hope

Today I have this great sense of hope. I can't explain why because I don't know why. I went to the grocery store to get some supplies for a cake, and the clerk said that I look happy. I thought that was really odd to hear, but as I was leaving I realized that I had been smiling throughout the store. I probably looked like a fool. Who walks through the grocery store by herself smiling? It doesn't matter, though. I do feel good today.

One of Kyle's responsibilities with church is to write the home team curriculum. He looks at the pastor's notes for Sunday's sermon, then picks out a new passage of Scripture that covers the same topic. This week Keith's sermon is on fear. Kyle has picked out Psalm 34 to study with home teams. I'm so glad that he and I started memorizing that passage. On Monday I was very sad and blue. This week was the six month mark of the miscarriage, and our due date is one week away from today. Needless to say, it's been a challenging week. But as Kyle and I lay in bed on Monday night, I started quoting Psalm 34 through my tears. It's a great reminder that God cares, listens, and satisfies. He sustains me.

So the hope that I have today is not from me. It's from my God. He gives rest to the weary, care to the hurting, and hope to the hopeless. He is the only one who can do that. He is worthy to be praised.

effort

Some days I love my job. This year it's been harder to say that. But some days, I absolutely LOVE it because there is no doubt that it's what I'm meant to do.

I have been tutoring students in small groups lately even more than normal. My co-teacher and I have figured out a way for us to each tutor for an hour and a half two days a week rather than just thirty minutes each. I tutor on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so today was my day to meet for intense small group instruction.

There is one girl in my class who consistently puts forth an effort. This girl is trying hard every time she walks in the classroom door, and she's excited to be there--for tutoring! How many children are actually excited that they have to be tutored? She comes in smiling and ready to put for an amazing effort to improve. Her mom actually told me at open house that her daughter doesn't like to read, but ever since she's been in my class she wants to read at home. It makes me feel incredible to know that she has been impacted this way. I honestly don't think it's anything I've truly done. I just try to communicate my love of reading to my whole entire class. I tell them about the books I'm reading and get excited about the books I'm going to read to them.

As I write about this girl, I can't help but think about my Jesus. I truly do love to read, and it's obvious to my students. I truly do love my Jesus, and I hope that it's just as obvious to my coworkers as my love for reading is to my students. But see, it's my job to teach the students to become better readers, to prepare them for adulthood. But it's an even greater call on my life to glorify God and have more people love Him and glorify Him. I don't know if I talk about Jesus to my friends the way that I talk about books to my students. I don't know if my eyes light up when I talk about the things that Jesus has done in my life, if I even talk about that enough to my friends.

Life is short. I know it's silly, but if you've read Kyle's blog you'll see this about me. I can be, well, a little cluttered. One of my biggest fears, honestly, is that I will die suddenly while my room is messy. Someone will come in to help Kyle out and see that I didn't pick up my laundry that day or put up my make-up or put away my blow dryer and hair straightener. Rather than worrying about things like that, I need to have a spiritual mindset about my friends. Not only is my life short, but their lives are short too. I'm not guaranteed tomorrow to be with my friend. Every day counts. Every smile, every tear, every kind word, every piece of gossip, every hug, everything matters. I make a huge effort every day to help my students love reading, to help my students prepare for life, to help my students pass TAKS. I just hope that I make more of an effort to be Jesus to the people around me. That's real life. That's eternal.

two weeks

Today a friend of mine at work told me that her sister and brother in law are pregnant again. They just had a miscarriage last month, but immediately got pregnant afterwards, had a sonogram, and saw the heartbeat at six weeks. They feel like it's okay to tell everyone now that they saw the heartbeat. Normally it would make my heart twinge to hear that they got pregnant again so quickly. Today was different. It made me sad. It broke me.

Kyle and I saw our baby's heartbeat, too, at eight weeks. We thought it was safe to tell people at ten weeks. We found out the baby had died at twelve weeks. Our baby would be due in less than two weeks now. We'll never know if it was a boy or a girl. We'll never know the joy of holding that baby in our arms this side of heaven. It's been difficult lately to see the swollen bellies of other pregnant women. I envy that. I ache for that. It's hard not to feel like it should be me. Today is the first time in a few months that I have felt hopeless.

I know that I should expect the next couple of weeks to feel that way. I know that I should even expect the couple of weeks after that to feel the same, knowing that we should now have a baby at home waking us up at night, depriving us of wanted sleep, but adding a new joy to our lives.

I'm still not sure where this road leads. I know that the past four and a half years of marriage with Kyle have been incredible. I wouldn't trade that time at all. I do know that I always thought our road would lead to children. We'll see. God knows. Normally I'm okay with the not knowing part. Today, I will admit, it's much harder. Today the not knowing is hurting deeply.

stress

I have been stressed lately. Between TAKS and other things going on, I have found little time to date my husband. I think that dating my husband is a stress relief for me. We're going to take care of that, though. Kyle and I are going to Fredericksburg next Sunday through Tuesday. We'll be staying at a bed and breakfast called Rose Hill Manor. Just in case you're interested, the website is www.rose-hill.com. We are so excited.

I am so thankful that God is good to remind me of scripture. Last week, in the midst of feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, I asked Kyle about a scripture. I knew there was a verse that started out, "Let us no grow weary in doing good..." but I couldn't remember the rest or where it was found. Kyle looked it up in Galations. It's chapter six, verse nine. "Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

I have found myself needing encouragement lately. I have felt the stresses of work (well, and life) building up and getting to me. I am so thankful that the Holy Spirit is in me. There is no way that on my own I can recall that scripture (which I never remember memorizing, by the way). I believe that the Holy Spirit knew that I needed a reminder of why I do what I do. When I don't see a friend come to know Jesus in my own timing I feel like I'm failing. But the Holy Spirit reminds me that I don't need to give up, that the harvest will be reaped according to God's timing, not my own. I just need to keep fighting the good fight.