to Him.
As I've gotten older I still am very passionate about Alabama football, especially since I live in a different state now. But, I think that as I grow closer to God my heart changes. I still hope Alabama wins every single game. But, my heart is different now. I think about how passionate so many people in that stadium are for Alabama. I think about how everyone outside that stadium knows that there are exciting things going on because of all the screaming and yelling and cheering. Wouldn't it be great if we were that passionate about God? It would be incredible if I was so passionate about God that other people around me noticed. I don't know if my life screams Jesus.
I yell at the players when they don't do what I think they should do. I am so eager to point them in the right direction so they can score or hit the opposing player. In life there are people dying. We go to work and school with dying people. I need to care about their spiritual condition the way that I care about the running back dodging the lineman to run down the field and score.
Okay, so I've been writing this during the Dallas-Philly game, so I don't know if I've even made much sense. But, I did want to journal. God is good. He cares about me. He cares about people. I need to care about people the way that God does. This week I want to see people with God's eyes instead of my own. I want to hear the silent cries. I want to Jesus to be evident in my life.
I think even then, at the age of 13, I understood that God cared about the small things. Just because prayers aren't answered the way that we want them to be doesn't mean that they're not answered. I love it that I still remember that. God knows my heart. He knows that I loved Alabama football passionately at that age. He knew it was important to me, so it's good that I prayed about it.
God truly cares about me. God truly cares about my heart. God cares about the things that are important to me. It is pretty incredible to think that the God of the universe, the maker of the stars and the galaxies, the creator of all things beautiful, cares about me. I matter to Him.
As I've gotten older I still am very passionate about Alabama football, especially since I live in a different state now. But, I think that as I grow closer to God my heart changes. I still hope Alabama wins every single game. But, my heart is different now. I think about how passionate so many people in that stadium are for Alabama. I think about how everyone outside that stadium knows that there are exciting things going on because of all the screaming and yelling and cheering. Wouldn't it be great if we were that passionate about God? It would be incredible if I was so passionate about God that other people around me noticed. I don't know if my life screams Jesus.
I yell at the players when they don't do what I think they should do. I am so eager to point them in the right direction so they can score or hit the opposing player. In life there are people dying. We go to work and school with dying people. I need to care about their spiritual condition the way that I care about the running back dodging the lineman to run down the field and score.
Okay, so I've been writing this during the Dallas-Philly game, so I don't know if I've even made much sense. But, I did want to journal. God is good. He cares about me. He cares about people. I need to care about people the way that God does. This week I want to see people with God's eyes instead of my own. I want to hear the silent cries. I want to Jesus to be evident in my life.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
My Two Cents
This has nothing to do with anything going on in my life. I just feel like ranting a little bit right now. It probably doesn't help that I'm on steroids for my hives, so my emotions are on a roller coaster. It doesn't matter, though. My opinion is not dependent on whether or not I'm happy or sad.
So, the coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, Andy Reid, is under a lot of scrutiny right now. Two of his sons have been arrested for drug possession. I don't have all of the details. I just know the surface story. The thing that upsets me is the judge in this case. Montgomery County Judge Steven O'Neill said this was a "family in crisis." He also said that he didn't know if the boys should return home after their sentence was completed. He said, "There isn't any structure there that this court can depend on." Now, one could see why the judge would say this if the boys were teenagers. The parents were not providing a structured home environment to secure the safety and health of their children. This is not the case, however. These "boys" are 22 and 24 years old. They are adults. The parents at this point are not supposed to provide "structure" at home for their children. These young men are responsible for their own actions and responsible for providing their own structure at home. At this point in the lives of these young men, their parents can no longer be held responsible for the actions of their children.
I just feel like this judge knew that this was going to be a case that the public would be interested in. He knew that he would have the opportunity to be out in front of the nation with his rulings and his opinions. I do not feel like the judge was wise or ethical with his comments. In my opinion he abused his position. It just really burns me up to hear a comment like that.
Okay, there's my vent and my rant. I apologize. It just really made me mad to hear about this. I don't know Andy Reid. I don't even like the Philadelphia Eagles. But situations where people have been treated unfairly or unjustly burn me up.
I apologize if there are details about this case that I am unfamiliar with that would cause me to have a differing opinion. If you know something about it then please enlighten me.
So, the coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, Andy Reid, is under a lot of scrutiny right now. Two of his sons have been arrested for drug possession. I don't have all of the details. I just know the surface story. The thing that upsets me is the judge in this case. Montgomery County Judge Steven O'Neill said this was a "family in crisis." He also said that he didn't know if the boys should return home after their sentence was completed. He said, "There isn't any structure there that this court can depend on." Now, one could see why the judge would say this if the boys were teenagers. The parents were not providing a structured home environment to secure the safety and health of their children. This is not the case, however. These "boys" are 22 and 24 years old. They are adults. The parents at this point are not supposed to provide "structure" at home for their children. These young men are responsible for their own actions and responsible for providing their own structure at home. At this point in the lives of these young men, their parents can no longer be held responsible for the actions of their children.
I just feel like this judge knew that this was going to be a case that the public would be interested in. He knew that he would have the opportunity to be out in front of the nation with his rulings and his opinions. I do not feel like the judge was wise or ethical with his comments. In my opinion he abused his position. It just really burns me up to hear a comment like that.
Okay, there's my vent and my rant. I apologize. It just really made me mad to hear about this. I don't know Andy Reid. I don't even like the Philadelphia Eagles. But situations where people have been treated unfairly or unjustly burn me up.
I apologize if there are details about this case that I am unfamiliar with that would cause me to have a differing opinion. If you know something about it then please enlighten me.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Helping the Hurting
I wish that we were all willing to be helped and held when we are hurting and in need.
I wish that we never felt like we had to do life on our own.
I wish that culture didn't tell us that we have to be strong and independent in order to be successful.
I wish we didn't believe all of the lies culture tells us.
So, if you read this, then please reach out to the hurting. Also, if you are hurting, be willing to accept help from your friends. Let your friends love you. You don't have to do it on your own. You will never be able to do it on your own.
Christ is in me. I can't do it on my own. I can't help a friend on my own. But, if my friend needs someone to lean on, it is Christ in me that is strong. It is Christ in me that my friend can depend on. It is Christ in me that loves my friend through thick and thin. It is Christ in me.
I wish that we never felt like we had to do life on our own.
I wish that culture didn't tell us that we have to be strong and independent in order to be successful.
I wish we didn't believe all of the lies culture tells us.
So, if you read this, then please reach out to the hurting. Also, if you are hurting, be willing to accept help from your friends. Let your friends love you. You don't have to do it on your own. You will never be able to do it on your own.
Christ is in me. I can't do it on my own. I can't help a friend on my own. But, if my friend needs someone to lean on, it is Christ in me that is strong. It is Christ in me that my friend can depend on. It is Christ in me that loves my friend through thick and thin. It is Christ in me.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Update--Just for Jennifer =)
I am feeling good tonight. We paid off the last of our credit card debt just a few hours ago. We are past Baby Step 1 and Baby Step 2 in Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University! Woo hoo! I actually feel safe right now because we have a budget. I'm really excited to see the way that our finances look five to ten years from now. Sometimes during those classes I feel like an idiot because I don't always completely understand the details of investments and the ins and outs of insurance, but we're going to just keep plugging away and sticking to our course.
I actually was just looking in my Bible for a verse from our class that talks about that principle. I found a different one instead. Proverbs 16:9 says "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." I thought it was rather ironic that that is the verse I turned to. I have made many, many plans in my young twenty-seven years. I have always been a motivated planner. I'm not the best at keeping the plan completely organized, but I know the plan and I follow the rules. When I wanted to lose weight last year, I followed the rules and I lost twenty pounds. When I became pregnant I cut out the caffeine and the diet soda because that's the rule. I don't get traffic tickets because I follow the rules. Kyle and I are doing Dave Ramsey, and we follow all the rules. I am a great rule follower. Sometimes, though, my best laid plans and rules are not going to get the results that I want. That's sometimes a hard thing to realize. No matter how hard I try, sometimes I just can't do it on my own. In fact, I'm learning that I never can do it on my own. My plans, no matter how big and mighty, might not be the best plans. God's plans are the best plans. So, I may plan out my life (you know, get pregnant, have the baby right before TAKS testing, have maternity leave that goes straight into summer vacation), but God has a better plan.
Please don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that God wanted our baby to die. I'm just saying that God is going to use whatever happens in Kyle's life and my life to make his name known. Kyle and I may never have a baby. That might just be the plan. And please don't write off my musings as the ramblings of a negative person. I am just speaking truth. Kyle and I may have lots of babies (Heaven helps us!). We don't know. As much as I like to know the plan, as much as I like to follow the rules, there is a great beauty in letting go. There is a great freedom in knowing that I don't have to take on the burden. So, for right now, I'm going to sit back, talk to God, love His people, and enjoy the ride that is life. Sometimes you hear people tell the story about how your life is a tapestry being woven by God, and when you get to the end, you look back and see that even the difficult and seemingly ugly parts weave to form a beautiful picture. Maybe it's bigger than that. Maybe it's about how Kyle's life weaves into my life and my life weaves into someone else's and so on. Maybe it's one giant tapestry throughout mankind. Maybe God's trying to weave a tapestry to show how holy and awesome and powerful and mighty and great He is. Maybe this tapestry is a beautiful piece showing how God loves each of us, showing His pursuit of us. I don't know. I hope that my theology is not off. Kyle, if it is, then let me know. I want to think rightly about God.
Anyway, that was a long post. And Jennifer, it was for you. There's our discussion on the couch for today. I'll talk to you later on this week. =)
I actually was just looking in my Bible for a verse from our class that talks about that principle. I found a different one instead. Proverbs 16:9 says "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." I thought it was rather ironic that that is the verse I turned to. I have made many, many plans in my young twenty-seven years. I have always been a motivated planner. I'm not the best at keeping the plan completely organized, but I know the plan and I follow the rules. When I wanted to lose weight last year, I followed the rules and I lost twenty pounds. When I became pregnant I cut out the caffeine and the diet soda because that's the rule. I don't get traffic tickets because I follow the rules. Kyle and I are doing Dave Ramsey, and we follow all the rules. I am a great rule follower. Sometimes, though, my best laid plans and rules are not going to get the results that I want. That's sometimes a hard thing to realize. No matter how hard I try, sometimes I just can't do it on my own. In fact, I'm learning that I never can do it on my own. My plans, no matter how big and mighty, might not be the best plans. God's plans are the best plans. So, I may plan out my life (you know, get pregnant, have the baby right before TAKS testing, have maternity leave that goes straight into summer vacation), but God has a better plan.
Please don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that God wanted our baby to die. I'm just saying that God is going to use whatever happens in Kyle's life and my life to make his name known. Kyle and I may never have a baby. That might just be the plan. And please don't write off my musings as the ramblings of a negative person. I am just speaking truth. Kyle and I may have lots of babies (Heaven helps us!). We don't know. As much as I like to know the plan, as much as I like to follow the rules, there is a great beauty in letting go. There is a great freedom in knowing that I don't have to take on the burden. So, for right now, I'm going to sit back, talk to God, love His people, and enjoy the ride that is life. Sometimes you hear people tell the story about how your life is a tapestry being woven by God, and when you get to the end, you look back and see that even the difficult and seemingly ugly parts weave to form a beautiful picture. Maybe it's bigger than that. Maybe it's about how Kyle's life weaves into my life and my life weaves into someone else's and so on. Maybe it's one giant tapestry throughout mankind. Maybe God's trying to weave a tapestry to show how holy and awesome and powerful and mighty and great He is. Maybe this tapestry is a beautiful piece showing how God loves each of us, showing His pursuit of us. I don't know. I hope that my theology is not off. Kyle, if it is, then let me know. I want to think rightly about God.
Anyway, that was a long post. And Jennifer, it was for you. There's our discussion on the couch for today. I'll talk to you later on this week. =)
Monday, October 15, 2007
Back in the Workout Saddle
I went back to my workout class today at the Y. I didn't get to workout this past week just because of the hectic week we had, but I had been running and doing the elliptical machine before that for about a week and a half. I love the way excercise makes me feel. I always feel like I can beat up somebody or play a real sport when I get done. It just makes me feel good.
However, at the start of class today, I could see myself in the mirror. It just felt gross to see myself and think that I'm back to square one. I hate that feeling. It's just disheartening.
However, at the start of class today, I could see myself in the mirror. It just felt gross to see myself and think that I'm back to square one. I hate that feeling. It's just disheartening.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Support System
My husband is too good to me. I can't believe how good God is to me sometimes. He really blessed me when He gave me Kyle. Kyle is such a good and Godly man. He knows how to love me and how to take care of me. I just can't get over how blessed I am. I think we're going to the fair tomorrow. There is no one else that I would rather hang out with than my husband. We have fun together, and it's so obvious that Jesus is in him. I know that is what I love about him. Christ is so obvious in his life that it just overflows into the way he treats people and loves people.
Today was a hard day. I think that with so much going on this week (no free night at home), I have just been tired. Tired and emotional don't mix well. I haven't been as patient or as merciful. That bothers me. When you're under pressure, you see what's really on the inside. I didn't like what came out today. I have such a great support system, though. I know that there are many people out there praying for me. By the way, Kelli Bishop, if you read this, your comments have meant so much to me. When I read your comment about how your discipleship group prayed for me, I couldn't help but cry. Thank you for being aware of what the Holy Spirit is telling you. He knew I needed prayer.
I'm so glad that God has a bigger and better plan than my own. I know that I can't do this on my own. I know that I can't make the right things happen on my own. I just trust that God is going to take care of everything. I can't do anything about any of this. I just have to do what I know is right, and let God be in control.
I think I'm going to bed. It's too late to be up right now. I want to snuggle with my husband. I love him too much to just let him sit in his chair and be lonely. I think his arms are calling my name.
Today was a hard day. I think that with so much going on this week (no free night at home), I have just been tired. Tired and emotional don't mix well. I haven't been as patient or as merciful. That bothers me. When you're under pressure, you see what's really on the inside. I didn't like what came out today. I have such a great support system, though. I know that there are many people out there praying for me. By the way, Kelli Bishop, if you read this, your comments have meant so much to me. When I read your comment about how your discipleship group prayed for me, I couldn't help but cry. Thank you for being aware of what the Holy Spirit is telling you. He knew I needed prayer.
I'm so glad that God has a bigger and better plan than my own. I know that I can't do this on my own. I know that I can't make the right things happen on my own. I just trust that God is going to take care of everything. I can't do anything about any of this. I just have to do what I know is right, and let God be in control.
I think I'm going to bed. It's too late to be up right now. I want to snuggle with my husband. I love him too much to just let him sit in his chair and be lonely. I think his arms are calling my name.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Cleansing Tears
Tonight I have been sad. In my urgency to help friends in need the past couple of weeks, I have felt the need to be strong. Even though no one has said this or even hinted at it, I have felt pressure (maybe even from within myself) to move on and get over it. I just can't do it tonight. I need to cry. I need to be sad. I need to mourn. Sometimes it's hard to feel the freedom to do that. My Aunt Lecia told me that tears are cleansing. Tonight I need to be cleansed.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
I Got Tagged
My friend Kelli Bishop tagged me. So, I guess I have to fill this out. Normally I don't do things like this, but since it's about Kyle, I think I'll probably enjoy it. My answers probably won't be as sweet as Kelli's were about Ryan. I'm a little sleepy right now, so I'm having a hard time concentrating. It was good to see them on Friday. Hopefully they'll come back and visit soon, or we'll head up to Louisville to visit.
1. Who is your man? Aaron Kyle Walker. He goes by the name Kyle.
2. How long have you been together? Well, if you count dating, then five years, three months, and five days. If you are only counting marriage then four years, three months, and eighteen days.
3. How long did you date? We dated long distance for five months. We were only in the same town for three weeks.
4. How old is your man? Let's see, I'm 27, so Kyle's 28.
5. Who eats more? Well, I think at dinner and lunch Kyle eats more, but if we're talking snacks, then I'm the winner.
6. Who said "I love you" first? Kyle was the one, but I quickly followed within seconds.
7. Who is taller? Kyle is taller, but when I wear my four inch heels we're eye-to-eye.
8. Who sings better? I guess I would say I do. Unless we're talking who sings better in the shower or who sings the best in an obnoxious way. Then it would be Kyle. =)
9. Who is smarter? Ooh, Kyle would say I am, but he's smarter than me in a lot of ways.
10. Whose temper is worse? Probably me. Kyle thinks he has rage, but I never see it. He's too kind to be full of anger.
11. Who does the laundry? That would be Kyle, most of the time. He spoils me rotten.
12. Who takes out the garbage? That would be Kyle, again. I'm telling you, he spoils me.
13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? I'm on the right side if you're in the bed. But it's weird, that's only when we're at our house. If we go somewhere else, we might switch sides without even realizing it.
14. Who pays the bills? Since we started Dave Ramsey, we both do.
15. Who is better with the computer? My man. He's incredible.
16. Who mows the lawn? Kyle does. I am forever thankful for that, too.
17. Who cooks dinner? I cook dinner most of the time. Kyle does dishes. We make a great team.
18. Who drives when you are together? Kyle drives most of the time, especially at night.
19. Who pays when you go out? Probably me, only because I've been holding onto the cash envelopes lately. I paid most of the time when we were dating. I'm his sugar momma. =)
20. Who is most stubborn? I win, I win! I am absolutely the most stubborn person in my house! He didn't believe me before we got married, but now he knows!
21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? I wish it was me, but it's probably Kyle. Since I'm the stubborn one, and I think I'm always right, so I'm less likely to admit I'm wrong. I'm working on it, though.
22. Whose parents do you see the most? We are blessed enough to live about ten miles away from Kyle's parents. We see them more often just because of location.
23. Who kissed who first? Kyle asked me if he could kiss me, and of course I said yes. I had been waiting!
24. Who asked who out? Kyle asked me out.
25. Who proposed? Kyle asked me to marry him. It was all a complete surprise. I had no idea it was coming. I'm just very gullible.
26. Who is more sensitive? I get my feelings hurt more easily, but Kyle is more sensitive to the needs and hearts of others. He is amazing.
27. Who has more friends? Probably Kyle. He is very likeable, and he makes me look good.
28. Who has more siblings? Kyle has two brothers, and I only have one.
29. Who wears the pants in the family? Kyle, I hope. Especially when it comes to make major decisions. I'm so glad that he has to do it, not me!
30. What's your favorite thing about your man? I sound like I'm copying Kelli, but for Kyle it's true. I love the way he loves people. He is the type of person who genuinely cares about others and their needs. I also love his sense of humor. He makes me laugh more than anyone I know. There are so many more things that I love about Kyle. He's just steady for me. I'm so blessed that I get to spend the rest of my life with hm.
1. Who is your man? Aaron Kyle Walker. He goes by the name Kyle.
2. How long have you been together? Well, if you count dating, then five years, three months, and five days. If you are only counting marriage then four years, three months, and eighteen days.
3. How long did you date? We dated long distance for five months. We were only in the same town for three weeks.
4. How old is your man? Let's see, I'm 27, so Kyle's 28.
5. Who eats more? Well, I think at dinner and lunch Kyle eats more, but if we're talking snacks, then I'm the winner.
6. Who said "I love you" first? Kyle was the one, but I quickly followed within seconds.
7. Who is taller? Kyle is taller, but when I wear my four inch heels we're eye-to-eye.
8. Who sings better? I guess I would say I do. Unless we're talking who sings better in the shower or who sings the best in an obnoxious way. Then it would be Kyle. =)
9. Who is smarter? Ooh, Kyle would say I am, but he's smarter than me in a lot of ways.
10. Whose temper is worse? Probably me. Kyle thinks he has rage, but I never see it. He's too kind to be full of anger.
11. Who does the laundry? That would be Kyle, most of the time. He spoils me rotten.
12. Who takes out the garbage? That would be Kyle, again. I'm telling you, he spoils me.
13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? I'm on the right side if you're in the bed. But it's weird, that's only when we're at our house. If we go somewhere else, we might switch sides without even realizing it.
14. Who pays the bills? Since we started Dave Ramsey, we both do.
15. Who is better with the computer? My man. He's incredible.
16. Who mows the lawn? Kyle does. I am forever thankful for that, too.
17. Who cooks dinner? I cook dinner most of the time. Kyle does dishes. We make a great team.
18. Who drives when you are together? Kyle drives most of the time, especially at night.
19. Who pays when you go out? Probably me, only because I've been holding onto the cash envelopes lately. I paid most of the time when we were dating. I'm his sugar momma. =)
20. Who is most stubborn? I win, I win! I am absolutely the most stubborn person in my house! He didn't believe me before we got married, but now he knows!
21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? I wish it was me, but it's probably Kyle. Since I'm the stubborn one, and I think I'm always right, so I'm less likely to admit I'm wrong. I'm working on it, though.
22. Whose parents do you see the most? We are blessed enough to live about ten miles away from Kyle's parents. We see them more often just because of location.
23. Who kissed who first? Kyle asked me if he could kiss me, and of course I said yes. I had been waiting!
24. Who asked who out? Kyle asked me out.
25. Who proposed? Kyle asked me to marry him. It was all a complete surprise. I had no idea it was coming. I'm just very gullible.
26. Who is more sensitive? I get my feelings hurt more easily, but Kyle is more sensitive to the needs and hearts of others. He is amazing.
27. Who has more friends? Probably Kyle. He is very likeable, and he makes me look good.
28. Who has more siblings? Kyle has two brothers, and I only have one.
29. Who wears the pants in the family? Kyle, I hope. Especially when it comes to make major decisions. I'm so glad that he has to do it, not me!
30. What's your favorite thing about your man? I sound like I'm copying Kelli, but for Kyle it's true. I love the way he loves people. He is the type of person who genuinely cares about others and their needs. I also love his sense of humor. He makes me laugh more than anyone I know. There are so many more things that I love about Kyle. He's just steady for me. I'm so blessed that I get to spend the rest of my life with hm.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Uneventful Evening
Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment. I'm a little nervous about what he is going to say or tell us. I'm also nervous about crying. The doctor is probably used to that, though. We'll see what he has to say. God's plan is right, no matter what. I can follow His plan even if it's not what I thought it would be. So, if anyone reads this tonight or tomorrow, please pray that all will go well. I still have hives, and we would like to see if we could visit an endocrinologist to have my thyroid checked out.
On a completely different note, Tony Romo has four interceptions so far in this Cowboys game. That's not good. I told Kyle that Romo's cocky enough to pull through, though. Kyle's pretty nervous right now. I can see him from where I'm sitting. He's just standing in front of the tv swaying back and forth. He'll start to raise his fist to be happy then put it down if the play doesn't turn out the way he wanted. He of course is wearing that Dallas Cowboys shirt. I have to get him a new one. He wears that thing every week. I am glad that he wears it, but some variety might help. I'll need to add more money to our clothes budget next month so I can get him a new shirt.
He's a good husband. I am so blessed. Not many people can say that about their spouse. He's just good to me. He shows me Jesus by the way he lives his life. That makes me love him more.
On a completely different note, Tony Romo has four interceptions so far in this Cowboys game. That's not good. I told Kyle that Romo's cocky enough to pull through, though. Kyle's pretty nervous right now. I can see him from where I'm sitting. He's just standing in front of the tv swaying back and forth. He'll start to raise his fist to be happy then put it down if the play doesn't turn out the way he wanted. He of course is wearing that Dallas Cowboys shirt. I have to get him a new one. He wears that thing every week. I am glad that he wears it, but some variety might help. I'll need to add more money to our clothes budget next month so I can get him a new shirt.
He's a good husband. I am so blessed. Not many people can say that about their spouse. He's just good to me. He shows me Jesus by the way he lives his life. That makes me love him more.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Week in review
This week has been a tale of two halves. The first half of the week was very challenging. There were many tears. The second half of the week definitely had more hope. There were still tears, but they were different tears.
Last night I went out to dinner with two friends. We had a great time. We did fondue, so it took a long time. It was just good to talk together and cry together. It was just a good night. Not to mention the food was so yummy, especially the chocolate. We had the pecan caramel chocolate blend, and it was just divine. I could have wallowed in that stuff.
Yesterday I saw one of my co-workers. She was three weeks ahead of me, I think, in our pregnancies. She's beginning to show. It was the first time that I saw a pregnant belly and had a twinge of jealousy and pain. I have heard that is actually very common. I'm still very happy for the people that I work with that are pregnant. Children are such a blessing, and these ladies that I work with are so sweet and kind. They are the type of people that should be having children because they're such good mothers. I hope that one day I'll fall into that category.
As soon as we found out we were pregnant we began looking for updates online to see how much the baby had grown this week, or how big the baby should be, or what organs developed this week. As soon as I got home that Tuesday that we found out that the baby had died I tried to unsubscribe us from those e-mail updates. We still get them, though. Apparently I didn't do it the right way. Yesterday there was an e-mail saying how big the baby was at 14 weeks. It was very sad for me to see that. My doctor's appointment is on Tuesday. It will be interesting to hear what he has to say about trying again. Initially Kyle and I were both very nervous about becoming parents and having a family. I was honestly nervous about losing time with him. Now I feel selfish for ever feeling that way. I know how Kyle and I are. I know that we'll still make time for us. I know that we'll both stumble our way through parenthood making mistakes and learning from them, hopefully. I just want to get that opportunity.
Anyway, I trust God. I think that even though this has been the hardest thing that we've ever gone through, we have been supported by so many people. We have been cared for by the hands of Jesus because we are surrounded by people who love Him. That reminds me of my life as a Christian. It's not a job to love people. It's not a job to care for people. It's just who we should be in Christ. Because the character of Christ loves and cares for people, and Christ is in me, then it is part of my character to love and care for people. Please continue to pray us through this. Please continue to pray that Christ in me will be obvious to the people I know and love and meet on a daily basis.
Last night I went out to dinner with two friends. We had a great time. We did fondue, so it took a long time. It was just good to talk together and cry together. It was just a good night. Not to mention the food was so yummy, especially the chocolate. We had the pecan caramel chocolate blend, and it was just divine. I could have wallowed in that stuff.
Yesterday I saw one of my co-workers. She was three weeks ahead of me, I think, in our pregnancies. She's beginning to show. It was the first time that I saw a pregnant belly and had a twinge of jealousy and pain. I have heard that is actually very common. I'm still very happy for the people that I work with that are pregnant. Children are such a blessing, and these ladies that I work with are so sweet and kind. They are the type of people that should be having children because they're such good mothers. I hope that one day I'll fall into that category.
As soon as we found out we were pregnant we began looking for updates online to see how much the baby had grown this week, or how big the baby should be, or what organs developed this week. As soon as I got home that Tuesday that we found out that the baby had died I tried to unsubscribe us from those e-mail updates. We still get them, though. Apparently I didn't do it the right way. Yesterday there was an e-mail saying how big the baby was at 14 weeks. It was very sad for me to see that. My doctor's appointment is on Tuesday. It will be interesting to hear what he has to say about trying again. Initially Kyle and I were both very nervous about becoming parents and having a family. I was honestly nervous about losing time with him. Now I feel selfish for ever feeling that way. I know how Kyle and I are. I know that we'll still make time for us. I know that we'll both stumble our way through parenthood making mistakes and learning from them, hopefully. I just want to get that opportunity.
Anyway, I trust God. I think that even though this has been the hardest thing that we've ever gone through, we have been supported by so many people. We have been cared for by the hands of Jesus because we are surrounded by people who love Him. That reminds me of my life as a Christian. It's not a job to love people. It's not a job to care for people. It's just who we should be in Christ. Because the character of Christ loves and cares for people, and Christ is in me, then it is part of my character to love and care for people. Please continue to pray us through this. Please continue to pray that Christ in me will be obvious to the people I know and love and meet on a daily basis.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Head vs. Heart
Last night Kyle and I took a great walk. We talked about how this whole experience feels like a battle between our heads and our hearts. In my head I know that everything will be okay. In my head I know that God is faithful and that He has a perfect plan. My heart just can't move as quickly as my head can. My head seems to want to move through the grieving process quickly, while my heart wants to sit and mourn for a little while longer. I think this is normal, though. I can kind of compare it to faith. I have faith and know that God is real and that He has changed my life, but I don't always feel His presence. Fortunately the Bible tells me over and over that I can know God and how I can know that I belong to Him even though I might not always feel that way.
Tonight has been the best night since the miscarriage. It's probably the most hopeful I have felt in a week. God has blessed me with a wonderful husband that knows how to be there for me. He doesn't have to be strong or tough, I just like it that he is here to hold my hand. We're going to hold hands and walk through this trial together. There is hope.
"To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy which so powerfully works in me."
Colossians 1:27-29
The phrase I keep thinking of is "Christ in you, the hope of glory." That pops in my head many times each day. But then when I went back and read the rest of the verses, it made me realize that the whole "Christ in me" part is what's going to make the difference in the lives of my friends and neighbors and other people I meet. I can't make a difference on my own, but with Christ in me, I don't have to worry. He changes people. That is a very good thing.
Tonight has been the best night since the miscarriage. It's probably the most hopeful I have felt in a week. God has blessed me with a wonderful husband that knows how to be there for me. He doesn't have to be strong or tough, I just like it that he is here to hold my hand. We're going to hold hands and walk through this trial together. There is hope.
"To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy which so powerfully works in me."
Colossians 1:27-29
The phrase I keep thinking of is "Christ in you, the hope of glory." That pops in my head many times each day. But then when I went back and read the rest of the verses, it made me realize that the whole "Christ in me" part is what's going to make the difference in the lives of my friends and neighbors and other people I meet. I can't make a difference on my own, but with Christ in me, I don't have to worry. He changes people. That is a very good thing.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
New Day
Today was hard, too. I don't know why, but I guess I expected that each day would be a little easier. I don't think it happens that way, though.
I continue to hear stories from friends and acquaintances about how a miscarriage has affected their lives. Not all of them have happy endings. I almost think that it is good for me to hear that. I think that it still reminds me that God works in ways that we are not guaranteed to understand.
Like I've said earlier, I think that God can use this experience to show other people how great He is. Today I think God gave me a little bit more peace about that. I don't want to reveal too many details, but I am beginning to think that a friend of mine might be just a little bit more open to God today than he/she was last month. I just pray that God will continue to use this situation in our lives to bring Himself glory.
So if you have been praying for Kyle and me, please continue. But also please pray for our friends that don't know Jesus. I want them to know Christ and the power of his resurrection.
I continue to hear stories from friends and acquaintances about how a miscarriage has affected their lives. Not all of them have happy endings. I almost think that it is good for me to hear that. I think that it still reminds me that God works in ways that we are not guaranteed to understand.
Like I've said earlier, I think that God can use this experience to show other people how great He is. Today I think God gave me a little bit more peace about that. I don't want to reveal too many details, but I am beginning to think that a friend of mine might be just a little bit more open to God today than he/she was last month. I just pray that God will continue to use this situation in our lives to bring Himself glory.
So if you have been praying for Kyle and me, please continue. But also please pray for our friends that don't know Jesus. I want them to know Christ and the power of his resurrection.
Monday, October 1, 2007
One More Thing
I took a great run tonight. I listened to my music. For running I can't seem to use worship music, I have to use pop and rock. I really enjoy running. It clears my head and makes me feel healthy, especially since I really enjoy those chocolate chip cookies or brownies and ice cream here and there.
When I got back home I sat in the bed of Kyle's truck and listened to a couple of songs. They are songs that I think really mean a lot to me right now. One is "The Glory of It All" by David Crowder. It is an incredible song. Kyle and I always wanted our marriage to be for God's glory. This song reminds me of that. I know that everything that I do throughout each day should be done for the glory of God.
I also listened to "You Are God Alone." This is absolutely one of my favorite worship songs. I love all the verses, the chorus, and the bridge. The chorus says, "You are God alone. From before time began you were on your throne. You are God alone. And right now in the good times and bad you are on your throne. You are God alone." It reminds me of the reading we've been doing in home teams from 1 John 1 where he talks about Jesus being from the beginning, also tying back to John 1. He is from the beginning, before the beginning, and He is always. That is an unfathomable thought for me.
The last one was Matt Redman's "You Never Let Go." Now I will admit I've never been a Matt Redman fan. Kyle really likes him. But the verses in this song are taken straight from scripture. It's great for me to listen to because it reminds me of God's promises. His perfect love drives out all fear. He never lets go of me.
It's awesome to know that in my weakness (which I have a lot of), God is strong. That's a good thing.
When I got back home I sat in the bed of Kyle's truck and listened to a couple of songs. They are songs that I think really mean a lot to me right now. One is "The Glory of It All" by David Crowder. It is an incredible song. Kyle and I always wanted our marriage to be for God's glory. This song reminds me of that. I know that everything that I do throughout each day should be done for the glory of God.
I also listened to "You Are God Alone." This is absolutely one of my favorite worship songs. I love all the verses, the chorus, and the bridge. The chorus says, "You are God alone. From before time began you were on your throne. You are God alone. And right now in the good times and bad you are on your throne. You are God alone." It reminds me of the reading we've been doing in home teams from 1 John 1 where he talks about Jesus being from the beginning, also tying back to John 1. He is from the beginning, before the beginning, and He is always. That is an unfathomable thought for me.
The last one was Matt Redman's "You Never Let Go." Now I will admit I've never been a Matt Redman fan. Kyle really likes him. But the verses in this song are taken straight from scripture. It's great for me to listen to because it reminds me of God's promises. His perfect love drives out all fear. He never lets go of me.
It's awesome to know that in my weakness (which I have a lot of), God is strong. That's a good thing.
Jump In
Today was my first day back to school since our miscarriage. God has blessed me with such an awesome team of teachers. They really look out for me. My partner teacher, Toni, took my kids for a good part of the day so I could catch up on plans and grades. They all took care of me today.
Yesterday I went to church. That was hard, but I made it through. I guess I never really expected something like this to happen, and then I also never expected it to be as hard as it is. Last night at home team we had the Lord's Supper. I couldn't help but think back to the last Lord's Supper I participated in. It was the night before I found out I was pregnant. I was actually really upset that night because I had really bad hives and no idea why. The articles I had read on the internet (of course an always reliable source) said that sometimes hives were the sign of infertility. So, I was really nervous that maybe I was infertile. That night Kyle and I actually prayed that we would give God control no matter what and that we would rejoice no matter what. The next day I took the pregnancy test, and it was positive. I am sure that the night before when we were praying God was smiling at us saying, "You just wait." So, last night when we took the Lord's Supper, I could honestly tell God that I know He has a plan, even though I have no idea what it is. I could honestly admit that God will take care of us and provide, even if we never have a baby.
I don't know what the future holds. I do know that I am called to minister to the kids in my classroom every day. I take joy in that. I love what I do. I know that I am called to minister to my fellow teachers, even though they are ministering to me right now. God has a great and mighty plan. I can't wait to see what He does in my life, in Kyle's life, and the lives of the people around us.
Yesterday I went to church. That was hard, but I made it through. I guess I never really expected something like this to happen, and then I also never expected it to be as hard as it is. Last night at home team we had the Lord's Supper. I couldn't help but think back to the last Lord's Supper I participated in. It was the night before I found out I was pregnant. I was actually really upset that night because I had really bad hives and no idea why. The articles I had read on the internet (of course an always reliable source) said that sometimes hives were the sign of infertility. So, I was really nervous that maybe I was infertile. That night Kyle and I actually prayed that we would give God control no matter what and that we would rejoice no matter what. The next day I took the pregnancy test, and it was positive. I am sure that the night before when we were praying God was smiling at us saying, "You just wait." So, last night when we took the Lord's Supper, I could honestly tell God that I know He has a plan, even though I have no idea what it is. I could honestly admit that God will take care of us and provide, even if we never have a baby.
I don't know what the future holds. I do know that I am called to minister to the kids in my classroom every day. I take joy in that. I love what I do. I know that I am called to minister to my fellow teachers, even though they are ministering to me right now. God has a great and mighty plan. I can't wait to see what He does in my life, in Kyle's life, and the lives of the people around us.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Loss
It's hard to lose someone you love. Whether through a break-up, a move, or a death. Kyle and I lost our baby this week twelve weeks into our pregnancy. It's been a very difficult experience for both of us. I really don't understand why things like this happen. I know that we are definitely not the only people that something like this has happened to. So many friends and family have poured out love on us and shared their stories of loss. There are many stories of tragedy and heartache.
I told Kyle that I feel like it would be wrong if I looked at this situation just by how it effects me. I know without a doubt that God can use something like this to make His name great. As much as I want to be pregnant, and as much as I miss our baby, I know that God can use this for His glory. If how Kyle and I handle this shows friends of ours how great our God is, then it is worth it. Even if we never see how God uses this to show His glory, I trust that He is in control and that His plan is better than my own.
Kyle and I will grieve. We will struggle and cry and pray our way through this. We do know that we have happy days ahead. Whether that's through another pregnancy or a different plan, we don't know. I know that God is good. I know I can trust Him. He has proven Himself over and over in my life and in my husband's life. I know who God is, and I know who He will always be. He is faithful. He is infinite. He is love. God will provide healing and peace in our lives, and someday we'll be able to use this to minister to others.
I told Kyle that I feel like it would be wrong if I looked at this situation just by how it effects me. I know without a doubt that God can use something like this to make His name great. As much as I want to be pregnant, and as much as I miss our baby, I know that God can use this for His glory. If how Kyle and I handle this shows friends of ours how great our God is, then it is worth it. Even if we never see how God uses this to show His glory, I trust that He is in control and that His plan is better than my own.
Kyle and I will grieve. We will struggle and cry and pray our way through this. We do know that we have happy days ahead. Whether that's through another pregnancy or a different plan, we don't know. I know that God is good. I know I can trust Him. He has proven Himself over and over in my life and in my husband's life. I know who God is, and I know who He will always be. He is faithful. He is infinite. He is love. God will provide healing and peace in our lives, and someday we'll be able to use this to minister to others.
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